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Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden
reetings from jail! I’ve been here for the last thirty-six hours not able to sleep (too many people screaming) and it gave me an idea for a review about a new lifestyle I discovered called “getting arrested.”
I discovered this new lifestyle while engaged in a casual fistfight with a fellow motorist. The details are a little blurry (I was drunk) but I remember running through a few red lights. I didn’t not see them, it was just my understanding that you don’t have to stop for red lights when you’re listening to Van Halen.
So, next thing I know, I smash into this parked car and there’s a guy yelling in my face. First off, don’t park your car where people are drinking and driving. Secondly, don’t be surprised when I punch you in the middle of an “I’m sorry.” A little tip, if you act like you’re gonna apologize to someone, they never see a punch coming. It’s pretty much the only way to fight. The other way to fight is to have a big friend who’s willing to clean up after your mess.
When the cops finally showed up, I was happy because I’m a sucker for sirens and flashing lights. I’m really just a fan of anything loud and distracting because while people are preoccupied you can squeeze their butts. It’s not a sexual thing, it just gives me a boner.
So I tried to lie to the cops and tell them that it wasn’t me who was drunk and crashing into things, but I was drunk and crashing into things. It’s hard to lie when you’re actively doing the thing you’re supposed to be lying about. For example, this one time I was supposed to get married. I changed my mind at the last minute because my fiancé was fatter than I remembered. So I told her I was going to go to the bathroom then ran away. I’ve seen her a few times since, and I just keep telling her that I’m looking for a bathroom. I’ve gone this long with the lie, and I’d look stupid if I didn’t commit to it.
Here are three positives I’ve found after getting arrested:
- It makes Tuesdays more interesting. Usually the only thing that happens on Tuesdays is New Girl. Getting arrested kinda fills the time before New Girl. Also, if you work, I don’t think getting arrested counts as a sick day, which is nice.
- A lot of people touch you. When you get arrested you’re pretty much man-handled by everyone you come in contact with (especially if you make your body into a ball). The point is, you get a lot of attention and you can’t put a price on human contact.
- No pressure to floss. The aftermath of getting arrested kind of changes your priorities. Suddenly, everything becomes about your future and where your life is headed, not about how inflamed your gums are. Gums are supposed to bleed and a stupid piece of string isn’t gonna change that. As far as I’m concerned, if your mouth isn’t bleeding, you’re not living.
Here are three negatives I’ve found after getting arrested:
- Some family members will stop talking to you. That’s a good thing unless the person who stops talking to you is one of your cool cousins. Everyone has a cool cousin who lives in Hollywood and has hung out with Stephen Dorff. That guy’s been in movies I think.
- People will think you’re dangerous. That’s good if your landlord is on your back about paying your rent, or parking your car in the apartment courtyard. But bad if the guy who owns a motorcycle sees you acting tough. He seems like the type of person who will call your bluff. It’s always safe to assume that anyone who owns a motorcycle will beat you up and fuck your girlfriend.
- Still have to do the dishes. You know how your girlfriend always wants you to clean the dishes? Well, when you get arrested, you still have to do them when you get home. Usually while your girlfriend sits silent and angry in the kitchen. If you’re lucky, she’ll have a movie-type meltdown and throw all the dishes on the lawn. But like I said, if you’re lucky.
Overall, I found getting arrested to be pretty exhausting. I can’t believe there are people out there who do this every day because they’re bored, or black. If there’s any way for you to do bad things and not get arrested, I’d suggest that. This way you can get away with doing bad things and not get in trouble. Bad things are always better than not bad things. For example, any kind of fraud is pretty fun. It’s always better to be someone other than yourself. Yourself has debts, and no friends, and a wiener that’s not as nice as other wieners I’ve seen on the Internet. Is there such thing as wiener fraud? That would be worth getting arrested for. I’m gonna look into that.
OVERALL RATING
Four out of five Johnny Depps
(I rate products in Hollywood stars as opposed to those stupid gold ones.)
This article was originally published December 2012