Sure, Valentine's Day has come and gone. We're very aware of how time works. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the answers some of our favorite comics provided to our hard-hitting questionnaire.
Maria Bamford
Rory Scovel
Julian McCulloug
Shelby Fero
What's your ideal Valentine's Day, Start to Finish?
Maria Bamford:
10 a.m. wake up with my boyfriend who is easy to talk to, makes me laugh. We then go get coffee. And he loves that I have a tremor. Lots of sex in different, funny, creative ways - he’s totally cool with the fact that I get physically scared sometimes (a thing called “vaginismus”) and cry. It’s fun. We try new stuff, like Going to Market to Buy a Fat Pig, Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig. Reading, walk around, dinner with a bunch of people, home. I take heavily sedating mood stabilizers that he’s comfortable with and fall asleep at 9 p.m.
Rory Scovel:
I don’t really think much about Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those “Obama” holidays for me, if you catch my drift. Government, teaming up with card companies to drain our wallets dry, keeping us from being able to purchase guns because we’re out of dollars because we had to have chocolates and forget-me-nots. It’s a crime. The war is coming, make no mistake.
Julian McCullough:
Well, I would wake up, not get yelled at, spend the whole day continuing to not get yelled at, and then finish it off with a nice, romantic not getting yelled at.
What was the worst thing to happen to you on a Valentines's day? What was the best?
Rory Scovel:
One Valentine’s Day when I was younger, I was forced to confront the sad, terrible truth that my family had sent our family dog off to the pound. I wasn’t consulted on the issue, I wasn’t warned. I was coming back from a weekend with friends. It doesn’t matter where we were, we were young. Best V-Day? Right before I got home on that very same Valentine’s Day, I had tapped some sweet, sweet pussy. Doesn’t matter who it was or where we were, we were young. Too young to know what love was. It was very sexual.
Julian McCullough:
I can say with utter certainty that I don’t remember a single Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had.
Shelby Fero:
The worst thing to happen to me on Valentine’s Day was having a boy ask “Um, am I supposed to give you flowers or something?” The best was dumping that boyfriend.
What's your greatest sexual accomplishment?
Maria Bamford:
Ordering educational videos on how to do fellatio. It was not helpful, as it turned out to be just porn. The educator was in a lab coat, but there was little to no instruction besides, “This is my friend, Brad.”
Rory Scovel:
Read my answer to No. 2, just slower this time.
Julian McCullough:
Attending Rutgers University, the State University of New Jersey, for five and a half years, and not ending up with a single STD. Also, that time I ate 74 hot dogs while maintaining an erection.
If you could have sex with one person on Valentine's Day and never see them again, who would it be?
Rory Scovel:
If I didn’t respect the fuck out of Coach Eric Taylor, it would be his wife, Tami Taylor. However, he is a beacon of light, a friday-night light, in this dark friday-night world, so I put that thought to sleep long ago. I guess my current fiance. We’re sort of coming to an end, so the “never see them again” thing isn’t that harsh, really.
Shelby Fero:
If I never had to see her again, I would have sex with Natalie Portman. I dunno, her acting just really bugs me for some reason.
Julian McCullough:
If I say my wife, then that’s pretty fucked up. If I say someone who is not my wife, I still lose. I am not answering this question.
What's the ideal amount of sex one should have on Valentine's Day?
Maria Bamford:
Three times. In different ways and with lots of outside tools to prevent carpal tunnel. But that’s if you’re self-employed. If you’re nine-to-five, once is good.
Rory Scovel:
Once. One total sex. You leave it all out on the field. Coach Taylor taught me that.
Julian McCullough:
A nice 12-minute sesh sounds about right?
Shelby Fero:
I just have so much sex, personally, I’d like to have none on Valentine’s Day. It’s like “GUYS! Put those dicks away! I just want to read a book!”
This article was originally published February 2013