This article was originally published August 2013
The Best Deal in Town
On The 7th Day, God Accidentally Slept Through His Alarm and Totally Freaked Out
On the 7th Day, God woke up to the afternoon sun on his face. There’s no way. He couldn’t have. Sure enough, he indeed had. For on the 6th Day, God went hard at the bar to blow off some steam after creating the entire universe. And on the 7th Day, God overslept and freaked out.
Read MoreBeing Superman Has Bored Me and I’d Like The Entire Justice League To Have Sex While I Watch
Being Superman has bored me and I’d like the entire Justice League to have sex while I watch. Oh, sorry. One more thing: You’re all going to have to wear a Superman suit. Not to worry; I had Batman’s weird old roommate get all your sizes.
Read MoreNobody’s Buying Our Bamboo and You All Are To Blame
D
ear Employees of Bamboo Revolution Furnishings,
Congratulations to everyone for a great first year. Founding this company has been a dream. With our commitment to natural materials and hard work, we’ve created the healthiest, most timeless products possible. Like the bamboo we import from China, our furnishings are strong and elegant.
But it’s not all good news. Despite the quality in our craft, sales are down. And after a month-long dive into the data, our research team has found the cause:
Our employees are eating all the bamboo. And not just the building supply. The actual products. All of it.
Now, I recognize this is partly my fault, as I gambled on hiring a team of giant, adult Panda Bears to be my salesmen. It was a calculated business move and I stand by my rationale: Who knows more about bamboo than Panda Bears?
Nobody. Nobody knows more about bamboo than Panda Bears. Panda Bears are bamboo.
But if I’m being honest, I now regret a lot of my decisions. Notably spending millions of my own dollars to purchase Panda Bears that otherwise would have been sold into captivity at the San Diego Zoo. I felt it was a win-win situation for both parties: Panda Bears would be freed and given employment in a lucrative position with room for growth; and I would get the best, most knowledgeable salesmen outside of the competitive Asian market.
Alas, I know it’s not useful to regret things. Could I regret connecting the sales office and the warehouse, the latter of which is filled with delicious, fresh bamboo? Perhaps. Could I regret constructing a bamboo wall to separate the two sides, a wall that would only get eaten the day it was finished? Perhaps. But perhaps you all could practice some goddamn self-control and not eat all the products. Got that, Panda Bears? Don’t. Eat. The. Products. Bad Panda Bears. That’s a bad Panda Bear.
To recap:
- The tables: Don’t eat them.
- The hardwood floors: Don’t eat them
- The cabinets: Don’t eat them
- The cutting boards: If you need to eat something, these are acceptable. In fact, as a bargaining chip, I will be stocking the vending machines with these handcrafted bad boys.
Now, this memo isn’t all reprimanding. I’ve got some good news, too. Our regional salespanda of the month, Xin Xin, gave birth to a new cub this year. Congratulations to Xin Xin and her new family. Though if I’m being honest here, you have got to be goddamn kidding me. That’s another mouth to feed. It’s nearly impossible to get Panda Bears to mate, yet here I am, watching Bamboo Revolution Furnishings go down the goddamn drain as generations of Panda Bears chow down on my product.
The message I’m getting at here is very simple — a message I reiterated in the hundreds of emails I’ve sent in the last few months: Don’t eat the bamboo. Just don’t, Panda Bears. Are you guys even reading the emails I send??? Are you??? For that matter, I’m now realizing you guys may not be able to read at all! You Panda Bears a like a pack of hairy Helen Kellers and sending you something you have to read is probably not the brightest move. And that’s on me. I must be a big goddamn idiot. First the hiring of you assholes and then the emails to illiterate Panda Bears? I might as well eat the goddamn bamboo myself!
Sorry. I apologize. If you’re still reading this/can read at all, I’m very sorry I let myself go off the handle. And congratulations again to Xin Xin. I’m sorry I screamed so loudly at your child’s birth and held up that sign that sign that said “NOOOO” as he emerged unto this earth.
I frankly don’t know why I’m continuing to write this update. Screw it, Panda Bears, here’s a graphic that should convey what I’m trying to get at.
By the way, I had to hire an outside graphic designer to make this image. As you probably guessed, I got nowhere when I tried to explain what I wanted to the Panda Bear currently employed as Art Director.
Superman's Worst Enemy
Superman swoops in and saves Lois as she falls from a helicopter, lowering her from the skies. She holds on tight, staring into his eyes.
SUPERMAN: I’ve got you.
LOIS: But who’s got you?
Superman smiles as he lowers her to safety. She leans in to kiss Superman, who’s unsure if he should engage in such human-like contact. Finally, our hero gives in to temptation. They kiss passionately, Superman’s hand placed gently on her lower back. The staff of the Daily Planet runs up to them as the two finish locking lips.
JIMMY OLSEN: Superman, you saved the day!
SUPERMAN: All in a day’s work, Jimmy.
JIMMY OLSEN: Aw, shucks. You’re the best Superman… Wait. What’s that in your underwear? Pointing at me?
SUPERMAN: Oh it’s nothing. Just the angle you’re looking at my very complicated Kryptonian suit.
JIMMY OLSEN: Is that an erection, Superman?
SUPERMAN: Nope, like I said, it’s from Krypton.
Perry White reaches out to shake Superman’s hand
PERRY WHITE: Superman, our hats are off to you once again and... WHOA! What’s that in your pants?
SUPERMAN: Perry, it’s not what you think. That piece of slime Lex Luthor has implanted a stick of kryptonite —
PERRY WHITE: Nope, I know an erection when I see one. Our reporter Clark Kent has one every day when he talks to Lois. Lois, what does this look like to you?
LOIS: That’s an erection, chief.
PERRY WHITE: ...
LOIS: [realizing] Just like Clark’s!
SUPERMAN: I really must be going. General Zod is trying to bomb the Eiffel Tower.
LOIS: Wait a minute. Have you ever noticed that when Superman has an erection, Clark’s nowhere to be found?
SUPERMAN: Lois, you and your theories.
LOIS: I think I’m on to something. Where is Clark right now?
PERRY WHITE: Probably jackin’ off somewhere. That’s where he’s always disappearing to. I once saw him undress in a phone booth. Probably just to jack off in there.
SUPERMAN: Now wait a minute, Mr. White. Maybe he had another reason to go into that phone booth. Did you stick around and see what happened after he started taking off his shirt?
PERRY WHITE: I’m not some sort of pervert, Superman. Maybe you and your boner buddies on Krypton sit around and watch people jack off.
SUPERMAN: Everyone on Krypton died thousands of years ago.
Everyone stands awkwardly. Superman still has his erection.
SUPERMAN: It usually takes a couple minutes.
Michelangelo’s Muse
Much of Michelangelo's art was commissioned by the Medici family. It was their artistic requests that shaped his style and, ultimately, the time period.
The courage, the pain. It's all there on his face. Fine work, Michelangelo.
So you like it, Mr. Medici?
Yeah… Sure.
What? What's not to your liking?
It's just, I noticed you didn't make his penis visible.
Well, Young David is just a boy. I felt it may be inappropriate to include his genitals.
Be that as it may, I really think you should include the penis.
Do you think it's necessary?
The question isn't whether or not you should include a penis, it's how many penises you should include.
I'm not even sure what that means.
Listen, I've been talking to the pope and he's going to need a ceiling covered in penises.
Can I include their bodies, perhaps telling the story of the Bible in the process? You know, to give the genitals some context.
Whatever, you're the foremost "penis expert guy" of our time.
I'm called an "artist."
K.
Best App of the Month: Uber For Dogs
Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.
About The App: Uber Dog
An entirely new way to travel, Uber Dog finds nearby dogs to give you a ride to your destination. It’s available in most major cities and has three levels, depending on how premium of a service you’re willing to pony up for: Bad Dog X, Good Boy, and Big Dog. We recommend shelling out for the Big Dog, who’s guaranteed to be a sizable pup who’ll carry you in its mouth.
New functionality lets you easily set pick-up location by informing you what type of bacon to leave out on your front step.
INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.
Select your level of dog and request a pick up. If you’re not satisfied with your driver, hit the “No!” button to return to the main menu.
Reviews From The App Store:
JohnnyBakes ★★★☆☆
Cool app, wish it were better
This seemed like a great idea in theory. And I thought I’d be a big fan, as I absolutely adore the film ‘Hotel For Dogs.’ But it’s almost like they didn’t do ANY product testing. The first dog I ordered just ran into my house and hid under my bed for 3 hours. The second dog I ordered showed up on time, but didn’t know where he was going and despite me showing him repeatedly on my phone’s Google Maps, he brought me to his owner’s house, which was like 5 miles away. That said, I got to ride a doggy.
HeyKatieHeyyy ★☆☆☆☆
Bad app!
My dog stopped to take a shit every 5 minutes. WTF??? How u gonna give me a diarrhea dog?
JKSweets ★★☆☆☆
WATCH OUT 4 PRICE SURGING!!!!!
I love this app so much because I love dogs but don’t want the responsibility of owning one. Too needy and are always wanting stuff. At first all the dogs that picked me up were cool and let me ride them. Then they stopped being cool. On New Year’s Eve, no dogs wanted to pick me up and when one finally did, IT RAISED THE PRICES SO MUCH!!!! I had to pay 3x as much to ride a dog to my party.
ComeOnRideTheChrisBruss ★★★★★
Bout time!
Much better and cheaper alternative to the over-priced Uber Horse
PoppaBear23 ★★★★☆
Not what I expected
My dog actually showed up driving a car and said “Get in. There’s no time to explain.” I didn’t ask any questions and he didn’t explain, which was fair given the disclaimer. But I got to where I needed and there were even a few bottles of water and a pack of Mentos in the back. Can’t complain.
MORE BEST APPS of the Month:
The Guidelines for Next Year’s “Eyes Wide Shut” Fuck Party
From: Sam Nesbit <themaskedsam@gmail.com>
To: Sam Nesbit <themaskedsam@gmail.com>
Subject: Great party last night!!!!
Hey guys!
First of all, thank you to everyone who came to my Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party last night! It was a great party because you all were there!
Secondly, you guys really looked like you were having fun, which is something I care about as the host of an Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party. I noticed a few you of you in the foyer fucking a ton which was great to see. And even though I thought I’d closed off my master bedroom, I can’t really be upset knowing no less than 20 of you just went to town in there.
It should go without saying that I can’t wait for round two (though hopefully someone else can host, while I handle logistics). I’ve already booked a new blindfolded piano player after what happened with Pietro this year. As you can guess, he won’t be coming back after one of you removed his blindfold and was shocked to discover he was the musical accompaniment to a 40 person orgy (great turnout, everyone!).
As I stressed in my Evite, secrecy is the key to throwing a successful Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party. It’s all part of the experience. We all wear masks to protect our identities during the event, much like Tom Cruise did when he went to the fuck party that inspired our own.
Anyway, while I’ve got you, here are a few more things in regard to next year’s Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party, which I’m sure is going to be even better than this year’s!
1. Please do not ignore the passwords. They exist for a reason. Since only Randy (I believe it was Randy?) and I said “Kcirbuk” (our visionary’s name backwards) upon entering, I do not know if it were my friends or complete strangers engaging in unadulterated, sweaty sexual intercourse in my home. In fact, most of you just handed your coat to the man I hired to guard the door. Chalk it up to a miscommunication, I guess. My bad as host!
2. Nobody ate any of the deviled eggs that I’d spent hours preparing. Instead many of you chose to fuck on them. While I love that you guys were really going at it, they were delicious and I may be biased, but I really feel like you all missed out by not indulging in them. A fuck party is the time to let go of inhibitions, so have that extra snack.
3. It is customary that at an Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party, the organizer is the master and not to be ignored. Nobody followed any of my instructions or Latin chants, though I was happy that everyone still had a pleasant and liberating time. Again, sweet fuck party, everyone! We really did it!
4. It is also customary that the master have free reign to have sex with any woman he chooses. In fact, this is the most important part of the party, a detail all the women in attendance ignored. Perhaps you were intimidated by my authority, but trust that I was available to take part in any and all sexual activities.
5. An Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party is meant to be a classy event, much like it was in the Tom Cruise film, Eyes Wide Shut. While I do not expect everyone to stay clothed throughout the night, please note the following dress code:
- Men: Tuxedo, with cape
- Women: Sequined thong, with cape
6. Note that the following items, all of which were worn last night, are forbidden:
- Corduroy pants
- Bolo ties
- A t-shirt that says “The Man, The Legend” with an arrow pointing at your face and another pointing at your crotch, respectively
- Did one of you wear a Best Buy uniform?
7. Please do not ignore the safe words. As you may recall, one of the larger men in attendance (Randy?) cornered me, bent me over his lap, removed my mask, and began spanking me in front of everyone despite the fact that I was screaming “Red Rubber Ball,” the agreed upon code.
8. The point of the safe word is to cease the action immediately. It DOES NOT mean “lock the person who said it in the soundproof panic room he had built in case of emergency and continue to spank him."
9. Everyone should know the keycode to the panic room in advance. In case it ever comes up, it's "T0mCruiseN00d."
10. If anyone is still at my house, please let me out of this panic room. I am in here with nothing but my cell phone and possibly Randy, who passed out from exhaustion only 20 minutes ago. I refuse to remove his mask, as I would be nothing but a hypocrite if I did.
11. Just remember to have fun. In secret, of course!
Welcome To The Occasional
W
elcome to The Occasional, Funny Or Die’s digital humor magazine. We’re very excited to have you here as we transition our sporadic iOS publication to a regularly updated website. Though let’s drop the word “magazine.” It’s become an outdated word, used only by those unable to move on from the past. Let’s call ourselves a “journal.”
Before I dive into what’s going to fill the pages of this journal, I have a quick story I would like to tell — one that my father used to tell me as a boy.
He was living in Florence at the time, studying medicine. It was the late ’60s, and while the rest of his generation was succumbing to the hippie culture and the hedonism of the era, he was overseas preparing for the future. Which meant working his tail off to become the best goddamn doctor he could, and would, become. On a perfect spring afternoon, he found himself walking the streets and seeing the sites he’d taken for granted while his head was buried in textbooks. The Uffizi, The Duomo, and L’Accademia, home of the David.
After taking in Michelangelo’s masterpiece, he found himself in a public restroom. As my father stepped out of the stall, the door swung open and a man entered and headed toward the urinal. But the man mistimed the unzipping of his pants, leaving him a full six-feet away from the urinal with his penis already hanging out. He quickly realized he wasn’t alone in the bathroom and had to act like it was normal and that he intended to begin the unzipping process from that distance. Then he calmly sidled up to the urinal and relieved himself.
On his way out, he caught eyes with my father — frozen by what he’d just witnessed — and mouthed something in Italian: “Tu sei un volto ora ho visto,” which translates to, “You are a face I have now seen.”
My father told me this story on my Bar Mitzvah. Just to me. Right before I read from the Torah.
I took the story to heart. And it’s moments like my father’s experience that will guide The Occasional as we create whatever this former digital magazine-turned-journal ultimately becomes. In this life, sometimes you’ll take your penis out before you should. But that’s okay as long as you play it cool and act like you meant to do so. It’s what you do with it once it’s out that’s important. And in our case, our penis is humorous articles, videos, interactive features, and spotlights on your favorite comedians and writers. Maybe we’ll take it out at just the right time, maybe not. But that’s part of the fun: the suspense.
Our goal is to try to raise bar for internet comedy with high-brow humor. This site will be a curated, lean-back experience that’s not afraid to experiment. Not every written piece of comedy on the internet needs to be in list form. Not everything needs to be a quiz. No pandering. No cheap laughs.
You will never see us go for the easy joke.
And if we do, trust us that we’ll hoist it back in our pants and carry on. It’s what my father and that sage Italian man would have wanted.
Yours Forever,
Dan Abramson
Italian Culture Expert
Indiana Jones: Behind the Scenes
George Lucas: So after Sean Connery’s like “Indiana was the dog’s name,” we cut to Indiana, his dad, and their family dog fighting Nazis. It’ll be a great teaser for “Indiana Jones 4: Raiders of the Lost Bark.”
Harrison Ford: I’m into it.
Sean Connery: Me too, let’s do it.
(Steven Spielberg enters the room.)
Steven Spielberg: George, who are you talking to?
(George Lucas glances toward life-size cut-outs of Sean Connery and Harrison Ford. Steven Spielberg slowly backs out the door.)
George Lucas: Great. We start shooting tomorrow. I’ve already drawn up the contracts.
(George Lucas laughs maniacally for 20 minutes, doing nothing to hide his erection.)
This article was originally published November 2013
Tom Cruise Becomes a Father
From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>
To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>
Date: May 16, 2013 at 4:58pm
Subject: Your Recent Inquiry
Dear Mr. Cruise:
Thank you for your inquiry into the New Hope Fertility Clinic. You may schedule an appointment to donate any time between the hours 9am and 5pm, Monday to Friday.
We ask that you bring a valid, state-issued ID and copies of any documents of certification you wish to verify. It is important that you refrain from any sexual activity for three days before your appointment.
As per your question regarding compensation, there is no set rate; compensation is calculated based on a variety of factors, including what we currently have in stock in our storage facility.
Please direct any further questions to our help desk, which can be reached at: (860) 615-9469
Thank you for your interest in New Hope Fertility Clinic, the San Fernando Valley leader in fertility services.
Janice Lee
Administration
P.S. You certainly have a very famous name!! I bet you get that a lot! You’re probably tired of people asking if you’re the actor Tom Cruise, so sorry to be annoying. ; )
From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>
To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>
Date: May 22, 2013 at 10:32am
Subject: RE: Your Recent Inquiry
Dear Mr. Cruise,
Thank you for following up with New Hope, though we urge you to call our help line at (860) 615-9469 with any further questions you may have.
In case we were not clear in our previous email, all donations must take place at our facility where they can be handled properly by our team of professionals. Donors are not permitted to simply mail an unsolicited sample in a warm piece of tupperware.
And as we have already mentioned, proper identification is required for all donors. Here is a list of documents that qualify:
- Driver’s License
- Any State-Issued ID Card
- Social Security Card
- Passport
As you may have noticed, a piece of masking tape on the tupperware with the words “The Top Gun’s Legacy” in poor penmanship is not on that list.
Please make an appointment and we will gladly walk you through the process if you need more assistance.
Thank you,
Janice Lee
From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>
To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>
Date: May 25, 2013 at 1:18pm
Subject: Proper Protocol
Mr. Cruise,
I urge you to stop mailing us samples of semen in padded envelopes. You now have sent over 10 soup-sized tupperware containers and somewhere in the range of 10-15 ziplock bags, which were labeled “Round 2.” This is nothing more than a waste of our time and your time.
Furthermore, how are you even mailing these? They don’t have any stamps or any sign of paid postage. I can only assume you’re dropping them off personally and then leaving the premises. If you would just come inside, we would be happy to assist you.
And in regard to your note in which you asked about my ethnicity, yes, I am in fact Asian.
Janice
From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>
To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>
Date: May 28, 2013 at 9:12am
Subject: RE: Proper Protocol
Please. Mr. Cruise. Stop. You sent us 40 pounds of samples, all stored in Chinese food containers that you drew hearts on.
Am I to understand that the scanned note below is an invoice for your “donations”?
Even if we were to pay you that ridiculous amount, without proper, or any, identification, we cannot verify that you are in fact, the real Tom Cruise.
Janice
From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>
To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>
Date: May 31, 2013 at 8:26am
Subject: RE: Proper Protocol
Mr. Cruise,
You sent us this photograph.
It is not a valid form of ID, nor does it actually prove you are Tom Cruise.
Janice
From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>
To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>
Date: June 2, 2013 at 8:13am
Subject: RE: Proper Protocol
Mr. Cruise,
You sent us this photograph.
While that actually does open the door to you being the actor Tom Cruise, there are strict rules and regulations we have to follow. And while we normally would be honored to have a film star of your caliber volunteering to help couples unable to conceive a child of their own, it is our wish to discontinue this relationship. We appreciate your interest in New Hope, but we have to ask you to take your services elsewhere.
Janice Lee
From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>
To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>
Date: June 2, 2013 at 8:17am
Subject: RE: Proper Protocol
Mr. Cruise,
No, we are not being “glib” in telling you the rules of our fertility clinic. We take our business very seriously and have been serving the community for over 30 years. If anything, it is you who is being glib.
Janice Lee
Administration
From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>
To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>
Date: November 3, 2013 at 2:51pm
Subject: Your Donations
Mr. Cruise,
We have not received any official correspondence or donations from you in some months. I am not complaining. Office morale is slowly returning to the high level it was at prior to your decision to conduct business with The New Hope Fertility Clinic.
But I have begun to feel guilty that we had pushed you away when your heart was in the right place. If you still wish to donate and help families in need, I will personally set you up with an appointment.
Janice Lee
Administration
From: Janice Lee <JLee@NewHope.com>
To: Tom Cruise <tomcruise12345@tomcruise.com>
Date: November 6, 2013 at 8:33am
Subject: RE: Your Donations
Dear Mr. Cruise,
Please don’t send us any more pictures you have photoshopped of yourself giving birth to African-American children with the caption “I love black people.”
And your insistence that we have a duty to preserve your bloodline because you are the “last samurai” is, frankly, not our concern.
Consider this your final correspondence with New Hope Fertility.
Janice Lee
This article was originally publish November 2013
The One Man Affected by Y2K
In 1999, Alan White had everything: a house, a wife, a life full of promise. But when the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2000, that all changed.
I
n retrospect, the Y2K scare was trivial. Predictions of a worldwide shutdown caused by our reliance on computers were exaggerated and the population as a whole survived unscathed.
But one man had his life erased. His name is Alan White. More accurately, his name was Alan White. There’s no record of him ever having existed.
At midnight on January 1, 2000, his computer exploded, the first of many dominoes to fall as Y2K wielded its power: his electricity went out, his bank account vanished, and in the fire caused by the explosion, he lost valuable paperwork including his marriage and birth certificates.
Less than a month later, penniless and determined to live off the grid, his wife would leave him. Since then, he’s squatted in his two bedroom apartment in Kansas City, Missouri.
That’s where I met him. It looked like a war zone: no power, no gas, no heat. White compared it to the scene at the riotous Woodstock ‘99. When I asked his age, he admitted he’s lost track of time and doesn’t know what day it is, never mind the year. He claimed to be born in 1967, though there’s no way to substantiate this.
“If I had a social security number, you could probably do a quick Infoseek search to find out I’m 43 years old,” White told me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that not only was his math incorrect, but that his favorite search engine was long gone. At one point I’d mentioned Google and he nodded along awkwardly, afraid to admit he’d never heard that word.
Chalk it up to the close to thirteen years living in solitude, but White was quick to welcome me and my camera crew into his house to document his life. He kept patting us on the back and muttering something about a museum. I surmised that he thought our coverage would be some sort of free marketing for what he referred to as “The Y2K Experience,” but I didn’t care. Our tour of his home was fascinating, a glimpse into a life that no longer is.
Below you’ll find the footage from our visit. And click through the gallery above for a photographic journey of a life destroyed by Y2K.
Alan was gracious enough to give us a tour:
Alan White: Matt Walsh
Photography by Scott Garrison
Video by Brad Schulz
This article was originally published May 2013
The Portrait of an Artist
An exclusive, behind-the-scenes profile of what goes on behind the lens of famed photographer, Theodore.
A
t 7:30 a.m. on New Year’s Day, Theodore walked through the door, his calling card of a beard preceding him as he entered. The reclusive fashion photographer was shorter than his larger-than-life reputation would lead you to believe, and he marched directly to his subject, barely acknowledging our team -- the one he granted exclusive access -- and grabbed his camera.
He wished none of his crew a happy new year.
“What, you guys want a celebration?” he asked no one, yet everyone. “Celebrate the work. Not the passing of time.”
And with that, every single crew member fell into line. You don’t get a job working with Theodore to not buy into his view of the world. We watched as the flash went off for the first time that morning, transforming the day into something it never would have become, our intrigue in tow as we caught a rare glimpse at the most in-demand photographer in the fashion world. The provocative genius hasn’t given an interview in two years, telling friends that his work should speak for itself. He has a point. Fashion photography can be broken down into two eras, and we certainly live in a post-Theodore world. Nothing will ever be the same.
“Change the game? I don’t know about that. I set out to take pictures,” he told us after his grueling 13-hour shoot with the nameless model who’s become his muse. “A lot of photographers will tell you that they don’t even do that. That they set out to capture life. Or the lack thereof. Sure, I do that. But for me, it’s about the camera in my hand. And how powerful it makes me.”
Theodore used that power to burst onto the scene with his intimate profile of Australian actor Dominic Moore in his Beachwood Canyon bungalow. Those photos found their way to the cover of Vanity Fair and in front of the eyes of millions. Like Theodore, Moore hid from the public eye, denying interview requests as he chose to live a private life. Perhaps that’s why they hit it off. Perhaps that’s why, to this day, the only known photos of Moore have been at been at the hands and lens of Theodore.
Just one look at the results from that day show that not only did an established star shine brightly, but another was born.
Theodor's breakthrough photos already showed his unmistakable use of lighting, as well as his ability to capture the human spirit. (Courtesy of Vanity Fair)
“We just understood each other. I could see it in his eyes. He wasn’t just going to open up because some GQ bullshit jagoff had to fill 5,000 words,” Theodore explained to us. “That’s never what it was about to him, nor was it to me. I didn’t even plan on publishing those pictures.”
The pictures, as well as many that followed, showed a rawness that few others can capture so effortlessly. Then again, not everyone is so comfortable with the crude portrayal of the human experience.
“That’s why we like him,” said the actress Chloe Sevigny, who has worked with him often over the last few years. “He knows how his subjects want the world to see them better than they do. When I’m in his hands, it’s like I’m unleashing something I never thought I could. Nobody’s ever taken a better photograph of me. When I see the portraits he’s taken, which are hanging throughout my house, I think ‘Yes, this is how I want to be remembered.’”
In recent years, Theodore has gone mainstream, a go-to celebrity portraitist, photographing everyone from Derek Jeter to Gwyneth Paltrow for major publications. Word is that Time Magazine has already tapped him for their upcoming spread with Barack Obama, something Theodore downplayed when we asked him about it. “Listen, I’m just the guy holding the camera, capturing something that already exists,” he admitted, humbly ignoring the fact that he’s revolutionized a century-old profession.
He’s even picked up commercial work. The shoot we attended was for the second round of a national American Apparel campaign he’s been tasked with. Even if you’ve never picked up a magazine, you’ve likely seen his work, which litters the streets of Los Angeles.
“When I’m in his hands, it’s like I’m unleashing something I never thought I could. Nobody’s ever taken a better photograph of me.
- Chloe Sevigny”
“I’m not gonna bullshit you, it pays the bills so I dare anyone to call me a sellout,” he confidently stated before staring at me without breaking eye contact for what seemed like an eternity. “Sorry, I spaced out there. I saw a bird in my head, and I needed to free it from its cage.”
You’d be hard-pressed to find anyone judging him for any career moves, no matter how mainstream, especially when you witness the sweat and passion he pours into every snap of the shutter. His assistant, a wide-eyed postgrad who refused to be named told us he can only dream of devoting his life to his art in the way that his mentor has. Unfortunately, it’s come at a price, as he’s had to sever ties with his family who “just didn’t get it.”
One can tell how grateful he was to have us on hand for his latest American Apparel shoot, which in case you were wondering more than “pays the bills.” He may not have verbalized it -- he was in such a zone it’s like we did not even exist -- but his energy radiated throughout the crew. Everyone on hand felt the emotion of the shoot, something evident in the results.
Theodore is more in demand than ever, and that means more is at stake. “He is protective of the style he’s created,” said actress Rosario Dawson, a close friend who told us she’s afraid to model for him, fearing what she might find out about herself. “But I don’t see him ever slowing down.”
The word Dawson used the most when we spoke over cafe-au-laits in Soho was “brave.” It’s something you can see even in the first photograph Theodore ever took (above). It may come as a surprise, but the photo came just five years ago on a whim, when he was sharing a 300-square-foot apartment on the lower-east side, making ends meet as an office manager, just hoping for some overtime.
Recalled a nostalgic Theodore: “Yeah, my flatmate Doni had a Fuji point-and-shoot lying around. He liked to take pictures of us hanging out and stuff. I think he mentioned once something about a pipe dream of being a professional photographer. One day as a goof I took a picture of him, and I haven’t looked back.”
He means that literally. Theodore revealed that he’s never once set eyes on a picture he’s taken. “Why bother? I was there. If I did my job right, the work does all the looking for me.”
slideshow images, with corresponding captions!
1. Theodore and his subject.
(Not pictured: everyone in attendance on all fours. "Never make the model feel alone.")
2. He ran a no-nonsense set, telling his model, "Cut the pretense and let's get it done."
3. Every photo Theodore takes could end up in the Smithsonian, so it's important everything is perfect.
4. He conducted his shoot like an orchestra. Magic doesn't even begin to describe what we all witnessed.
5. Theodore wears a wedding band but claims to have never been in a relationship. "I'm married to my work," he said.
This article was originally published February 2013
The Occasional's Guide to Voting
A How-To with Andy Richter
Remember the old days of pulling a lever to cast your vote? Of course you don't! That was a dumb time that only old people lived through! We're young and our time is precious, which is why the government made it easy for us to choose politicians by marking a ballot and scanning it into a computer. But for the few of you who have never felt the ecstasy of participating in our democracy, Andy Richter is here to show you how to take part in the 2012 election.
This article was originally published October 2012