Nobody’s Buying Our Bamboo and You All Are To Blame

D

ear Employees of Bamboo Revolution Furnishings,

Congratulations to everyone for a great first year. Founding this company has been a dream. With our commitment to natural materials and hard work, we’ve created the healthiest, most timeless products possible. Like the bamboo we import from China, our furnishings are strong and elegant.

But it’s not all good news. Despite the quality in our craft, sales are down. And after a month-long dive into the data, our research team has found the cause:

Our employees are eating all the bamboo. And not just the building supply. The actual products. All of it.

Now, I recognize this is partly my fault, as I gambled on hiring a team of giant, adult Panda Bears to be my salesmen. It was a calculated business move and I stand by my rationale: Who knows more about bamboo than Panda Bears?

Nobody. Nobody knows more about bamboo than Panda Bears. Panda Bears are bamboo.

But if I’m being honest, I now regret a lot of my decisions. Notably spending millions of my own dollars to purchase Panda Bears that otherwise would have been sold into captivity at the San Diego Zoo. I felt it was a win-win situation for both parties: Panda Bears would be freed and given employment in a lucrative position with room for growth; and I would get the best, most knowledgeable salesmen outside of the competitive Asian market.

Alas, I know it’s not useful to regret things. Could I regret connecting the sales office and the warehouse, the latter of which is filled with delicious, fresh bamboo? Perhaps. Could I regret constructing a bamboo wall to separate the two sides, a wall that would only get eaten the day it was finished? Perhaps. But perhaps you all could practice some goddamn self-control and not eat all the products. Got that, Panda Bears? Don’t. Eat. The. Products. Bad Panda Bears. That’s a bad Panda Bear.

To recap:

• The tables: Don’t eat them.
• The hardwood floors: Don’t eat them
• The cabinets: Don’t eat them
• The cutting boards: If you need to eat something, these are acceptable. In fact, as a bargaining chip, I will be stocking the vending machines with these handcrafted bad boys.

Now, this memo isn’t all reprimanding. I’ve got some good news, too. Our regional salespanda of the month, Xin Xin, gave birth to a new cub this year. Congratulations to Xin Xin and her new family. Though if I’m being honest here, you have got to be goddamn kidding me. That’s another mouth to feed. It’s nearly impossible to get Panda Bears to mate, yet here I am, watching Bamboo Revolution Furnishings go down the goddamn drain as generations of Panda Bears chow down on my product.

The message I’m getting at here is very simple — a message I reiterated in the hundreds of emails I’ve sent in the last few months: Don’t eat the bamboo. Just don’t, Panda Bears. Are you guys even reading the emails I send??? Are you??? For that matter, I’m now realizing you guys may not be able to read at all! You Panda Bears a like a pack of hairy Helen Kellers and sending you something you have to read is probably not the brightest move. And that’s on me. I must be a big goddamn idiot. First the hiring of you assholes and then the emails to illiterate Panda Bears? I might as well eat the goddamn bamboo myself!

Sorry. I apologize. If you’re still reading this/can read at all, I’m very sorry I let myself go off the handle. And congratulations again to Xin Xin. I’m sorry I screamed so loudly at your child’s birth and held up that sign that sign that said “NOOOO” as he emerged unto this earth.  

I frankly don’t know why I’m continuing to write this update. Screw it, Panda Bears, here’s a graphic that should convey what I’m trying to get at.

By the way, I had to hire an outside graphic designer to make this image. As you probably guessed, I got nowhere when I tried to explain what I wanted to the Panda Bear currently employed as Art Director.