“Time Warner Cable, this is Erin speaking, please hold,” I say.
“Oh, I just wanted—”
“Please hold,” I say again, despite the woman’s exasperated tone. For the good of mankind, she’s going to have to wait.
Read MorePhone Call With The DMV About A License Plate Which By Chance Spelled Out BRUCLEE
“Hi, yes, I’m calling about an issue with a recent license plate that I paid for.”
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“No, it arrived fine. That’s not the issue.”
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“The issue is that the license plate says Bruce Lee.”
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“Yes, that’s right. The Chinese kung-fu movie star from the 1970s.”
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“B...R...U...C...L...E...E.”
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“No, my problem’s not with -”
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“Yes, I know that there’s a seven character limit.”
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“Yes, I agree that even with the ‘E’ left off of ‘BRUCE’ you can still tell what it says. That’s not what -”
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“Listen to me! The problem is that I didn’t order a novelty plate. I ordered a regular plate and through some sort of statistical anomaly instead of a seemingly random assortment of letters, the plate I just received looks like I did in fact intentionally choose this particular collection and order of characters with the purpose of conveying my enthusiasm for the oeuvre of film star Bruce Lee.”
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“I’m serious.”
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“Yes, I’m sure I didn’t accidentally buy a novelty license plate.”
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“Well, I know because I paid the standard $25 rate for regular plates, not the $60 initial fee plus $31.25 annual upkeep fee thereafter for personalized plates.”
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“Well, as it so happens, I am familiar with vanity plate logistics.”
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“Why? I don’t want to tell you because I think it will make you believe me less and I just want you to send me a different plate.”
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“Can’t you just look it up in your system? Look, fine, I know because I have bought a personalized plate in the past. Okay?”
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“I don’t want to tell you what it said.”
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“Because it will make you believe me less.”
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“Fine. It said Lee Jun-fan.”
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“Well, it’s relevant because it is Bruce Lee’s given name.”
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“No, his real name wasn’t Bruce.”
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“He was Chinese.”
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“Bruce isn’t a Chinese name.”
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“Excuse me?”
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“How is me saying that ‘Bruce’ isn’t a Chinese name racist?”
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Well, Lee Jun-fan is a Chinese name. It’s Cantonese for ‘return again.’”
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“‘Bruce’ doesn’t mean anything in Cantonese because it isn’t Cantonese.”
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“Well, I don’t like your tone and I am not lying.”
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“Why did I get it? I don’t want to tell you.”
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“Because it will make you believe me less.”
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“Fine. I got it because I’m a huge Bruce Lee fan.”
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“Stop laughing.”
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“Please stop laughing.”
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“Yes, he’s something of a personal hero of mine.”
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“Sir, please stop laughing.”
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“Yes, I know. I know it makes it even that much more of a coincidence that I would receive this random assortment of letters.”
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“No, I wouldn’t describe it as ironic.”
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“Well, I wouldn’t describe it as ironic because that’s not what irony means.”
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“No, irony doesn’t mean -”
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“Right, well, according to an OED commissioned study approximately 78% of printed uses of ‘irony’ are incorrect.”
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“Most of the time when people say ‘ironic’ they mean ‘coincidental’ or ‘improbable.’ So, for example, it would be correct to say that it is ‘improbable’ that a huge Bruce Lee fan would randomly receive a random license plate that spelled out Bruce Lee. But that would not be ironic.”
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“It actually means a state of affairs that seems deliberately contrary to expectations and is thus amusing as a result.”
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“Um, I don’t know, remember those ‘PARENTAL WARNING’ explicit music labels that used to be on CDs? Well, those were designed to warn parents and thus prevent children from listening to those CDs, but the actual outcome was that they became more cool and thus attractive to children and so CDs with ‘PARENTAL WARNING’ labels were even more likely to be listened to by kids instead of less likely as the label was intended. That’s ironic.”
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“Or if I said, ‘This phone call is going well’ it could be said that I was saying it ironically because I wish to convey the opposite meaning, so synonymous to ‘sarcastic’ in that usage, which is also correct.”
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“Yes, that means that in that song she was using it wrong. She was a dumb Canadian.”
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“How is that racist? She misused a word, which makes her dumb, and she was from Canada, which makes her Canadian. And Canadian isn’t a race.”
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“Yes, everyone misuses words, but not so much that it causes a generation of others to also use it wrong.”
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“Yes, I agree English is an evolving language.”
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“I don’t think that’s a fair comparison.”
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“Because Shakespeare invented words, he didn’t misuse existing words.”
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“Um, I don’t know, like, ‘gloomy’ and ‘majestic’ and ‘lonely’ and a whole bunch of others.”
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“No, ‘You Oughta Know’ was the one about the guy from ‘Full House.’ Look, can you please just send me a new plate?”
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“Well, you’re wrong. I am not stoked.”
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“No, I do love him and he is still my hero, but I was fired from my job recently and my girlfriend wouldn’t be happy to see me spending money frivolously.”
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“Right, but she won’t believe that. She’ll think I am not being frugal, which is another word that Shakespeare invented.”
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“No, it’s not ironic that I just thought of that.”
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“Right, but just like you didn’t believe me at first, she isn’t going to believe me that I didn’t spend money on a novelty plate. I have most of his movies memorized. I’ve read every interview with him that ever was done. I have posters of him in my bedroom. Posters plural as in more than one. She is not going to believe that this just happened by chance.”
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“36 to the power of 7, actually, just accounting for 26 letter possibilities and 10 number possibilities for each of the seven slots.”
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“Yeah, big. It comes out to one in 78 trillion.”
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“No, it’s bigger actually. There are 300 billion stars in the Milky Way.”
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“It varies but most scientists say 37.2 trillion cells in an average human body.”
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“Yeah.”
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“Well, I guess he is my hero because I think he sort of represents the pinnacle of the combination of mental and physical discipline. His life was a fully present one. A lot of his philosophy was about being rather than doing. Like, he said, ‘There is nothing to try to do but try to be purposeless and formless, like water.’”
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“You could start with his first film, ‘The Big Boss’ from 1971, but that was written and directed by Lo Wei. So, if you were just going to watch one, I’d say go with the only film he wrote and directed, ‘Way Of The Dragon’ from 1972, which was the year before he died.”
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“Yeah, that’s true.”
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“Of something called a ‘cerebral edema’ which basically just means excess fluid in the brain.”
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“Really sad, yeah.”
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“No, that’s the thing. Nothing caused it. Just one of those freak accidents that can happen.”
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“Hah, yeah, maybe like 1 in 78 trillion.”
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“True.”
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“Wow, yeah. Well put, but look, could you please just… My girlfriend is going to break up with me if she thinks I am spending money on stupid stuff like novelty plates and she already thinks my Bruce Lee fandom is unhealthy.”
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“How? I don’t want to tell you how I lost my job.
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“I don’t want to say because -”
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“Fine. My boss thought my novelty Lee Jun-fan license plate was racist.
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“Well, Lee Jun-fan was too many letters, so it actually said JUNFAN1.
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“She, actually, and yes, she was Chinese.
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“So, there’s no way that you’ll send me a new random one?
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“No, it’s okay. I understand.
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“Okay, I guess I’ll just pay for a new novelty plate but choose random letters.
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“Yes, I do want a random one, but if I actually order another random one and I get another 1 in 78 trillion anomaly of, say FRYFIST or something my girlfriend is not going to believe that it was random and I’m back in the same spot.
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“Thank you. Yes. Okay, choosing randomly, how about…C...H…, and let’s throw a number in so I definitely won’t accidentally spell something...1...N...3….S...how many is that?
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“Okay, and how about end with a 3.”
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“Great. Do you need anything else from me?”
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“Oh yeah. Duh. My name is Dave Coulier.
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“No, I’m not him, we just have the same name.
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“No. No it is not. It’s just chance.”
Superman's Worst Enemy
Superman swoops in and saves Lois as she falls from a helicopter, lowering her from the skies. She holds on tight, staring into his eyes.
SUPERMAN: I’ve got you.
LOIS: But who’s got you?
Superman smiles as he lowers her to safety. She leans in to kiss Superman, who’s unsure if he should engage in such human-like contact. Finally, our hero gives in to temptation. They kiss passionately, Superman’s hand placed gently on her lower back. The staff of the Daily Planet runs up to them as the two finish locking lips.
JIMMY OLSEN: Superman, you saved the day!
SUPERMAN: All in a day’s work, Jimmy.
JIMMY OLSEN: Aw, shucks. You’re the best Superman… Wait. What’s that in your underwear? Pointing at me?
SUPERMAN: Oh it’s nothing. Just the angle you’re looking at my very complicated Kryptonian suit.
JIMMY OLSEN: Is that an erection, Superman?
SUPERMAN: Nope, like I said, it’s from Krypton.
Perry White reaches out to shake Superman’s hand
PERRY WHITE: Superman, our hats are off to you once again and... WHOA! What’s that in your pants?
SUPERMAN: Perry, it’s not what you think. That piece of slime Lex Luthor has implanted a stick of kryptonite —
PERRY WHITE: Nope, I know an erection when I see one. Our reporter Clark Kent has one every day when he talks to Lois. Lois, what does this look like to you?
LOIS: That’s an erection, chief.
PERRY WHITE: ...
LOIS: [realizing] Just like Clark’s!
SUPERMAN: I really must be going. General Zod is trying to bomb the Eiffel Tower.
LOIS: Wait a minute. Have you ever noticed that when Superman has an erection, Clark’s nowhere to be found?
SUPERMAN: Lois, you and your theories.
LOIS: I think I’m on to something. Where is Clark right now?
PERRY WHITE: Probably jackin’ off somewhere. That’s where he’s always disappearing to. I once saw him undress in a phone booth. Probably just to jack off in there.
SUPERMAN: Now wait a minute, Mr. White. Maybe he had another reason to go into that phone booth. Did you stick around and see what happened after he started taking off his shirt?
PERRY WHITE: I’m not some sort of pervert, Superman. Maybe you and your boner buddies on Krypton sit around and watch people jack off.
SUPERMAN: Everyone on Krypton died thousands of years ago.
Everyone stands awkwardly. Superman still has his erection.
SUPERMAN: It usually takes a couple minutes.
Michelangelo’s Muse
Much of Michelangelo's art was commissioned by the Medici family. It was their artistic requests that shaped his style and, ultimately, the time period.
The courage, the pain. It's all there on his face. Fine work, Michelangelo.
So you like it, Mr. Medici?
Yeah… Sure.
What? What's not to your liking?
It's just, I noticed you didn't make his penis visible.
Well, Young David is just a boy. I felt it may be inappropriate to include his genitals.
Be that as it may, I really think you should include the penis.
Do you think it's necessary?
The question isn't whether or not you should include a penis, it's how many penises you should include.
I'm not even sure what that means.
Listen, I've been talking to the pope and he's going to need a ceiling covered in penises.
Can I include their bodies, perhaps telling the story of the Bible in the process? You know, to give the genitals some context.
Whatever, you're the foremost "penis expert guy" of our time.
I'm called an "artist."
K.