Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

 

Dear Lucas,
There's a girl in my office that I've fallen for. She works in HR, which makes things that much more awkward. If I make things uncomfortable for her, I could easily get fired. But I like her so much. How do I subtly make it known I have feelings for her?
Crushin' in my Cubicle

Dear Crushin,
This is a tough one since Valentine's Day has already passed and you can no longer tell 30 people at once that you love them. Have you tried punching her in front of all your friends?
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
My girlfriend is pressuring me to get married. But mentally I'm not ready. It has nothing to do with her, honestly. But I don't want her to feel let down with each passing day. Any suggestions?
Cold Feet in California

Dear Cold,
You should do that. My parents are married and are very happy. My Mom often screams "THANKS FOR NOTHING" to my dad. She's so happy and my dad didn't have to do anything. Marriage sounds great.  Happy!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
I've been with my girlfriend for over a year and I've yet to bring her to orgasm. Any tips?
Impotent in Iowa

Dear Important,
Bears maybe? That's probably the best orgasm there is. You should bring her that. Bears rule!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
I wrote to you a few weeks ago about pleasuring my girlfriend. You wrote something about bears. My guess is that it's because you're a child and didn't know the difference between an orgasm and an organism. No big deal. I knew what I was getting into when I sought your advice. But seriously, I'd love any tips you could give me on making my girlfriend feel good in bed. 
STILL Impotent in Iowa

Dear Still Important,
As a licensed sex therapist, I think I know the difference between orgasm and organism. Like I said, bears.  
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
Impotent again. I'm very sorry I questioned you. But when I introduced bears into the bedroom, my girlfriend scoffed. Then she was eaten by the bears. What now?
On The Run and Impotent in Iowa

Dear On The Run,
Hahaha. Yeah, bears sure are funny. One time at the zoo, I saw a bear. It was the best day of my life. Bears still rule!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
My deceased girlfriend's parents has had me arrested for the murder of their daughter. Do you know any good lawyers?
Incarcerated in Iowa

Dear Incarcerated,
Sorry it took me so long to respond. I've been at swim class. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
You've been in swim class for the last 7 months??? I'm rotting in here, you little shit.
Seething in Cell Block 9

Dear Incarcerated,
I'm done with 3rd grade so this project is over. Thanks for being my pen pal!
Lucas

 

This article was originally published May 2012

 

Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time (Volume 3)

 
hedcut2.jpg

Hi! I'm Dr. Sex Man

I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do. The questions below have been provided by actual readers. If we didn't get to yours in this round, stay tuned, and as always, keep the questions coming to drsexman@funnyordie.com.

 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I've been dating my girlfriend for years. Her dad wants me to propose. Should I do this while "doing it"?

— Doer From Dover

 

No. I tried it once. I was having, you know, sex, with this girl I liked and I wanted to marry her and I said, “Will you marry me,” but the only thing that she heard was “Mary,” because I was thrusting and out of breath and probably drooling. Anyway, Her name was Claire, not Mary, and she got really mad. A second later I tried to propose again but by that time she was in the bathroom cleaning herself up, and she thought I proposed to my flaccid, um, you know, my penis. She left because I blew it. 

 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man,

Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I love my boyfriend very much, but I'm a very sexual person and love to please. Unfortunately, my boyfriend’s is 55 going on 56 and I’m 47. We only have sex once a week, if that. His testosterone levels are extremely low and I've suggested he see another doctor since the current doc feels like a man his age shouldn't be having a lot of sex. What should I do? Also, how can get I him to go down on me nicely without his "EGO" getting hurt? Sexual conversation is not an easy convo with him. HELP!!!!!!

— Sexually Frustrated 47-Year-Old sent from my iPad

 

Oh, man, that’s great that you have a boyfriend at that age! And I guess it’s also great that you are still having, you know, sex. I’m hoping that when I reach that age I will no longer hyperventilate when the word "sex" is even mentioned out loud in a PG-13 movie. 

But wait a second, he has a doctor who doesn’t think a man his age should be having a lot of sex? Is that something doctors say? Will he have a heart attack? I usually trust doctors, because they tell me when I've swallowed too many coins or when I can start lifting houseplants again, but this sounds strange. Sex is something to be feared because it is terribly frightening and embarrassing and I blow it all the time, not because it is unhealthy. 

If you are competing with the doctor, maybe you need to turn your boyfriend on in more ways. Why not try incorporating something men of his age are into? Dressing up like a boat, or barbecue, perhaps? Maybe temporary tattoo the New York Times crossword on your back or tummy? This sounds weird; I think I’m blowing it right now. 

As for your final question of many, Ms. My iPad, I would suggest yelling “Keep Going!” while he is going, you know, downtown on you. That way his EGO will be more encouraged than intimidated. Just don’t yell, “You look so funny from up here,” “Is your tongue made of uncooked bacon?”, or “Leaning against a purring cat is more effective than this.” All of those will make him feel bad, and you’ll blow it. 

 
 
 

Hi Dr. Sex Man,

I was wondering: why do men like it when girls arch their backs during doggy style? And which is better, when a girl is on her hands and knees, or on her elbows and knees?

— Doggy-Gone from Des Moines

 

Holy Moly. Okay, so doggy style is when you are, you know, having sex with a girl, and the man is standing or he’s on his knees, right? And the girl is on all fours, er, she’s pretending to be a table. So the guy is having sex with the girl pretending to be a table, right, and you’re asking why men like it when girls arch their backs during that time? I’m going to assume you mean arch the back down, like a ‘U’ shape, right? And men like it more? They do? I guess since I’ve only had sex with a girl while she was in that kind of table-pretending position one time, I don’t have an opinion, personally. I’m not sure if she did anything with her back, to be honest, because I couldn’t stop thinking about tables, and that she was a table, and then I pictured a coffee table book on her back and then I thought how that’s a mean thought because coffee table books are so heavy, and then I thought how hard it would be to balance a cup of juice on her back, and that makes her a bad table, and then I thought it’s weird to think of a girl you like as a bad table, so I blew that one. 

Maybe guys like the arched back because then the girl doesn’t remind them of tables so much? So if we are sticking to this table logic, maybe being on the elbows and knees is a more-preferable position, because then you won’t look anything like a table, ladies. Not even close. 

 
 

Get Advice:

 

More Sex Advice From Dr. Sex Man:

Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time (Volume 2)

 
DrSexMan,jpg

Hi! I'm Dr. Sex Man

I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do. The questions below have been provided by actual readers. If we didn't get to yours in this round, stay tuned, and as always, keep the questions coming to drsexman@funnyordie.com.

 
 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I adore my boyfriend, but whenever he goes "downtown," if you know what I mean, he seems a little lost and confused, and my mind starts to wander more toward ‘should I start washing the dishes tonight or can I leave them until tomorrow?’ What can I do to help him on his way a bit?

— Pantieless from Portland 

 

Okay, wow, so you are a woman and you aren’t wearing panties, and you are writing to me. Holy crap, that’s great. And you have a boyfriend, too? Great. Are you wearing pants, or just crotchless? Sorry that’s insensitive and none of my business. 

First off, I would just do the dishes first. You’re going to think about them no matter how much pleasure you are having, because, let’s face it, they ain’t going anywhere!

So the dishes are done, you’re on a bed, or on the floor, maybe, and your guy is going “downtown,” you know, um, licking your vagina with the goal of inducing pleasure, and you are not into it. How is he blowing it? Sometimes I blow it by just drooling and coughing a whole ton. Sometimes I’m all lips and forget to use my tongue at all. Also sometimes I have bad breath and I worry that you’ll be able to sense my bad breath through your vagina and you’ll be turned off. Is that a thing? Also, once, when I had a cold, I wasn’t thinking and I blew my nose into a woman’s vaginal hole. What’s weird is that she liked it, but I couldn’t repeat it and I just ended up making a bunch of honking noises. 

Sorry, so, you want to help him out. Personally, I like it a lot when a woman tells me what to do, because then there’s less a chance of me blowing it. Tell him what you like and what you don’t like. Say, “Do that more,” or, “Move over there,” or, “Try that. Yeah, like that." Just don’t scream those commands or say them in a deep man voice. That will scare a man right out of your vagina, and you’ll blow it. I’ve done that before, but, you know, in reverse. I screamed “TOO TOOTHY” once and before I knew it, I was alone in my room, staring at my plant, boxer brief–less and without pants on, too. 

 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I want to ask my partner if he would be into me fucking him. What's a good way to go about that?

— Strap-On Sally from Lawrence, KS

 

Heh heh, oh jeeze. Wow. That’s a loaded one. There’s A LOT GOING ON in this question. So, you, um, you want to, uh, “fuck," your man? And I take it from your name, Strap-On Sally, you are a girl? So to, uh, fuck your man you would, um, holy crap, you would put a short stick, or dildo, up his, um, you know, his butt? Wow. 

But your question is how to ask your partner for permission to do this? Okay, well, I don’t have any experience in this, but I guess I would try and be honest. First I would sit him down and say, "I like sex, but I would rather do sex to you, and mainly to your butt.” Then I guess I would say, “I want to explore your, um, your butt, with, you know, a long, penis-shaped device that I would buy or fashion out of what’s lying around the house.” Then I would pick up a, um, I don’t know, say you have a long candle sitting there, I would pick up the candle and say, “Like, take this candle. I promise I won’t light the candle, but I would like to pretend this candle is a, you know, a big long penis, and I would like to kind of push it in and out of your butt, if that’s okay. I don’t know for how long … um, until something happens, I guess. Maybe until the candle melts?”  

You know what, it’s starting to feel like I would blow this conversation. Maybe just get him drunk, throw the fake penis on, and say, “Is this gonna happen or what?” Holy crap, that sounds bad, too. Good luck. 

 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man, 

When I'm having sex with my boyfriend, he says he wants me to moan more ... Be louder ... But I don't feel comfortable ... Or sexy ... Being loud ... What do you think? Should I just let it all out like he wants and risk feeling stupid?

— Whispering in Wisconsin

 

Whoa, okay, so I think that’s great. You are having sex already, and now it’s just about tweaks. Well, I say let it out. It just depends what you are moaning. Whatever you do, don’t loudly moan the following words or phrases while you are, you know, having sex (trust me):

“Frog people, froooooog people.”

“Tooo muchhhhhh sooooouuup.”

“Buckets of belts and plenty of welts.” 

“2003 Mitsubishi Ecccccclipse.”

“Is this an Eye Store?” 

“Imprrrregnate, imprrrrrregnate.”

“Looose Fleshhhh.” 

“Penis Tuggers.” 

“Burgle me. Burgle meeeee.” 

 
 
 

Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time

 

Hi! I'm Dr. Sex Man

I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do. If you have a, you know, a sex question, feel free to email me at drsexman@funnyordie.com. I'm here to help!

 
 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man, 

My girlfriend wants me to rub her chest but doesn't want me to touch her nipples. Is this weird? 

- Nipless in Nebraska

 

Wow, okay, I guess we’re jumping right in to nipples. Well, first off, that’s awesome that you have a girlfriend. That probably means you can kiss her all the time and she won’t get mad, unless she's in a meeting or something. Also I imagine you guys get to do a lot of activities together that aren’t even sexual. Just, like, spend time together. That’s great.

Full disclosure: the last time a woman told me she wanted me to touch her chest I kind of freaked out and said, “Okay, let me wash my hands first because I was eating a lot of peanut butter earlier, and I don’t want to get any on your tix.” 

I blew it in a lot of ways there. First, don’t go wash your hands unless you know they are covered in a bad disease. Second, don’t even bring up peanut butter if you know what’s good for you, and third, don’t call tits ‘tix.’ They won’t like it. Also don’t call them ‘Brauts.' I know that kind of sounds like breasts but it’s really more like a sausage, which is another word for, you know, your um, your penis. 

So there you are, rubbing her chest, with desire and permission and everything, which is great, but she doesn’t want you to touch her nipples. I don’t know, that’s pretty standard for me, especially since my hands are often covered in peanut butter or worm guts (I fish).

If your hands are free of nut butters and she’s still not into it, have you asked her why yet? Maybe if it hurts her or something (I know my nipples hurt a lot, but that’s from my work pals giving me twisters whenever I jam the puzzle cutter) you could try coming at the nipples from a different angle. Try pushing them in like an elevator button, even say something dirty like “69th floor, please.” Oh! Maybe try throwing some thick leather gloves on and then touching the nipples. That’s all I got. I hope you don’t blow this. 

 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I’m a woman who is uncertain how to move when I am on top. Do you have technique advice? 

- Straddling in St. Louis

 

Oh my God. First off, it’s awesome that you would even email me. I can’t believe this. This is great. Okay, let’s jump in, sorry. So, when you are on top, you say? So that means you’re already having sex. That’s juicy stuff. 

So there you are, having sex, on top of a guy, and you’re probably naked, and that’s, you know, that’s great. But now you’re wondering how to move around up there. Well, this one time I had sex once, and I was on top. I would get tired and fall across the body of the woman I was plowing love into. I got a cramp and, trying to get off, dug my elbows into her rib cage, which made her scream in pain. I thought that was an orgasm, so then I orgasmed, and then it was over. I blew it big time there. Just don’t do that.

I think as long as you’re not flailing your arms all over the place and sticking your fingers in his nose, you should be okay. Another thing to avoid is holding your stomach and saying, “Too much soup.” I learned that the hard way. 

 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man,

How can I tell that my girlfriend really had an orgasm during sex? 

- Anxious in Arkansas

 

MAN, I wish you didn't ask this, because I really blew this one recently. I had, you know, sex, I think, and I finished fast and got worried she didn't, um, orgasm, so I accidentally yelled "ORGASM, YOU DID?" right in her ear, in a shrill Yoda voice. Then I started sneezing, and I couldn't stop. I sneezed all over her until she left. Then I cried a lot. 

So I think just live life hoping she did, because there's too much room to blow it. 

 
 
 

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

 

Dear Lucas, 
My girlfriend is really stressed at work, and it’s carrying over to our relationship. I want to be supportive, but it’s getting harder and harder to sympathize when she’s taking her anxiety out on me. Any tips?
Worn Down in Wayland

Dear Worn,
I can relate. When my girlfriend is mean to me, it’s very hard. And I didn’t even do anything! She’s always saying mean things to me like “Please give me back my underwear” and “Gross! I’m your cousin.” I’m starting to think she doesn’t want to be my girlfriend, which would be hard because my family is living at her house while my dad “cools off.” Your home needs to be happy!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas,
I’ve been in many relationships, but I always get tired of the guy after three months. Every single time. Do I have bad luck, or is something wrong with me?
Struggling in San Fran

Dear Struggling,
Haha there’s something wrong with everyone! Whenever I find my dad sleeping in the car in the garage with the engine running, he gets really angry and screams “What is wrong with you?” He asks me that all the time, and he’s the best so I assume everyone has something wrong with them, too!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I recently tested positive for HPV, and I’m not sure if I got it from my current boyfriend. I’ve had some sketchy lovers in the past, so I’m not sure how to approach the situation. How do I tell him?
Worried in Washington

Dear Worried, 
You should totally tell him! I eat lunch with the school nurse every day. Other kids are always interrupting our conversation and telling her they’re sick, and then they get to go home! So you should tell everyone you meet that you have HPV any time you just want to go home!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I don’t think this is the same as some kid faking a stomach ache to get out of gym. Having HPV changes your life forever. No guy will ever want to date me again. 
Worried

Dear Worried,
I understand. I have something my mom refers to as the “Uh-Ohs.” My doctor said it’s called IBS, but that’s a computer, so we call it my “Uh-Ohs.” Anytime It acts in up class, I say “Uh-Oh,” and then no girl wants to sit next to me. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I get it, you shit your pants. What do I do about my boyfriend?
Worried

Dear Worried,
Tell him! If he stays with you, you should get married! That’s my plan! My dad said that when a girl doesn’t run away after I have an “Uh-Oh,” she’s the one for me. So far the only person to ever stay put was a flight attendant who was legally responsible for watching me when my mom sent me to grandma’s in Arizona. She was great and always looked at me said “Jesus, not again” while she made a scrunched-up face. And “Wait here while I get some towels.” I can’t wait to marry her. 
Lucas

 

Notches on Lucas’s Belt

 
 
girl1.png

Anne, 8

Romantic ties: EX

 

“Lucas and I went on a date once because 
I thought he was a special needs kid and I didn’t want to be rude.”

girl2.png

Laura, 10

Romantic ties: Rejected by lucas

 

“What boy are you talking about? I don’t know anyone named Lucas.”

girl3.png

Sasha, 28

Romantic ties: fling

 

“I gave Lucas a haircut and he kept pressing his elbows into my breasts. When I told him to stop, he started to cry so I just ignored it and cut his hair fast.”

 
 
 

This article was originally published February 2013

 

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

 

Dear Lucas, 
My boyfriend's family is great, but I don't know how to relate to them and I'm worried they think I'm dull. Any tips for talking to parents?
Silent in San Antonio

Dear Silent,
Yes! Talking to parents is easy. Usually I just scream about what I want and how I haven't had that thing in months even though it's my favorite thing in the world. My mom loves telling me she sold it and says interesting things like "What do children need toys for?" That's a popular parent topic. Try that. Talking to grown-ups is fun!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Long time reader, first time writer. I always appreciate how you handle intimacy issues. I'm worried I can't connect with my girlfriend despite how hot and heavy things can get. Does that mean we're not right for each other?
Distant in Detroit

Dear Distant, 
The best way to make a connection with a girl is to hide in her closet when you have a play-date at her house. I know this works because every time I do it, I can hear her talking to her parents about me, which makes me feel special and wanted. They're always asking fun things like "Do his parents even know he was here?" and "Does he even have parents?" because they want my girlfriend to know all about me. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I'm currently dating two guys who are both great. I hate leading them on though. How do I know which one is right for me?
Indecisive in Irvington

Dear Indecisive,
Why do you have to choose? The more people who love you, the better you'll feel in your heart. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Well, I'd like to be in a committed relationship and married before I'm 30, which is inching closer and closer.
Indecisive 

Dear Indecisive, 
That's great news! You can be married and still have boyfriends! My parents are married and are very happy but sometimes my dad leaves for weeks and when he's gone there's a guy who calls me "Buddy" when I see him at breakfast. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Indecisive here again. That seems like it's detrimental to your parents' relationship. Are you sure your father is happy with that?
Indecisive 

Dear Indecisive, 
Of course! My dad loves it. I can tell because when he comes home, he shows how much he loves my mom by staring at their wedding picture for hours. My dad is the best at staring! Sometimes when we talk he just stops mid-sentence and stares at me for like 20 minutes! I can't wait to be married! I'm going to stare so much at my family.
Lucas

 

 

 

NOTCHES ON LUCAS’S BELT

girl1.png

Emily, 9

He's the one who threw up when he was my square dancing partner.

girl2.png

Jessica, 8

Lucas used to stare at me during class until I had to change schools.

girl3.png

Sandra, 36

Did Lucas tell you I was his girlfriend? I'm his dentist.

 

This article was originally published December 2012

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

 

Dear Lucas, 
I'm 30 years old and never had a serious relationship. I've been out with so many guys that I no longer think I can recognize Mr. Right. How will I know if I really love someone?Tired in Tahoe

Dear tired, 
You know you've found someone you love when you vomit every time you see them. My Mom told me that's why I vomit all the time. Because I'm in love. My school nurse said it's because I'm not getting enough nutrients in my diet and my body is rejecting everything. Love is so fun!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
My girlfriend just told me she's never had sex and I can't decide if this is a good thing. I don't know if I can handle the pressure of being her first. What if I'm bad and she never wants to do it again?
Scared in Sacramento

Dear scared, 
This is great news. When I hide under my parents' bed at night, I always hear my mom tell my dad "Already?" and then he says "I'm under a lot of pressure at work, can we try again in ten minutes?" And then he says something about it being her fault. Then she says the first time they had sex was the "biggest mistake of her life," which is funny because that's what she calls me! My mom's always joking and crying. Anyway, my parents are very happy and they wish they never even had sex so you should be happy you and your girlfriend still haven't, too. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
My boyfriend and I were at McDonald's and we got in this huge fight. He stormed out and I haven't seen him in a week. Do I give him his space or should I reach out to him?
Boyfriendless in Boise

Dear Boyfriendless, 
You were at McDonald's! I'm so jealous. My mom brings me to Wendy's on Tuesdays and drops me off for 45 minutes while she checks into a hotel for a nap. She says it's the same thing but I wouldn't know. Does McDonald's also have a man with a beard who sneezes on your Frostee?
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I'm not sure you should be hanging out at a Wendy's by yourself. Also, what should I do about my relationship?
Still Boyfriendless

Dear Boyfriendless, 
Please answer the question about the Frostees. I'm very thirsty.
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Tell me what Wendy's you're at and I'll come help. I'm a social worker and would love to talk to you about your home life.
Still Boyfriendless

Dear Boyfriendless, 
Whenever my dad is on a business trip, my mom has what she calls "morning friends." When I ask them what their favorite cereal is, my mom tells me I'm not allowed to talk to strangers so I don't think I can talk to you. It is my professional opinion that we end our correspondence. 
Lucas

 

This article was originally published October 2012

 

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

 

Dear Lucas,
There’s a girl I’m digging on and I’m not sure if she’s married. While I think she’s vaguely referenced a “hubby” and I’ve seen her with some guy, she’s not wearing a ring. Any ideas for how I can find out?
Single in San Fran

Dear Single,
The best way to find out if a couple is married is introduce them to a child. When I spy on my parents from the staircase, they never talk to each other. But the moment they see me they get really chatty! They say fun things like “We’re locked into this til he’s 18.” Hope that helps!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I feel like my job is hurting my libido. Any tips on staying strong in bed while weak at work?
Overworked in Oregon

Dear Overworked, 
Eating? Eating makes you stronger and being strong in bed is very important. One time I saw my parents wrestling in bed and my Dad was winning. But I think the rules were different because my Mom kept telling him to pull her hair. It’s like she’s playing for the other team!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost eight years and I’m getting antsy. When can I expect him to propose?
Ready in Rye

Dear Ready,
If you’ve known him as long as you say you have, that means you’ve known him your entire life and he’s probably your brother. Marrying your brother seems fun because you already have the same family. I wish I had a sibling. Every time I ask my Mom for one, she says “It’s not my fault you have no friends” and then laughs and walks away. She’s always laughing, even when nobody is around. Sometimes her laughs turn into tears. Being a grown-up seems so fun! 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
My boyfriend and I have been together a while and things are starting to wane. I just don’t think we have enough in common. Is that going to be a problem in the long run? Then again, things are still great in the sack, if you know what I mean.
Conflicted in Carolina

Dear Conflicted,
I do not know what you mean. Please tell me. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Oh, right. You’re just a kid. I don’t know if I feel comfortable going into details. 
Still Conflicted in Carolina

Dear Still Conflicted, 
I’m a licensed sex therapist. I can’t help you until you fully open up. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
You’re right. Opening up is actually a problem I’ve always had, so let’s just do this, right? The thing is that despite all our issues, my boyfriend never fails to get me off. All I want to do is screw his brains out. And it’s clouding my assessment of the relationship as a whole. Even thinking about it gets me horny.
Even More Conflicted in Carolina

Dear “Conflicted,”
Lord knows I may not be the world’s best mom, but I do know that what you are doing and saying to my child is disgusting and punishable by law. This is the last correspondence you will ever have with my child. 

Lucas’s Mother

P.S. What’s your boyfriend’s name and address? I’ll personally pay him a visit.

 

This article was originally published July 2012