Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

Dear Lucas,
There's a girl in my office that I've fallen for. She works in HR, which makes things that much more awkward. If I make things uncomfortable for her, I could easily get fired. But I like her so much. How do I subtly make it known I have feelings for her?
Crushin' in my Cubicle

Dear Crushin,
This is a tough one since Valentine's Day has already passed and you can no longer tell 30 people at once that you love them. Have you tried punching her in front of all your friends?
Lucas

Dear Lucas,
My girlfriend is pressuring me to get married. But mentally I'm not ready. It has nothing to do with her, honestly. But I don't want her to feel let down with each passing day. Any suggestions?
Cold Feet in California

Dear Cold,
You should do that. My parents are married and are very happy. My Mom often screams "THANKS FOR NOTHING" to my dad. She's so happy and my dad didn't have to do anything. Marriage sounds great.  Happy!
Lucas

Dear Lucas,
I've been with my girlfriend for over a year and I've yet to bring her to orgasm. Any tips?
Impotent in Iowa

Dear Important,
Bears maybe? That's probably the best orgasm there is. You should bring her that. Bears rule!
Lucas

Dear Lucas,
I wrote to you a few weeks ago about pleasuring my girlfriend. You wrote something about bears. My guess is that it's because you're a child and didn't know the difference between an orgasm and an organism. No big deal. I knew what I was getting into when I sought your advice. But seriously, I'd love any tips you could give me on making my girlfriend feel good in bed. 
STILL Impotent in Iowa

Dear Still Important,
As a licensed sex therapist, I think I know the difference between orgasm and organism. Like I said, bears.  
Lucas

Dear Lucas,
Impotent again. I'm very sorry I questioned you. But when I introduced bears into the bedroom, my girlfriend scoffed. Then she was eaten by the bears. What now?
On The Run and Impotent in Iowa

Dear On The Run,
Hahaha. Yeah, bears sure are funny. One time at the zoo, I saw a bear. It was the best day of my life. Bears still rule!
Lucas

Dear Lucas,
My deceased girlfriend's parents has had me arrested for the murder of their daughter. Do you know any good lawyers?
Incarcerated in Iowa

Dear Incarcerated,
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I've been at swim class. 
Lucas

Dear Lucas,
You've been in swim class for the last 7 months??? I'm rotting in here, you little shit.
Seething in Cell Block 9

Dear Incarcerated,
I'm done with 3rd grade so this project is over. Thanks for being my pen pal!
Lucas

This article was originally published May 2012

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

Dear Lucas, 
My girlfriend is really stressed at work, and it’s carrying over to our relationship. I want to be supportive, but it’s getting harder and harder to sympathize when she’s taking her anxiety out on me. Any tips?
Worn Down in Wayland

Dear Worn,
I can relate. When my girlfriend is mean to me, it’s very hard. And I didn’t even do anything! She’s always saying mean things to me like “Please give me back my underwear” and “Gross! I’m your cousin.” I’m starting to think she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend, which would be hard because my family is living at her house while my dad “cools off.” Your home needs to be happy!
Lucas

Dear Lucas,
I’ve been in many relationships, but I always get tired of the guy after three months. Every single time. Do I have bad luck, or is something wrong with me?
Struggling in San Fran

Dear Struggling,
Haha there’s something wrong with everyone! Whenever I find my dad sleeping in the car in the garage with the engine running, he gets really angry and screams “What is wrong with you?” He asks me that all the time, and he’s the best so I assume everyone has something wrong with them, too!
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
I recently tested positive for HPV, and I’m not sure if I got it from my current boyfriend. I’ve had some sketchy lovers in the past, so I’m not sure how to approach the situation. How do I tell him?
Worried in Washington

Dear Worried, 
You should totally tell him! I eat lunch with the school nurse every day. Other kids are always interrupting our conversation and telling her they’re sick, and then they get to go home! So you should tell everyone you meet that you have HPV any time you just want to go home!
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
I don’t think this is the same as some kid faking a stomach ache to get out of gym. Having HPV changes your life forever. No guy will ever want to date me again. 
Worried

Dear Worried,
I understand. I have something my mom refers to as the “Uh-Ohs.” My doctor said it’s called IBS, but that’s a computer, so we call it my “Uh-Ohs.” Anytime It acts in up class, I say “Uh-Oh,” and then no girl wants to sit next to me. 
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
I get it, you shit your pants. What do I do about my boyfriend?
Worried

Dear Worried,
Tell him! If he stays with you, you should get married! That’s my plan! My dad said that when a girl doesn’t run away after I have an “Uh-Oh,” she’s the one for me. So far the only person to ever stay put was a flight attendant who was legally responsible for watching me when my mom sent me to grandma’s in Arizona. She was great and always looked at me said “Jesus, not again” while she made a scrunched-up face. And “Wait here while I get some towels.” I can’t wait to marry her. 
Lucas

Notches on Lucas’s Belt

Anne, 8

Romantic ties: EX

“Lucas and I went on a date once because 
I thought he was a special needs kid and I didn’t want to be rude.”

Laura, 10

Romantic ties: Rejected by lucas

“What boy are you talking about? I don’t know anyone named Lucas.”

Sasha, 28

Romantic ties: fling

“I gave Lucas a haircut and he kept pressing his elbows into my breasts. When I told him to stop, he started to cry so I just ignored it and cut his hair fast.”

This article was originally published February 2013

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

Dear Lucas, 
My boyfriend's family is great, but I don't know how to relate to them and I'm worried they think I'm dull. Any tips for talking to parents?
Silent in San Antonio

Dear Silent,
Yes! Talking to parents is easy. Usually I just scream about what I want and how I haven't had that thing in months even though it's my favorite thing in the world. My mom loves telling me she sold it and says interesting things like "What do children need toys for?" That's a popular parent topic. Try that. Talking to grown-ups is fun!
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
Long time reader, first time writer. I always appreciate how you handle intimacy issues. I'm worried I can't connect with my girlfriend despite how hot and heavy things can get. Does that mean we're not right for each other?
Distant in Detroit

Dear Distant, 
The best way to make a connection with a girl is to hide in her closet when you have a play-date at her house. I know this works because every time I do it, I can hear her talking to her parents about me, which makes me feel special and wanted. They're always asking fun things like "Do his parents even know he was here?" and "Does he even have parents?" because they want my girlfriend to know all about me. 
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
I'm currently dating two guys who are both great. I hate leading them on though. How do I know which one is right for me?
Indecisive in Irvington

Dear Indecisive,
Why do you have to choose? The more people who love you, the better you'll feel in your heart. 
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
Well, I'd like to be in a committed relationship and married before I'm 30, which is inching closer and closer.
Indecisive 

Dear Indecisive, 
That's great news! You can be married and still have boyfriends! My parents are married and are very happy but sometimes my dad leaves for weeks and when he's gone there's a guy who calls me "Buddy" when I see him at breakfast. 
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
Indecisive here again. That seems like it's detrimental to your parents' relationship. Are you sure your father is happy with that?
Indecisive 

Dear Indecisive, 
Of course! My dad loves it. I can tell because when he comes home, he shows how much he loves my mom by staring at their wedding picture for hours. My dad is the best at staring! Sometimes when we talk he just stops mid-sentence and stares at me for like 20 minutes! I can't wait to be married! I'm going to stare so much at my family.
Lucas

 

NOTCHES ON LUCAS’S BELT

Emily, 9

He's the one who threw up when he was my square dancing partner.

Jessica, 8

Lucas used to stare at me during class until I had to change schools.

Sandra, 36

Did Lucas tell you I was his girlfriend? I'm his dentist.

This article was originally published December 2012

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

Dear Lucas, 
I'm 30 years old and never had a serious relationship. I've been out with so many guys that I no longer think I can recognize Mr. Right. How will I know if I really love someone?Tired in Tahoe

Dear tired, 
You know you've found someone you love when you vomit every time you see them. My Mom told me that's why I vomit all the time. Because I'm in love. My school nurse said it's because I'm not getting enough nutrients in my diet and my body is rejecting everything. Love is so fun!
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
My girlfriend just told me she's never had sex and I can't decide if this is a good thing. I don't know if I can handle the pressure of being her first. What if I'm bad and she never wants to do it again?
Scared in Sacramento

Dear scared, 
This is great news. When I hide under my parents' bed at night, I always hear my mom tell my dad "Already?" and then he says "I'm under a lot of pressure at work, can we try again in ten minutes?" And then he says something about it being her fault. Then she says the first time they had sex was the "biggest mistake of her life," which is funny because that's what she calls me! My mom's always joking and crying. Anyway, my parents are very happy and they wish they never even had sex so you should be happy you and your girlfriend still haven't, too. 
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
My boyfriend and I were at McDonald's and we got in this huge fight. He stormed out and I haven't seen him in a week. Do I give him his space or should I reach out to him?
Boyfriendless in Boise

Dear Boyfriendless, 
You were at McDonald's! I'm so jealous. My mom brings me to Wendy's on Tuesdays and drops me off for 45 minutes while she checks into a hotel for a nap. She says it's the same thing but I wouldn't know. Does McDonald's also have a man with a beard who sneezes on your Frostee?
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
I'm not sure you should be hanging out at a Wendy's by yourself. Also, what should I do about my relationship?
Still Boyfriendless

Dear Boyfriendless, 
Please answer the question about the Frostees. I'm very thirsty.
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
Tell me what Wendy's you're at and I'll come help. I'm a social worker and would love to talk to you about your home life.
Still Boyfriendless

Dear Boyfriendless, 
Whenever my dad is on a business trip, my mom has what she calls "morning friends." When I ask them what their favorite cereal is, my mom tells me I'm not allowed to talk to strangers so I don't think I can talk to you. It is my professional opinion that we end our correspondence. 
Lucas

This article was originally published October 2012

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

Dear Lucas,
There’s a girl I’m digging on and I’m not sure if she’s married. While I think she’s vaguely referenced a “hubby” and I’ve seen her with some guy, she’s not wearing a ring. Any ideas for how I can find out?
Single in San Fran

Dear Single,
The best way to find out if a couple is married is introduce them to a child. When I spy on my parents from the staircase, they never talk to each other. But the moment they see me they get really chatty! They say fun things like “We’re locked into this til he’s 18.” Hope that helps!
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
I feel like my job is hurting my libido. Any tips on staying strong in bed while weak at work?
Overworked in Oregon

Dear Overworked, 
Eating? Eating makes you stronger and being strong in bed is very important. One time I saw my parents wrestling in bed and my Dad was winning. But I think the rules were different because my Mom kept telling him to pull her hair. It’s like she’s playing for the other team!
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost eight years and I’m getting antsy. When can I expect him to propose?
Ready in Rye

Dear Ready,
If you’ve known him as long as you say you have, that means you’ve known him your entire life and he’s probably your brother. Marrying your brother seems fun because you already have the same family. I wish I had a sibling. Every time I ask my Mom for one, she says “It’s not my fault you have no friends” and then laughs and walks away. She’s always laughing, even when nobody is around. Sometimes her laughs turn into tears. Being a grown-up seems so fun! 
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
My boyfriend and I have been together a while and things are starting to wane. I just don’t think we have enough in common. Is that going to be a problem in the long run? Then again, things are still great in the sack, if you know what I mean.
Conflicted in Carolina

Dear Conflicted,
I do not know what you mean. Please tell me. 
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
Oh, right. You’re just a kid. I don’t know if I feel comfortable going into details. 
Still Conflicted in Carolina

Dear Still Conflicted, 
I’m a licensed sex therapist. I can’t help you until you fully open up. 
Lucas

Dear Lucas, 
You’re right. Opening up is actually a problem I’ve always had, so let’s just do this, right? The thing is that despite all our issues, my boyfriend never fails to get me off. All I want to do is screw his brains out. And it’s clouding my assessment of the relationship as a whole. Even thinking about it gets me horny.
Even More Conflicted in Carolina

Dear “Conflicted,”
Lord knows I may not be the world’s best mom, but I do know that what you are doing and saying to my child is disgusting and punishable by law. This is the last correspondence you will ever have with my child. 

Lucas’s Mother

P.S. What’s your boyfriend’s name and address? I’ll personally pay him a visit.

This article was originally published July 2012