Dear Lucas,
I'm 30 years old and never had a serious relationship. I've been out with so many guys that I no longer think I can recognize Mr. Right. How will I know if I really love someone?Tired in Tahoe
Dear tired,
You know you've found someone you love when you vomit every time you see them. My Mom told me that's why I vomit all the time. Because I'm in love. My school nurse said it's because I'm not getting enough nutrients in my diet and my body is rejecting everything. Love is so fun!
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
My girlfriend just told me she's never had sex and I can't decide if this is a good thing. I don't know if I can handle the pressure of being her first. What if I'm bad and she never wants to do it again?
Scared in Sacramento
Dear scared,
This is great news. When I hide under my parents' bed at night, I always hear my mom tell my dad "Already?" and then he says "I'm under a lot of pressure at work, can we try again in ten minutes?" And then he says something about it being her fault. Then she says the first time they had sex was the "biggest mistake of her life," which is funny because that's what she calls me! My mom's always joking and crying. Anyway, my parents are very happy and they wish they never even had sex so you should be happy you and your girlfriend still haven't, too.
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
My boyfriend and I were at McDonald's and we got in this huge fight. He stormed out and I haven't seen him in a week. Do I give him his space or should I reach out to him?
Boyfriendless in Boise
Dear Boyfriendless,
You were at McDonald's! I'm so jealous. My mom brings me to Wendy's on Tuesdays and drops me off for 45 minutes while she checks into a hotel for a nap. She says it's the same thing but I wouldn't know. Does McDonald's also have a man with a beard who sneezes on your Frostee?
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
I'm not sure you should be hanging out at a Wendy's by yourself. Also, what should I do about my relationship?
Still Boyfriendless
Dear Boyfriendless,
Please answer the question about the Frostees. I'm very thirsty.
Lucas
Dear Lucas,
Tell me what Wendy's you're at and I'll come help. I'm a social worker and would love to talk to you about your home life.
Still Boyfriendless
Dear Boyfriendless,
Whenever my dad is on a business trip, my mom has what she calls "morning friends." When I ask them what their favorite cereal is, my mom tells me I'm not allowed to talk to strangers so I don't think I can talk to you. It is my professional opinion that we end our correspondence.
Lucas
This article was originally published October 2012