Best App Of The Month: Borgnine Quotes

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
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About the App: Borgnine Quotes

The late, great actor Ernest Borgnine was one of the greatest stars of the 20th century. From Marty to The Wild Bunch to The Single Guy, he wowed us in every role he played. This app makes our list because it brings pearls of wisdom right from the mouth of Borgnine himself to your iPhone. Whenever you need that wisdom, it is only a swipe away.

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

 

Reviews from the app store: 

★★★★☆ Great, great, great app. I’ve tried all the other Borgnine Quote apps, but this is EASILY the best. LUV IT!

 

★★★☆☆ I was suicidal, standing on a bridge ready to jump. Then, on a whim, I downloaded the Ernest Borgnine Quotes App and a few swipes later, I realized life was worth living. That people cared about me and that I have so much love to give. This app gave me my life back. Took one star off because I don’t like the font.

 

★★★★☆ Wait, what am I reviewing right now? Because I’m trying to review Escape From New York.

 
 

Originally published December 2012

 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

The Mayan Apocalypse

 

And how you can prepare for it and maybe, just maybe, have a little fun

 
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This December according to the Mayan calendar we will see the end of a b'ak'tun, a 5125 year time period which culminates according to Mayan beliefs with a "world changing" event. Some argue this "world changing event" translates to an End Times type situation. Or as Francis Ford Coppola and many heavy metal bands have called it: the "Apocalypse." Solar flares, the earth hitting a black hole, run amok earthquakes or Mayan demons attacking the UN are some of the ways the world may end right around Christmas time. If you're drinking a beverage, now is the time to do a spit take. That's right, this is serious shit. But what are the real odds of this happening? And if it does happen what can you do about it? After waiting around for a few weeks for someone to give me these answers I realized "oh, I'm writing the article. I must be the one who has to go find out this stuff." 

I posted these pressing questions on Craigslist and a Big Bang Theory chat room and still there were no answers (except for a picture of a lady in a condo who wanted some company and a sectional sofa for $20 that smelled like cats). I called The Occasional and told them it was a dead end. The normally polite editor suddenly seemed very agitated, "Jesus, can you really not figure this out? Go speak to scientists and historians and ask them how for real this is."

I decided to speak to scientists and historians and ask them how for real this is. The experts and I met mostly at the 101 Cafe on Franklin in Los Angeles and sometimes at Pla-boy Liquors in Hollywood. The scientists had many intriguing and provocative opinions on the idea of an impending cataclysmic event. "This is nonsense and a waste of time," said a lot of them before immediately leaving. "You are distracting from real issues like man-made climate change and the overfishing of the world's oceans," said a climate scientist from NASA. One particularly irate professor overturned his plate of sweet potato fries and said, "You told me we were here to discuss my tenure at the University. You reek of booze and you're not wearing a shirt. I should call the cops." 

When confronted with so many strong and defensive reactions from the scientific elite of the west coast there is only one thought a rational mind can have: "What are they hiding?" 

I had to dig deeper and go outside the bounds of the oppressive scientific orthodoxy. I was on a mission. This time I sought out the open minded and the brave few who weren't afraid to ask the dangerous questions and think original thoughts. I met a man named Ronald who lived somewhere near Gower and owned a pigeon he swore was a parrot. I met a ton of Ron Paul supporters. I met Dr. Dragoon who lived in the abandoned zoo at Griffith Park and was conducting experiments on clouds using old wine bottles and stray dogs. I met a woman named Cecelia who danced at a club called "The Happy Crotch." We did not discuss the topic of the world ending or the Mayan calendar but we shared some special times so I wanted to mention her name in this article. Hey baby! :) 

Finally after hundreds of interviews and a few heavenly days with Cecelia in Marina Del Ray, I came to a definitive mathematical conclusion on the probability of the Mayan calendar signaling the end of the world. It is extremely unlikely. I put the odds at 32%

Whew!

Still as Americans and proud patriots we believe in bracing for the worst case scenario, which in this case would be Mayan ghost warriors beheading Marines while we watch from roof tops drinking mojitos waiting our turn.

If this is to be the end of earth does it have to be the end of me, you ask? The answer is no. Here are a few tips, rules and guidelines for dealing with the end of existence. Follow them and maybe, just maybe, the Apocalypse can end up being the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

1. BUCK UP!

 
 
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Any expert will tell you that during disasters and near death experiences a person's number one enemy is loss of hope. The end of the world will be no different. Massive fireballs will be hurtling through your favorite Pinkberry. Tidal waves of house cat blood will smash through the Peet’s Coffee on the corner. The final half of Breaking Bad will not air as it will be preempted for coverage of the Washington Monument being attacked by Mayan devil birds. Also you will see loved ones, friends and neighbors destroyed on an epic and unparalleled scale (duh, it's the end of the world). In the face of this Hieronymus Boschian horror show it would be easy to just sit down and say, "What's it matter? It's the end of the world... My whole neighborhood looks like a Megadeath album cover." DON'T! Instead say the opposite of the negative thought. IE: "It does matter. Even though it's the end of the world. Attitude is Gratitude." Try calling an old high school friend and reconnecting. It's possible he won't answer because it's the end of the world. Well guess what? Call another old friend. Then seek out a project to take your mind off of the end of existence on earth. Maybe create a slam book. Or finally watch The Wire on DVD. The point is, if you go into a bummer zone it's not going to help anyone. 

 

2. Noah's Arc it like a Mutha

 
 
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When the world is going to end the only real way to turn lemons into dehydrated space lemon flavored drink is to create an escape craft and begin civilization anew on a far away land. It's worked before. Noah did it when floods wiped out the sinful planet. He went to Turkey. So did the original Star Trek crew, kind of, when they shot Spock's body onto the new planet in I think the third Star Trek movie. But this approach will take at least a week of solid planning. First and foremost you will need to construct an escape craft capable of holding months of food, animals and a dozen lovers. I suggest referring to the cover of Boston's first self-titled album. I checked the specs on the craft the artist depicted and they're feasible. As inspiration keep Boston's 2nd album cover around to remind you what all the work is for.(picture of Boston's second album cover with ship landing) Realistically you won't be able to get all the animals of the world onto your craft in such a short amount of time. But do the best you can. A raccoon, a few dogs and a pillow case full of squirrels can get the ball rolling on whatever planet or asteroid you land. Also remember to get a bunch of SCUBA tanks, Cliff bars, a handgun and some parka vests. Basically what you'd bring on a trip to Yosemite only times a million.

 

3. Join a Sex Gang

 
 
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If your escape craft goes bust you've got no choice but to make the best of it in a hellish End Times world. Experts have no idea how long the end of the world will take so you had better be ready to adapt. One thing is for sure: Marauding sex gangs will form. And these gangs won't just target women. Expect gangs of repressed Republican preachers, Congressmen and football players, who no longer have any reason to stay in the closet to be out there trying to cram a full homosexual life into 2 or 3 days. No one will be safe. Anyone who lived through the Dinkins years in NYC knows of what I speak. But the bottom line is you will have two choices: either F or be F'd. So put on some buttless chaps, a motorcycle helmet, grab a machete and make some friends! Some of these groups will probably wear clown masks. Others will be blood streaked and naked. Most will have spear guns and bears on leashes. All will be driven by fear, a loss of hope and boners. The quicker you fit in the less likely your chances of being cornered in an abandoned pool by a horny death mob while fireballs streak the sky :(

 

4. Invest! A Down Market Means Savings!

 
 
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Anyone in finance knows that a down market means one thing: bargains and future profits! If the Mayan Apocalypse is upon us we can expect world markets to plummet to zero and maybe be burned to the ground. Yes, that's horrifying. But you know what's not horrifying? Exxon at 1 dollar a share. GE for ten cents. Google for one penny. "What does it matter, the world is ending?" you may ask. Money, finance, art, politics will all be rendered meaningless. Yes. This is true. But Google for one penny? Don't overthink it. A bargain's a bargain. And if the world does end isn't it better to go while driving a Maybach with a Russian model on your lap?

 

5. Create a Time Capsule for Aliens to Understand What We Did Here

 
 
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There's a chance that you will try all of the above suggestions but still after a few days of terror and chaos the world will end anyway. In that case you have one duty and one duty only: chronicle the history of the human race for future civilizations or alien explorers. In a matter of hours you will have to decide what objects best characterize the story of mankind and put them in a rusted-out safe and bury them in the desert. Remember: Carbonite will not work because the world is ending and they will not have employees to check the servers and charge a monthly fee. So hard physical artifacts will be the way to go. Write up a list now so you won't be caught off-guard. Or you can use my list. I've chosen all of 38 Special's master tracks, Keith Hernandez's first baseman's mitt, a Big Mac (it will last 1000 years), a really sweet suede jacket with fringe hanging off the arms and the novel Raise the Titanic by Clive Custler. But the choice will be yours. Choose wisely my friend. For all of us.

 
 

Hopefully come January we'll all be saying "That Mayan calendar end of the world thing was a bunch of hoo-ha." Or "Why did the President read Adam McKay's article from The Occasional live on the TV? That was crazy." And hopefully come January 1st we can all hug our children tight and whisper "It missed us.... We're safe." Or if you don't have kids you can hug your neighbor's kids or some kids in a school yard and tell them "Don't worry. The Mayan warrior ghosts aren't going to get us...Not yet anyway."  But in the very slim 32% chance that something does go down at least you will have this article. And maybe what Ive written will save your life. If this is is the case and I come banging on your storm cellar door with a sex gang chasing me you had better open up!

 
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This article was originally published December 2012

The Best White People of 2012

 

As we wrap up 2012, we at The Occasional can't help but look back at the year that shaped us, the world that gave us the events we covered, and most importantly the white people who set the examples that the rest of of us follow. Without those hardworking whites, we would not exist. None of us would. And it's time we honored them, the forgotten race. 

 
 
8. Benedict Cucumberpatch, 6. Hilary Clinton, 5. Tim Allen

8. Benedict Cucumberpatch, 6. Hilary Clinton, 5. Tim Allen

 
 
 

#1 Best white person of 2012 

Clair Danes

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She was hailed as the "Marlon Brando of the WASP set" at the young age of 15 after her statically electric performance as Angela Chase in My So Called Life. At 16, she fulfilled every white woman's fantasy twice over and played Juliet to Leonardo DiCaprio's Romeo in Baz Luhrmann's "Romeo + Juliet." Now, she does what all white people do after they've peaked: fight terrorism on Showtime. So just how did Homeland's heroine win the distinctive honor of The Occasional's Best White Person Of The Year?

Claire "Catherine" Danes – better known as "Claire" Danes – certainly come a long way from her humble beginnings in New York City's economically grim Upper West Side! She's been acting since she was 13 and calling the shots since before she could drive. How much whiter could someone's life story be? Unreal! 

Despite her lifelong success, she's never been afraid to try something new in the indie film circuit. From "Shopgirl" to "Igby Goes Down" to "Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines" Claire has always been able to spot an indie script and, with her star power, give it the legitimacy that it deserves. We at The Occasional are sure that in the future she will heralded alongside such white actress luminaries as Liz Taylor, Meryl Streep, Annette Benning, and that white lady who looks like a boy and was in that boxing movie. 

Claire Dane's acting has been described as as "magnificent," "amazing," and "that one face she makes that looks like she just bit into a burrito full of spiders." Not just anyone can make water come out of their face the way Claire can, and that's why she's our White Person Of The Year. Catch her every Sunday night on Homeland!

 
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Review: Getting Arrested

 
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Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

reetings from jail! I’ve been here for the last thirty-six hours not able to sleep (too many people screaming) and it gave me an idea for a review about a new lifestyle I discovered called “getting arrested.”   

I discovered this new lifestyle while engaged in a casual fistfight with a fellow motorist. The details are a little blurry (I was drunk) but I remember running through a few red lights. I didn’t not see them, it was just my understanding that you don’t have to stop for red lights when you’re listening to Van Halen. 

So, next thing I know, I smash into this parked car and there’s a guy yelling in my face. First off, don’t park your car where people are drinking and driving. Secondly, don’t be surprised when I punch you in the middle of an “I’m sorry.” A little tip, if you act like you’re gonna apologize to someone, they never see a punch coming. It’s pretty much the only way to fight. The other way to fight is to have a big friend who’s willing to clean up after your mess.  

When the cops finally showed up, I was happy because I’m a sucker for sirens and flashing lights. I’m really just a fan of anything loud and distracting because while people are preoccupied you can squeeze their butts. It’s not a sexual thing, it just gives me a boner.

So I tried to lie to the cops and tell them that it wasn’t me who was drunk and crashing into things, but I was drunk and crashing into things. It’s hard to lie when you’re actively doing the thing you’re supposed to be lying about. For example, this one time I was supposed to get married. I changed my mind at the last minute because my fiancé was fatter than I remembered. So I told her I was going to go to the bathroom then ran away. I’ve seen her a few times since, and I just keep telling her that I’m looking for a bathroom. I’ve gone this long with the lie, and I’d look stupid if I didn’t commit to it.  

 

Here are three positives I’ve found after getting arrested:

  1. It makes Tuesdays more interesting. Usually the only thing that happens on Tuesdays is New Girl. Getting arrested kinda fills the time before New Girl. Also, if you work, I don’t think getting arrested counts as a sick day, which is nice.  
  2. A lot of people touch you. When you get arrested you’re pretty much man-handled by everyone you come in contact with (especially if you make your body into a ball). The point is, you get a lot of attention and you can’t put a price on human contact.  
  3. No pressure to floss. The aftermath of getting arrested kind of changes your priorities. Suddenly, everything becomes about your future and where your life is headed, not about how inflamed your gums are. Gums are supposed to bleed and a stupid piece of string isn’t gonna change that. As far as I’m concerned, if your mouth isn’t bleeding, you’re not living.

 

Here are three negatives I’ve found after getting arrested:

  1. Some family members will stop talking to you. That’s a good thing unless the person who stops talking to you is one of your cool cousins. Everyone has a cool cousin who lives in Hollywood and has hung out with Stephen Dorff.  That guy’s been in movies I think.    
  2. People will think you’re dangerous. That’s good if your landlord is on your back about paying your rent, or parking your car in the apartment courtyard. But bad if the guy who owns a motorcycle sees you acting tough. He seems like the type of person who will call your bluff. It’s always safe to assume that anyone who owns a motorcycle will beat you up and fuck your girlfriend.     
  3. Still have to do the dishes. You know how your girlfriend always wants you to clean the dishes? Well, when you get arrested, you still have to do them when you get home. Usually while your girlfriend sits silent and angry in the kitchen. If you’re lucky, she’ll have a movie-type meltdown and throw all the dishes on the lawn. But like I said, if you’re lucky.  

 

Overall, I found getting arrested to be pretty exhausting. I can’t believe there are people out there who do this every day because they’re bored, or black. If there’s any way for you to do bad things and not get arrested, I’d suggest that. This way you can get away with doing bad things and not get in trouble. Bad things are always better than not bad things. For example, any kind of fraud is pretty fun. It’s always better to be someone other than yourself. Yourself has debts, and no friends, and a wiener that’s not as nice as other wieners I’ve seen on the Internet. Is there such thing as wiener fraud? That would be worth getting arrested for. I’m gonna look into that.     

 

OVERALL RATING

 
 
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Four out of five Johnny Depps

(I rate products in Hollywood stars as opposed to those stupid gold ones.)

 
 

This article was originally published December 2012

Around Town: Taylor's Next Phase!

 
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Pop country superstar Taylor Swift may still be riding high on the success of her smash hit album Red but the chart-topper is already hard at work on her next record! Insiders say the "You Belong With Me" singer has penned over a dozen tunes for her follow-up album Machines Of Oppression!

"With Red, Taylor proved she could move from country to pop and Machines Of Oppression will definitely be another big step in her artistic evolution," says Taylor's spokesperson Jessie Bowmen. "Taylor writes songs about what she's going through so when she was a teenager her records were all about boys, summer crushes, and first heartbreaks. Now she's 22 and she's going through a very political phase. She just discovered Howard Zinn and Noam Chomsky. Machines Of Oppression will really reflect that."

Fans are already buzzing over the first single off the new album, "Wake Up Sheeple", which leaked online last Thursday! In the song Taylor speak-sings over a sound collage of Native American chanting and audio clips from the Fox News channel: "American dream / Or American scheme? / Pretty corporate puppets / On your TV screen / Tell you what to think / Tell you what to buy / While half a world away / A sweatshop child cries / Raped by your greed / At least you got your iPad."

"When I first heard 'We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together' I'll admit I didn't like it right away," wrote commentor JustinsGurl93 on the Swift fansite IHeartTaylor.net, "So I'm crossing my fingers that 'Wake Up Sheeple' will grow on me too."

Along with the new album, style-icon Taylor also has a brand new look! The blonde beauty has stopped wearing shoes and is no longer shaving her legs or armpits! "Fuck society's chauvinistic rules about how a woman has to look," Taylor told Sherri Shepherd on The View when asked about the new style. "We're all animals." Taylor later exchanged heated words with co-host Elizabeth Hasselback

when she refused to extinguish her clove cigarette!

Taylor has not yet announced plans to promote Machines Of Oppression, writing on her website that she plans to spend the next six months to three years backpacking across India!

 

Around Town: Johnny's Yurt Hurt!

 
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We all know Johnny Depp is hot but this is ridiculous! The sexy Pirates Of The Caribbean star received severe burns last Saturday after his yurt caught fire!

Johnny and several friends were reportedly gathered in the hunky heartthrob's yurt, a semi-permanent tent structure based on an ancient Nomadic design, for the purpose of ingesting peyote when the accident occurred. "We were drumming and Johnny was doing some fire-spinning when I guess he lost his grip on one of the chains," said Moondream Present, 43, who was in the yurt at the time. "It went into a pile of shoes and I guess since they were all made of hemp they lit up pretty fast." Now that's what we call getting hot feet!

Firefighters arrived on the scene quickly but were unable to reach the yurt for several minutes as their path was blocked by a half-completed geodesic dome Johnny started building several years ago as well as a 14-foot tall mixed media installation art piece called "The God-Head." Adding to the confusion were the three dozen peacocks and ostriches which roam freely on Johnny's property.

Johnny was rushed to Ceders-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles where he was treated for burns on his arms and thighs. Doctors say it was a miracle the swoon-worthy star was not hurt worse since he had been naked when the fire erupted. "Even if he had not been burned, it's a good thing Mr. Depp was brought to the hospital," revealed one insider, "He is suffering from lice, ticks, and numerous skin rashes. It appears he has not bathed in several years." With a hunk like Johnny that's sure to be one steamy bath!

 

Best App of the Month: Fat Guy Nickname Generator

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 
 
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About the app: Fat Guy Nickname Generator

America in the 21st century. It’s never been a better time to be a big fat piece of shit, and we all have no shortage of flabby friends, each of whom clamors for a custom tailored nickname. That’s where the Fat Guy Nickname Generator proves its worth. Programmed with state-of-the-art heavyset alias invention technology, FGNG helps you figure out the perfect term of endearment for the blubbery fatso in your life.

#1 RATED NICKNAME APP

#3 BESTSELLING PLUS-SIZE LIFESTYLE APP

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

Push the generate button, and name away!

 

Reviews From The App Store:

★★★★★ SAVED MY FRIENDSHIP. My BFF (big fat friend) from college and I had found our relationship strained over the years due to infidelity based mistrust and emotional abuse. Well Fat Guy Nickname Generator told me I should call him Tubby and I did. And Tubby and I have never been closer!!

 

★★★☆☆ Pretty good but I prefer the Obese Person Namer app. Which lets you come up with gender specific names, great for the whale of a woman in your life.

 

★☆☆☆☆ many nicknames absent. eagerly anticipating this app but disappointed with how few nicknames it has. gave my buddy joe the nickname big joe, couldve come up with that on my own.

 
 

Originally published December 2012

 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

 

Dear Lucas, 
My boyfriend's family is great, but I don't know how to relate to them and I'm worried they think I'm dull. Any tips for talking to parents?
Silent in San Antonio

Dear Silent,
Yes! Talking to parents is easy. Usually I just scream about what I want and how I haven't had that thing in months even though it's my favorite thing in the world. My mom loves telling me she sold it and says interesting things like "What do children need toys for?" That's a popular parent topic. Try that. Talking to grown-ups is fun!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Long time reader, first time writer. I always appreciate how you handle intimacy issues. I'm worried I can't connect with my girlfriend despite how hot and heavy things can get. Does that mean we're not right for each other?
Distant in Detroit

Dear Distant, 
The best way to make a connection with a girl is to hide in her closet when you have a play-date at her house. I know this works because every time I do it, I can hear her talking to her parents about me, which makes me feel special and wanted. They're always asking fun things like "Do his parents even know he was here?" and "Does he even have parents?" because they want my girlfriend to know all about me. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I'm currently dating two guys who are both great. I hate leading them on though. How do I know which one is right for me?
Indecisive in Irvington

Dear Indecisive,
Why do you have to choose? The more people who love you, the better you'll feel in your heart. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Well, I'd like to be in a committed relationship and married before I'm 30, which is inching closer and closer.
Indecisive 

Dear Indecisive, 
That's great news! You can be married and still have boyfriends! My parents are married and are very happy but sometimes my dad leaves for weeks and when he's gone there's a guy who calls me "Buddy" when I see him at breakfast. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Indecisive here again. That seems like it's detrimental to your parents' relationship. Are you sure your father is happy with that?
Indecisive 

Dear Indecisive, 
Of course! My dad loves it. I can tell because when he comes home, he shows how much he loves my mom by staring at their wedding picture for hours. My dad is the best at staring! Sometimes when we talk he just stops mid-sentence and stares at me for like 20 minutes! I can't wait to be married! I'm going to stare so much at my family.
Lucas

 

 

 

NOTCHES ON LUCAS’S BELT

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Emily, 9

He's the one who threw up when he was my square dancing partner.

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Jessica, 8

Lucas used to stare at me during class until I had to change schools.

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Sandra, 36

Did Lucas tell you I was his girlfriend? I'm his dentist.

 

This article was originally published December 2012

Best App Of The Month: Ultimate App Buyer

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 

ABOUT THE APP: ULTIMATE APP BUYER

Love buying apps, but hate having apps on your phone? Than this is the app for you! This fast paced, fun game intricately recreates the experience of buying iPhone apps, right on your iPhone! How many apps can YOU buy? Costs $19.99.

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

 

REVIEWS FROM THE APP STORE:

★★★☆☆ SO ADDICTIVE! I can’t stop buying fake apps on Ultimate App Buyer. Can’t wait for Ultimate App Buyer Seasons!

 

★☆☆☆☆ Great game, but where is the multi-player?!?! I want to compare and contrast my best App buying scores!!! Fun game tho.

 

★★★★☆ TEAMBREEZY TEAMBREEZY TEAMBREEZYYY!!!!

 
 

Originally published December 2012

 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

Best App of the Month: DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY GUM V 2.1

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 

About The App: DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY GUM V 2.1

If you’re like us, a lot of times you want some gum, but don’t have any. Well, fear not! Does Anyone Have Any Gum V2.1 has your back! Just turn it on, and it shows you the nearest person with some gum to share! So you can grab a stick and get on with your day! Have some extra gum? Click “I Have Gum!” and post your location to help out someone who needs a stick of Wrigley’s or Trident! The BEST social media app for finding or giving away gum.

V2.1 includes the following updates:

  • More accurate GPS locations
  • An “Include mints in search” option
  • Customizable avatars
  • Age screen to weed out anyone under 18
  • Narrow your search results by brand, flavor or consistency.

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

 

Reviews From The App Store:

★☆☆☆☆ Tried it once, led me to a bathhouse full of naked men. None of them had any gum. DOESN’T WORK!

 

★☆☆☆☆ Great functionality, great idea for an app. As a garlic enthusiast, I NEED gum all the time. But I’m also poor, so I cannot afford it. So this App is for me. Unfortunately, I used it 5 times and then deleted it. 1 time it lead me to a guy with Fruit Stripe. Yuck. The other 4 times it led me to dudes looking for anonymous gay sex.

 

★★★★☆ Love it, love it, love it! I have never had more anonymous gay sex in my life! Consider me a satisfied customer!!!! Haven’t tried to find gum with it yet, though.

 
 

Originally published December 2012

 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

Best App of the Month: iPiss Drinker

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 
 
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ABOUT THE APP: iPiss Drinker

There’s a time and a place for drinking urine. Neither of these has ever been “in public.” Until now! If you got your hands on the piping hot -- or should we say fizzy warm -- iPiss Drinker, you know it's the only app that lets you simulate the unmistakable sensation of imbibing pee. This amazing visual marvel behaves like a real glass of foamy piss. Bonus orgasmic moan included!

“Must have iPhone app!” -WaterSports.org

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

Push the thirsty button, and drink up!

 

Reviews From The App Store:

★★★★☆ Good app, wish there were more colors. Urine looked accurate, but would be great if you could use a slider to set hydration levels for more variety in hue/viscosity.

 

★★★☆☆ TOO JUDGMENTAL. I wanted a piss drinking experience but at the end it told me what I was doing was wrong. If I wanted 2 be judged for drinking piss I would still be married.

 

★☆☆☆☆ The greatest. The iBeer Drinker cracks up my friends! I drink a glass of beer on my phone in front of them and they all laugh at me and say “I can’t believe you’re pretending to swallow that! Don’t you know what that’s supposed to be, you stupid jerk?” Then they laugh more and throw objects at me.. Who knew drinking beer could make me life of hte party!!

 
 

Originally published December 2012

 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

Tragic Elf Deaths

 
Illustrations by Rebecca Hayes

Illustrations by Rebecca Hayes

T

hink it’s dangerous to catch King Crabs in the frigid waters off the coast of Alaska? It is, asshole. You know what else is dangerous? Working as an elf. You’re employed a few weeks out of the year, under terrible conditions, for a crazy man who pays you nothing, who barely turns on the heat, who then makes you dance on the ice for him, as he sips his spiked eggnog, cackling. 

What we’re saying is that elves die on the job all the time. It’s a miserable, horrible life, not nearly as glamorous as the National Geographic documentaries portray.


What follows are the most common manners of Elf Demise (not including the elf hate-crimes that so frequently occur in rural areas):


 
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  • High-speed texting-while-sleighing 
  • Figgy pudding overdose
  • Being found dead in North Pole flophouse, surrounded by 11 crack pipers piping
  • Cancer of the ornament
  • Killed by jealous girlfriend in murder-suicide after discovery of another woman’s curly-toed slippers
 
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  • Auto-erotic asphyxiation with a Slinky
  • Consuming a fatal mixture Pop Rocks and Coke (and meth)
  • Same reason all those Chinamen die all the time at the Apple iPad factory. Overwork? 
  • Sharing of infected ornament hooks
  • Dick cancer
  • Have you seen that documentary Zoo? Instead of horse, think reindeer.
 
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  • Killed in a hail of bullets during a sugarplum deal gone sour
  • Trapped beneath a snowdrift on Gumdrop Mountain, being eaten alive by ravenous elf friends
  • Eating a poinsettia to impress the lil’ Elf dames
  • Gutted by Blitzen
  • Passing a kidney coal
 
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  • Choking on vomit due to eggnog poisoning (“Freshman Elf” hazing incident)
  • Tragically caught in café bomb blast after moving to Israel to study the Talmud
  • Infection caused by ingrown curled toe boots
  • Air embolism caused by blowing into elf vagina during elf cunnilingus
  • Jingling only part of the way
  • Candy cane in the urethra / North Pole ICU sees this thing all the time
 
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  • Victims of illegal "Elf Fighting" ring
  • Drinking too many thimbles of gooseberry cider, then wrapping Subaru Impreza around a goddamn telephone pole
  • Crushed to death beneath a loose skid of overstocked Pogs
  • OD’ing on a bad batch of Moroccan myrrh 
  • Just died. Who gives a shit how?
 

This article was originally published December 2012