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Gabe and Jenny are Besties who love to chit-chat. They're very unique individuals. Press play, thank you!
Originally published February 2013
Maria Bamford
Rory Scovel
Julian McCulloug
Shelby Fero
10 a.m. wake up with my boyfriend who is easy to talk to, makes me laugh. We then go get coffee. And he loves that I have a tremor. Lots of sex in different, funny, creative ways - he’s totally cool with the fact that I get physically scared sometimes (a thing called “vaginismus”) and cry. It’s fun. We try new stuff, like Going to Market to Buy a Fat Pig, Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig. Reading, walk around, dinner with a bunch of people, home. I take heavily sedating mood stabilizers that he’s comfortable with and fall asleep at 9 p.m.
I don’t really think much about Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those “Obama” holidays for me, if you catch my drift. Government, teaming up with card companies to drain our wallets dry, keeping us from being able to purchase guns because we’re out of dollars because we had to have chocolates and forget-me-nots. It’s a crime. The war is coming, make no mistake.
Well, I would wake up, not get yelled at, spend the whole day continuing to not get yelled at, and then finish it off with a nice, romantic not getting yelled at.
One Valentine’s Day when I was younger, I was forced to confront the sad, terrible truth that my family had sent our family dog off to the pound. I wasn’t consulted on the issue, I wasn’t warned. I was coming back from a weekend with friends. It doesn’t matter where we were, we were young. Best V-Day? Right before I got home on that very same Valentine’s Day, I had tapped some sweet, sweet pussy. Doesn’t matter who it was or where we were, we were young. Too young to know what love was. It was very sexual.
I can say with utter certainty that I don’t remember a single Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had.
The worst thing to happen to me on Valentine’s Day was having a boy ask “Um, am I supposed to give you flowers or something?” The best was dumping that boyfriend.
Ordering educational videos on how to do fellatio. It was not helpful, as it turned out to be just porn. The educator was in a lab coat, but there was little to no instruction besides, “This is my friend, Brad.”
Read my answer to No. 2, just slower this time.
Attending Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey, for five and a half years, and not ending up with a single STD. Also, that time I ate 74 hot dogs while maintaining an erection.
If I didn’t respect the fuck out of Coach Eric Taylor, it would be his wife, Tami Taylor. However, he is a beacon of light, a friday-night light, in this dark friday-night world, so I put that thought to sleep long ago. I guess my current fiance. We’re sort of coming to an end, so the “never see them again” thing isn’t that harsh, really.
If I never had to see her again, I would have sex with Natalie Portman. I dunno, her acting just really bugs me for some reason.
If I say my wife, then that’s pretty fucked up. If I say someone who is not my wife, I still lose. I am not answering this question.
Three times. In different ways and with lots of outside tools to prevent carpal tunnel. But that’s if you’re self-employed. If you’re nine-to-five, once is good.
Once. One total sex. You leave it all out on the field. Coach Taylor taught me that.
A nice 12-minute sesh sounds about right?
I just have so much sex, personally, I’d like to have none on Valentine’s Day. It’s like “GUYS! Put those dicks away! I just want to read a book!”
This article was originally published February 2013
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This article was originally published February 2013
The Occasional's Definitive Guide to: Espionage, Coverts Operations, Covert Ops, Being Covert, Double Agents, Surveillance, Interrogation, Deception, Lexicon, and Other Things Your Government Does Not Want You to Know
With the success of Homeland, Zero Dark Thirty and Skyfall, the world is going spy crazy! How can you spy up your life? This will serve as an introduction to the dos and don’ts of becoming, spotting and loving spies
First things first, you need to look like a spy in order to spy on things. You can get a tuxedo and a wet suit, sure. But what if you can’t afford these expensive items? Then here’s an alternative that will get you into any government party or international grey zone.
The first thing a spy must do is protect on the domestic front. Even your home could be filled with double agents.
Suspicious of your couch? Here’s how to interrogate it to make sure it’s on your side.
Suspend your couch from the ceiling by binding its legs. Splash cold water on it, and ask it when it last saw Bin Laden. If the couch refuses to cooperate, sexually humiliate it by pulling off its lining in front of a woman. Take photos of your couch’s genitals with an instant camera. Burn a copy of the Ikea catalogue in front of it, and tell your couch it has been abandoned by God. Sleep-deprive your couch by blasting Queensryche and Do The Bartman for 72 hours, then confuse it into cooperation by offering it a nice lunch. When the couch finally offers up a lead, render it to Libya, where it will never be heard from again. Follow up by broadcasting to the world that your policies represent modern democracy, justice and fairness. Sell the story of your couch’s interrogation to Hollywood, and cross your fingers that it gets made into a film by the woman who got an amazing performance out of Bill Paxton in a vampire movie.
By now, your home should be safe. Before venturing out, make sure you've mastered the following.
Can’t come up with your own code phrases? These phrases are available under the creative commons license; make sure your contact has the appropriate response phrase.
“The crow rides a larger crow at 7 p.m.”
RESPONSE: “That’s ridiculous, but OK.”
“15, 20, 21, red.”
RESPONSE: “I thought it was 22.”
“How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”
RESPONSE: “How did you get in my bedroom?”
“Sure are a lot of websites these days.”
RESPONSE: “Yep. Sure are.”
“There are too many toilets in this town.”
RESPONSE: “Yeah, but just enough assholes.”
Got that? Great, but it's still not enough. You're going to have to rely on not just your words, but your guile.
Whether or not you’re a spy, you can eat and drink like one! Here are a couple recipes to get you started eating like a spy.
Chocolate Chip Cookies
1 Cup Butter
1 Cup Sugar
1 Cup Packed Brown Sugar
2 Eggs
2 Teaspoons Vanilla Extract
3 Cups All-Purpose Flour
1 Teaspoon Baking Soda
1 Tablespoon Cyanide
2 Teaspoons Hot Water
½ Teaspoon Salt
2 Cups Semisweet Chocolate Chips
1 Cup Chopped Walnuts
1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C if you’re in eastern Europe like you should be).
2. Combine ingredients, using the hot water to dissolve the baking soda and cyanide.
3. Bake for 10 minutes in preheated oven, until golden-brown.
4. Give cookies to impostor prime minister, run.
5. Fire-bomb apartment complex where you made the cookies.
Martini
1 Ounce Vodka
Dry Vermouth
Ice
Ask bartender to combine ingredients in a shaker. Tell him to serve it “straight up; do I look like a joker?” Make sure to call the bartender “a real joker,” and wear platform shoes so that you are taller and, thus, older. Drink martini while pointing at the bartender, make a “gunshot” sound, and put the empty glass on the bar. Walk away after saying, “Such a joker.” Make out with two adult ladies.
That's it. Everything you need to know. But if you're pressed for time, here's a crash course.
Show message history
This article was originally published February 2013
A
t 7:30 a.m. on New Year’s Day, Theodore walked through the door, his calling card of a beard preceding him as he entered. The reclusive fashion photographer was shorter than his larger-than-life reputation would lead you to believe, and he marched directly to his subject, barely acknowledging our team -- the one he granted exclusive access -- and grabbed his camera.
He wished none of his crew a happy new year.
“What, you guys want a celebration?” he asked no one, yet everyone. “Celebrate the work. Not the passing of time.”
And with that, every single crew member fell into line. You don’t get a job working with Theodore to not buy into his view of the world. We watched as the flash went off for the first time that morning, transforming the day into something it never would have become, our intrigue in tow as we caught a rare glimpse at the most in-demand photographer in the fashion world. The provocative genius hasn’t given an interview in two years, telling friends that his work should speak for itself. He has a point. Fashion photography can be broken down into two eras, and we certainly live in a post-Theodore world. Nothing will ever be the same.
“Change the game? I don’t know about that. I set out to take pictures,” he told us after his grueling 13-hour shoot with the nameless model who’s become his muse. “A lot of photographers will tell you that they don’t even do that. That they set out to capture life. Or the lack thereof. Sure, I do that. But for me, it’s about the camera in my hand. And how powerful it makes me.”
Theodore used that power to burst onto the scene with his intimate profile of Australian actor Dominic Moore in his Beachwood Canyon bungalow. Those photos found their way to the cover of Vanity Fair and in front of the eyes of millions. Like Theodore, Moore hid from the public eye, denying interview requests as he chose to live a private life. Perhaps that’s why they hit it off. Perhaps that’s why, to this day, the only known photos of Moore have been at been at the hands and lens of Theodore.
Just one look at the results from that day show that not only did an established star shine brightly, but another was born.
Theodor's breakthrough photos already showed his unmistakable use of lighting, as well as his ability to capture the human spirit. (Courtesy of Vanity Fair)
“We just understood each other. I could see it in his eyes. He wasn’t just going to open up because some GQ bullshit jagoff had to fill 5,000 words,” Theodore explained to us. “That’s never what it was about to him, nor was it to me. I didn’t even plan on publishing those pictures.”
The pictures, as well as many that followed, showed a rawness that few others can capture so effortlessly. Then again, not everyone is so comfortable with the crude portrayal of the human experience.
“That’s why we like him,” said the actress Chloe Sevigny, who has worked with him often over the last few years. “He knows how his subjects want the world to see them better than they do. When I’m in his hands, it’s like I’m unleashing something I never thought I could. Nobody’s ever taken a better photograph of me. When I see the portraits he’s taken, which are hanging throughout my house, I think ‘Yes, this is how I want to be remembered.’”
In recent years, Theodore has gone mainstream, a go-to celebrity portraitist, photographing everyone from Derek Jeter to Gwyneth Paltrow for major publications. Word is that Time Magazine has already tapped him for their upcoming spread with Barack Obama, something Theodore downplayed when we asked him about it. “Listen, I’m just the guy holding the camera, capturing something that already exists,” he admitted, humbly ignoring the fact that he’s revolutionized a century-old profession.
He’s even picked up commercial work. The shoot we attended was for the second round of a national American Apparel campaign he’s been tasked with. Even if you’ve never picked up a magazine, you’ve likely seen his work, which litters the streets of Los Angeles.
“When I’m in his hands, it’s like I’m unleashing something I never thought I could. Nobody’s ever taken a better photograph of me.
- Chloe Sevigny”
“I’m not gonna bullshit you, it pays the bills so I dare anyone to call me a sellout,” he confidently stated before staring at me without breaking eye contact for what seemed like an eternity. “Sorry, I spaced out there. I saw a bird in my head, and I needed to free it from its cage.”
You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone judging him for any career moves, no matter how mainstream, especially when you witness the sweat and passion he pours into every snap of the shutter. His assistant, a wide-eyed postgrad who refused to be named told us he can only dream of devoting his life to his art in the way that his mentor has. Unfortunately, it’s come at a price, as he’s had to sever ties with his family who “just didn’t get it.”
One can tell how grateful he was to have us on hand for his latest American Apparel shoot, which in case you were wondering more than “pays the bills.” He may not have verbalized it -- he was in such a zone it’s like we did not even exist -- but his energy radiated throughout the crew. Everyone on hand felt the emotion of the shoot, something evident in the results.
Theodore is more in demand than ever, and that means more is at stake. “He is protective of the style he’s created,” said actress Rosario Dawson, a close friend who told us she’s afraid to model for him, fearing what she might find out about herself. “But I don’t see him ever slowing down.”
The word Dawson used the most when we spoke over cafe-au-laits in Soho was “brave.” It’s something you can see even in the first photograph Theodore ever took (above). It may come as a surprise, but the photo came just five years ago on a whim, when he was sharing a 300-square-foot apartment on the lower-east side, making ends meet as an office manager, just hoping for some overtime.
Recalled a nostalgic Theodore: “Yeah, my flatmate Doni had a Fuji point-and-shoot lying around. He liked to take pictures of us hanging out and stuff. I think he mentioned once something about a pipe dream of being a professional photographer. One day as a goof I took a picture of him, and I haven’t looked back.”
He means that literally. Theodore revealed that he’s never once set eyes on a picture he’s taken. “Why bother? I was there. If I did my job right, the work does all the looking for me.”
slideshow images, with corresponding captions!
1. Theodore and his subject.
(Not pictured: everyone in attendance on all fours. "Never make the model feel alone.")
2. He ran a no-nonsense set, telling his model, "Cut the pretense and let's get it done."
3. Every photo Theodore takes could end up in the Smithsonian, so it's important everything is perfect.
4. He conducted his shoot like an orchestra. Magic doesn't even begin to describe what we all witnessed.
5. Theodore wears a wedding band but claims to have never been in a relationship. "I'm married to my work," he said.
This article was originally published February 2013
Joe Mande: As you know, it’s the eighth anniversary of the modern Will Smith classic Hitch. Seeing as you and I are probably the top two Hitch-heads in the game right now, I thought we should talk about it. A lot of people assume my love for Hitch is ironic, which it most certainly is not. I am genuinely charmed by the film every time I see it, and I’ve seen it well over 50 times. How do you describe your relationship to Hitch?
Aziz Ansari: Aren’t we all just Albert Brennemans trying to find our Allegra Cole? The story of Hitch is timeless. I agree my love is not ironic. I am very close with certain films that I’ve just seen a million times for whatever reason: Mrs. Doubtfire, Jurassic Park, Home Alone. I have that same closeness with Hitch now.
JM: When was the first time you saw Hitch? Where were you?\
AA: At the sake of embarrassing myself: Joe, you showed me Hitch a few years ago. Don’t you remember? We were on a tour bus, and you brought the Hitch DVD! We all watched it together several times on the bus.
JM: Oh, I remember. Just making sure you did, too. I constantly need credit for things. One of the great comedic scenes in Hitch involves Will Smith going on a date with Eva Mendez. They’re at a cooking class, he eats sushi, and has a very bad allergic reaction. What’s the most Hitch-like disaster date you’ve ever been on?
AA: One time I took a girl jetskiing on the Hudson River, and we went to Ellis Island. Long story short: I kicked her off the jetski, and the family history we found out about was HORRIFYING. This is my most Hitch-like disaster because it’s exactly like what happens to Hitch on his first date with Sara Melas.
JM: We’ve both spent most of our adult lives in New York City. Have you ever seen another person jetski in the Hudson River ever?
AA: Sadly, I have not. Nor have I seen a guy send a walkie-talkie to a girl’s office and ask her out on a date via walkie-talkie, but that’s the charm of living in the cinematic world of Hitch.
JM: Yeah, I like how Hitch keeps that walkie-talkie trick for himself. Like he can’t even tell his clients about that move because it’s so baller. That, and going to Ellis Island in a wetsuit. In another eight years, it’ll probably be time to reboot the Hitch franchise. Clearly, you’d be perfect for the role of Alex Hitchens. Who else do you think should be cast for the other parts (Albert Brennaman, Allegra Cole, Sara Melas, etc.)?
AA: I would be very interested in trying to double up and play both Hitch AND Albert Brennaman. I wouldn’t use CGI though, I would gain weight for the role (something I’d love to do) and film the fat Aziz parts separately. Then lose weight and film my Hitch stuff.
JM: As long as I can play the Michael Rapaport part, I think that sounds perfect. Unrelated to Hitch, how excited are you for The Rock’s new movie, Snitch?
AA: Not nearly as excited as I am for Fast 6.
JM: I don’t know, dude. I heard Snitch is the new Hitch.
This article was originally published February 2013
Thank you for purchasing a LoveBot. The following guide contains all the information you need to properly maintain your machine. With sufficient care, your LoveBot should last a lifetime.
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Julie Klausner: What is the emost Debbie Downer-ish thing about you?
Rachel Dratch: Though overall I think of myself as a pretty positive person, Debbie Downer does live within me, mainly because I read way too many news websites and fixate on these horrible stories, and then I’ll be out with people and the story will be running through my head, but unlike Debbie D, I censor myself from blurting out my depressing fact. When you are talking to me at a party, chances are I am thinking “Too bad that at this moment herds of elephants are being slaughtered for their ivory. “ WAAAH WAAAAH.
JK: What were you like as a little kid? Besides fucking adorable?
RD: I thank you for that. As a little kid I was very shy. I would hide behind my mother when a stranger said hI to me. But at the same time, I was drawn to movies and shows. I remember seeing things like Wizard of Oz and Sound of Music and thinking, “How do I get to do that? I wanna be one of those von Trapp kids!”
JK: Me, too. Please tell us your side of the story about when you and Amy Poehler went to see Inception while you were both extremely pregnant and you got up to pee and missed the ending.
RD: No, that’s not what happened! We went to see Inception, and as you said, were both quite pregnant. Right from the start I was like, “Oh no. WTF is up with that spinning top, and why do I get the sinking feeling we are never going to find out?” Anyway, I think we were both getting confused by the movie, and losing patience, but not sharing that fact with each other. During the movie Amy gets up to go to the bathroom and when she came back I whispered, “While you were gone they explained everything.”
JK: Amazing. How are you and your kid different?
RD: Hmm. He’s a pickier eater than I am. He’s a little iffy at counting once he gets to 15, while I can count all the way to 100. And he sometimes cries and puts up a fight when it’s time to put his pants on, which I usually don’t do.
JK: I’ve spoken to former SNL castmembers who say they still have bad dreams about sleeping through the show. Do you still have any SNL anxiety dreams?
RD: Wow. Good question! I think I used to have anxiety dreams, where I’m screwing up and in trouble on the show, but now I have these sort of wish-fulfillment dreams, where I’m back on the show and it’s really fun, and I wake up all nostalgic.
JK: When you and Will Ferrell did those “lovahs” sketches in that hot tub, was the water warm? Did anybody ever touch your wet leg underneath the water in an inappropriate way?
RD: The water was warm! And we were eating real roasted meats! No inappropriate touching, though Will used to make these quiet little groaning noises, “Euughhhhhh!! Uahahhhgghhghhgh!,” that only I could hear while others were doing their lines and that’s what set me off laughing in the hot TUB!
JK: Tell me what’s on your DVR right now.
RD: A bunch of Parks and Recs, some 30 Rocks, Watch What Happens Live, Mo Rocca’s show My Grandmother’s Ravioli, because I worked with him on something and I was hearing about these old ladies he was meeting while he was filming. But they may sit there awhile before I watch them. These days I’m always putting the tot to sleep during prime time so I don’t watch many of the “in” shows as they are happening. Then after he’s asleep I watch a LOT of Bravo: Real Housewives, Millionaire Matchmaker, etc. I just want something mindless at that point. No offense to Bravo.
JK: Are you ever upset that you left SNL before they gave you Real Housewives to impersonate?
RD: Well, of course! But I did get to participate in that women-of-SNL episode where we got to do the housewives.
JK: You and Caroline Manzo are each others’ spirit animals, clearly. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you since the publication of your book?
RD: I sign all documents, “Rachel Dratch, Authoress.”
JK: How did you prepare for writing your book, besides hang out and be awesome and accumulate stories? Did you read a lot of other memoirs?
RD: I did read a bunch of memoirs. I read some comedy ladies’ books, like Sarah Silverman and Kathy Griffin, and your book! (Which I happened to read before I knew I’d be writing one. But loved your book and gotta say that.) I read others like Frank Bruni “Born Round” and “Dead End Gene Pool” by Wendy Burden, who is a descendant of the Vanderbilts. It was helpful to read them all because you realize all you can do is tell your story in your voice. That’s what all of these people did. So all I had to do was be honest and not worry that I didn’t write like Virginia Woolf. (Confession: I’ve never read any Virginia Woolf.)
JK: Me neither. If you and I went to lunch at a diner, what would you order?
RD: Probably soup and a grilled cheese. Order with the place.
JK: What is your son doing RIGHT NOW?
RD: He’s at preschool. He goes to this Jewish preschool. I’m Jewish and his dad is not. But we are kind of discovering this school is really Jewish. Like he’ll come home and bust out in the Hebrew alphabet and stuff. The other day, John, his dad, was singing Frosty the Snowman and Eli joined in but then somehow he morphed it into Draydel Draydel Draydel.
JK: Good for him! Are you better at taking compliments or criticism?
RD: Oh, compliments! Do people pick “criticism?” Are you telling me that “not being good at taking compliments” is still a thing? That’s bullshit!
JK: No, I agree. Do you miss Oprah? She’s not dead!
RD: OK, you are probably joking with this question, but just yesterday I thought, “I miss Oprah.”
JK: I really do.
RD: Me, too.
This article was originally published February 2013
Y
Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden
ou can’t tell right now, but I’m sick. It’s hard to tell whether or not a person is sick if you don’t care. But life is so much easier if you don’t care about other people. For example, my wife said she wanted to have a kid, and I said, “I don’t care what you want.” Now I don’t have a kid, or a wife, but have tons of time!
I’m not sure how I got sick. My friend said it was probably from petting and kissing all those stray dogs I saw at the park. I remember he said I should stay away from them because they looked mean and feverish. But I don’t listen to him because he’s really short. I just keep him around to make me look taller. Plus, it’s hard to tell if a dog is sick or not. It’s also hard to tell if a dog is a guy or a girl. The best way to figure that out is to ask the dog’s owner if it has a pussy. That usually helps narrow it down. Unless the owner is being a prude.
Regardless of what happened, I’m at the doctor’s office now. Before today, I hadn’t met many doctors. I know people say they are great, but I don’t see what the big deal is. If I wanted someone to tell me what to do with my body, I’d get a third dad (I already have two: one real dad and one fake dad to make my real dad jealous). I’m just not impressed. Anyone can go to college for eight years. Try doing nothing for eight years straight. That’s an accomplishment. And I don’t need certificates on my wall to let people know I’m successful. That’s why you buy a falcon. If you can’t afford a falcon, you can just lie about having one to impress the barista near your house. She’s not coming over anyway. And if she does, just put a sign on your bedroom door that says “Warning: Falcon. Do Not Enter.” If she still calls your bluff, push her in the room and lock her up with the rest of your secrets.
I don’t think we even need doctors. Anyone can give medical advice if they want to. “Don’t shit blood.” There, I just gave medical advice. And I didn’t even need a lab coat to do it. It would have helped. They have so many pockets and buttons. A lab coat is basically Batman’s utility belt in coat form. “Don’t eat blood.” That’s some more medical advice for you. Eating blood is bad because it’s not a food. I’m kind of on fire with this medical advice thing. “Don’t steal blood.” That’s a mix of medical advice and one of the Ten Commandments. “Thou shalt not blood.” That’s just a Commandment with the word “blood” instead of “kill”. Thought it sounded cool.
In conclusion, doctors seem to get paid a lot of money to boss us around about our bodies. For example, when I found out I had canine tuberculosis, my doctor laid into me about my personal life then said he’d have to examine me further. No thank you. I watch a lot of pornos, and I know how exams like that end up (with getting jizzed on).
I GIVE DOCTORS TWO THUMBS UP...SOMEONE'S BUTT.
(Take that you gaybo doctors)
This article was originally published February 2013
I
t’s the lunch that has America talking a bunch! “Girls” creator and star Lena Dunham was spotted eating a turkey sandwich on a bench in Brooklyn last Tuesday, instantly sparking a nationwide debate over modern femininity, sandwiches, and media depictions of women eating sandwiches!
Both fans and critics of Dunham took to the Internet to voice their opinions on the sandwich-eating after photos of Dunham eating the sandwich were first posted on Vulture.com! “As a 24-year-old woman, Lena eating that sandwich rings so true to me,” wrote one commenter. “I’ve eaten turkey sandwiches just like that. As soon as I saw those sandwich photos, I thought, “She gets it.’”
In a six-page article about the afternoon snack in this week’s New Yorker magazine, culture critic Alexandra Lange says Dunham “captures an entire generation’s experience of eating sandwiches ... from the anxieties about dripping mustard and getting crumbs down one’s shirt to the confusing, chaotic ecstasy of that first bite containing a slice of pickle.” The Los Angeles Times called Dunham’s decision to eat a turkey sandwich “revolutionary” and “a striking symbol of how far women have come in terms of eating sandwiches, freedom, and lunch in general.”
But for all the praise she’s receiving, Dunham is also facing heated backlash on the sandwich issue. “Dunham apparently feels almost pathologically compelled to shove her sandwich choices in our faces, whether we like that kind of sandwich or not,” wrote Sean Daly in the New York Post. And in the National Review Online, Betsy Woodrfuff writes, “At the end of the day, Dunham is just another rich white girl eating a turkey sandwich. The sandwich did not even look very good.”
Love her or hate her, Lena will be part of the national dialogue for a long time to come. Since the sandwich-eating occurred, the wunderkind already has stirred up several more controversies: By sneezing once, by looking at a bird, and by eating a different kind of sandwich the day after eating the first sandwich!
This article was originally published February 2013
Dear Lucas,
My girlfriend is really stressed at work, and it’s carrying over to our relationship. I want to be supportive, but it’s getting harder and harder to sympathize when she’s taking her anxiety out on me. Any tips?
Worn Down in Wayland
Dear Worn,
I can relate. When my girlfriend is mean to me, it’s very hard. And I didn’t even do anything! She’s always saying mean things to me like “Please give me back my underwear” and “Gross! I’m your cousin.” I’m starting to think she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend, which would be hard because my family is living at her house while my dad “cools off.” Your home needs to be happy!
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I’ve been in many relationships, but I always get tired of the guy after three months. Every single time. Do I have bad luck, or is something wrong with me?
Struggling in San Fran
Dear Struggling,
Haha there’s something wrong with everyone! Whenever I find my dad sleeping in the car in the garage with the engine running, he gets really angry and screams “What is wrong with you?” He asks me that all the time, and he’s the best so I assume everyone has something wrong with them, too!
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I recently tested positive for HPV, and I’m not sure if I got it from my current boyfriend. I’ve had some sketchy lovers in the past, so I’m not sure how to approach the situation. How do I tell him?
Worried in Washington
Dear Worried,
You should totally tell him! I eat lunch with the school nurse every day. Other kids are always interrupting our conversation and telling her they’re sick, and then they get to go home! So you should tell everyone you meet that you have HPV any time you just want to go home!
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I don’t think this is the same as some kid faking a stomach ache to get out of gym. Having HPV changes your life forever. No guy will ever want to date me again.
Worried
Dear Worried,
I understand. I have something my mom refers to as the “Uh-Ohs.” My doctor said it’s called IBS, but that’s a computer, so we call it my “Uh-Ohs.” Anytime It acts in up class, I say “Uh-Oh,” and then no girl wants to sit next to me.
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I get it, you shit your pants. What do I do about my boyfriend?
Worried
Dear Worried,
Tell him! If he stays with you, you should get married! That’s my plan! My dad said that when a girl doesn’t run away after I have an “Uh-Oh,” she’s the one for me. So far the only person to ever stay put was a flight attendant who was legally responsible for watching me when my mom sent me to grandma’s in Arizona. She was great and always looked at me said “Jesus, not again” while she made a scrunched-up face. And “Wait here while I get some towels.” I can’t wait to marry her.
Lucas
Anne, 8
Romantic ties: EX
“Lucas and I went on a date once because
I thought he was a special needs kid and I didn’t want to be rude.”
Laura, 10
Romantic ties: Rejected by lucas
“What boy are you talking about? I don’t know anyone named Lucas.”
Sasha, 28
Romantic ties: fling
“I gave Lucas a haircut and he kept pressing his elbows into my breasts. When I told him to stop, he started to cry so I just ignored it and cut his hair fast.”
This article was originally published February 2013
Photography by Mandee Johnson
Who'll be the surprise celebrity death of 2013?
People will be surprised when Nelson Mandela dies this year. No one ever sees suicide coming.
AIDS or HPV?
AIDS for sure. I love the 80’s!
So religion still a thing?
Religion will be always be around as long as we have old people and private schools. I’ve always considered myself an Athiest, but I just heard about Apathiesm! An Apatheist is someone who doesn’t care if there’s a God. I’ll be THAT, thank you very much.
Se7en?
Detective. Detective? DE-TECTIVE! You’re looking for me.
Remember jeggings?
Of course I remember jeggings. Denim’s 9/11.
This article was originally published February 2013
Ditch the winter wear and get ready for spring, where the common theme is sophistication. Below are the looks you can expect to find everywhere from Soho to Paris, flaunting an elegance rarely seen in warm-weather attire.
Unexpected heat wave? Chilly and raining? Spring is here, which means it's important to stay flexible in the wardrobe department. The proper front cape affords you warmth where it matters (the front), while keeping your backside breezy and ready for anything your date may throw your way.
Though your new collection of front capes may be flashy and colorful, don't be afraid to inject a little class at your next black-tie affair. The formal front cape is a wardrobe staple perfect for Oysters Rockefeller and champagne flutes.
Effortlessly elevate any front cape with a pair of lobster hands. They can also double as streetwear when you're looking for a touch of class for a casual night out.
For unfussy, empowered chic that's easy to maintain, this look offers the grace and portability of a Rite Aid bag, with the fearless stain-protection only a Rite-Aid bag can offer. Readily available at Rite Aid and in a big cabinet under most sinks. Repurpose a spare Rite Aid bag as a headband. Be sure to tie it tight—you don't want it unraveling in the middle of your wild night out. Just don't forget the air hole. You want to leave others breathless, not you.
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Dare people to ignore this must-have accessory. Arm hair maintains that groomed, yet rugged Sasquatch look and ensures your outfits remain short-sleeved and nimble—perfect for the man constantly on the go. Immaculately coiffed and manicured, this ain't your grandfather's arm hair.
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Contrasting patterns are an easy way to introduce intrigue into a simple outfit, and the "sex offender" effortlessly juxtaposes soft features with the patchy and unsettling. Be the best looking future sex offender sitting on that park bench.
Grooming Tips:
Comb mustache gently every night
Go to extremes with mustache wax - use sparingly or liberally
Moisten mustache by licking lips while sitting at a booth by yourself at Denny's
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The one tuxedo you'll ever need, the dumpster tux will undoubtedly have that vintage look that will always be in style. Everyone's dumpster yields a different prize. Each bullet hole tells a story, especially if that story is, "Some guy was shot in this tux."
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Christian Dior Pants/Coat: Free
Hugo Boss Shirt with Optional Reddish (Blood?) Stain: Free
Men's Wearhouse Vest: Free
Bow tie: Acquired in trade with one-toothed "dumpster guard"
Where to buy: Dumpster
Photography by Mandee Johnson
Additional Photography by Seth Olenick
Originally published February 2013
Make your choice below. We won't judge.
Originally Published February 2013
