I Loathe LA

 

Episode 1

Read my Screenplay 

Directed by: Bob Odenkirk

 
 

I am growing to love LA, or at least the parts of it that have burritos for sale. But when the idea of a short film "about" life in LA was suggested I had to pay homage to the seething desperation that permeates the souls of every single resident, as well as capture the eternal sunshine and all the goddamn driving. Look and see.

Video Credits:

Starring:
DV DeVincentis

 

Featuring:
John Ennis
Jim Turner
Dave Ferguson
Mike Mitchell
Chris VanArtsdalen
Jeff Dutton
Matt Kowalick

 

Writer & Director:
Bob Odenkirk

 

Exec Producer & Creator:
Janet Varney
Cole Stratton

 

Producer:
Rachel Goldenberg

 

DP:
Adam Silver

 

Editors:
Nick Wiger
William Maxell

 

Coordinator:
Becca Scheuer

 

Gaffer:
Steve Goodloe

 

Grip:
Igor Tochilnikov

 

AC:
Ray Lee

 

Art:
Kyle Smith

 

Hair/MU:
Leigh Schwartz

 

PA:
Andrew Grissom

 

Interns:
Matt Sweeney
Jacob Grodnik

Soundtrack to video provided by Yo La Tengo.

Purchase in iTunes

 

This article was originally published July 2012

 

The Occasional's Guide to Summer Music Festivals

 

Summer's Here!

And for music fans the world over that means it's time to gas up and hit the road for an awesome music festival! Some of the year's sickest fests have already come and gone, but there are plenty more on the way!

 
 

Big Blind Ben's BlueGrass Festival

Staples Parking Lot - Poolesville, Maryland 

August 10-12 (3-day pass, $225 / VIP pass, $495)

 
 
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The Festival: 

This will be the fourth exciting year for the annual Big Blind Ben’s “Back to the Land Bluegrass & Old-Timey Festival.” Three days of music and fun! Enter a world completely removed from the hassles of modern-day living! Dance your way to all 24 stages, all the while soaking up hours upon hours of authentic down-homey music just like your grandmammy used to hoe-down to before she moved to Boston to die.

 

Thumb-fiddlin' acts:

The Bareback Mountain Wrasslin’ Fellas, Jack and His Fleshy Beanstock (with Fly-Swattin’ Pooch, Rosco), the Toe-Cuttin’ Whittlers, the Rustic Racisms, the Jug Blowin’ Recycled-Bottle Blowers, Easy Pete & His Banjo-Strummin’ Mother-in-Law, the Yale University Whiffenpoofs (performing classic Negro spirituals), the Bearded Rich Gents from Brooklyn, Hickory Johnson’s Toe-Tappin’ Nose Pickers, and a Very Special Appearance by Klippy the Kountry Klown, 98 years old, and still making strange, spastic faces for spare change, although it’s no longer a job.

 

Special Events:

  • World-Famous Professional Spitter “Railroad Ronny” attempts to break his own long-distance spittin’ record (the length of four First Aid tents)!!!
  • Spastic Ol’ Style Yodeling Jams (Beginners to Advanced!)
  • Nude Taffee Pullin’ with Sunbonnet Sue!!!
  • Water Slidin’ with Big Bill & His Semi-Retarded Brethren!!!!
  • Dyspeptic Jonni’s All-Day Jew’s Harp Jam!!! (Sorry, Advanced Only!)
  • Big Blind Old Ben, Himself! As Played By a Recent Graduate of the Baltimore School of Performing Arts!!!
     

Food & Tickets:

Country cookin’ at its finest! Fried neck bones! Blackened Louisiana pelican and chitterlings! Hog maws and country-fried Steak-Umms! All-you-can-drink sweet tea served by the actor who played the One-Toothed Backwoods Anal Rapist in Deliverance, who will also be signing his new book, America’s Hidden Government (FreePressPublishing).

If you splurge for the VIP 3-Day pass, you will be provided with FREE access to the Exclusive Masters Club that features shade and special restroom facilities. You will also receive VIP Napkins (limited). Hey, y’all! C’mon back again this year! Y’hear?!

 

Directions:

Beltway to Rt. 28. Take the service road leading to the Staples North-West parking lot (adjacent to the Rockville Hospice Center). Look for the middle-aged attendants dressed in old-timey overalls and floppy caps, and using Motorola Lightweight Headsets. Park next to the rented goats and styrofoam bales of hay.

 

About Blind Ben, our festival's mascot:

Big Blind Ben is a character that was created in 2009 by Kraft Foods to help promote its Wild Beans & Okra spice mix, and then licensed to the festival for a small fee and the responsibility to pay for all monetary settlements in which Kraft Foods is sued in any case related to racism or crimes against humanity. Never seen him? Big Blind Ben’s real easy to picture: think of Mr. Wendal from the 1990s rap group Arrested Development, but with a far sunnier outlook and with a penchant for handing out half-off coupons! He’s also the only product mascot with an unsightly harelip.

 
 
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99.5 ZJAMz and Walmart present the “SUNSET ON THE VERIZON MIDNIGHT SUMMER JAM!

Gillette Stadium - Foxborough, Massachusetts

October 4-6 ($500, VIP pass, $750 [includes free on-site Wi-Fi, and $15 Applebee’s gift card]) 

 
 
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ARE YOU READY TO JAM AND GRIND TO THE HOTTEST SMASH TUNES AND UNFORGETTABLE POP ANTHEMS?! 

99.5 ZJAMz and Walmart© are packing three fun-filled stages with your favorite top-40 artists! 

 

You won’t believe your eyes™ or your ears, at the LensCrafters© Stage: 


BUCK 9, MC CHEETOS© & DJ ORANGE, MUCKA FLINTZ, KREWD, LADY LAD, SARONG, SEXKEN, KID NUGGETZ, and SSOAP.

 

Then step on over to the Payless© “Stomp Zone” and get down to some of the slickest acts to pump the urban beat: 

MUNE CREW FEATURING H.H. SMOKEZ, THE HORNEE BOYZ, SUFFA ISTUHKATED, YUNG BABY BUNTING, CORDWOOD DIESEL & BITCH HEAD, GLORY HO, and SKRATCHEEZEY.

 

Finally, it’s our “New Axe Stage” sponsored by Axe Body Spray©, featuring some of the hottest up-and-coming artists EVER!!! TAKE A LOOK AT JUST A FEW: 

 

Lil' Shenanigans:

A runner-up on America Has Things, this four-year-old rapper spits the hottest rhymes with the help of his hand puppet, Stinky Lion. These two are not afraid to tell it like it is, as evidenced in Shenanigan’s latest chart topper, “Old Lady I Smellin’ U Butt.” Go, Lil’ Shen Shen, Go!!!

 

Therese:

A protégé of Katy Perry, Therese was discovered huddled in a Forever 21© changing room during one of Katy Perry’s after-hours closed-door shopping sprees at Cleveland’s SouthPark Mall. With perfect pitch, and a vocal range akin to a damaged roller coaster, Therese is fast on her way to pop stardom with such hits as “Gang Mouth” and “I’m In Your Kitten’s Stomach Now (Be Kind).”

 

Stratton Dees: After surviving a horrific chimp attack on the set of his hit show My Snow Globe Summer, Stratton endured a total of nineteen reconstructive surgeries and has nothing more to show for it than a face that resembles a rotting peach. The good news is that the damage to his vocal cords miraculously left him with the voice of an angel, and the horrible ordeal gave him lots of painful memories to draw on for lyrics! Thanks to a lightweight and very realistic-looking plastic facemask provided by Dow Chemical©, Stratton is able to perform without scaring too many of the pre-teens who flock to his concerts! Look for him to sing his hit single, “My Tongue Still Work, Bitch.”    
 

Special Events: 

  • Record a virtual duet with a dead relative at the Sony© Holograndmatorium™!
  • Buy a pair of Mario Batali Meal Crocs™ and gain entrance to the snack tent sponsored by Tim Hortons© and Long John Silver’s©!
  • Free unlimited bathroom visits, thanks to Charmin© and the Neville Brothers™!
  • Enter for a chance to win a day’s supply of meals from Carl’s Jr.©* (*a charge of $5 per entry will be applied)!

Directions: 
Type the code:

“Walmart95ZJAMzVerizonPHutSkechersFest@GiletteTimHorton” into your GARMIN© GPS, find your listed zip code, then enter: “CheetohsBataliCrocCarlsJrBurgerRDeliciousWeightWatchersGoodIdea” and follow the directions. If you do not own a GARMIN© GPS you will not be allowed entry to the festival.

 
 
 
 

The Electric Gravy Boom-Boom Psytrancival

Unused portion of Rikers Island - New York, New York

September 1-3 ($250, or free for anyone wearing butterfly wings)

 
 

The Second Annual Electric Gravy Boom-Boom Psytrancival is an inter-generational event built on love, energy, and a sacred pledge that all men over 40 not wear any inner or outer garments with the slightest hint of Day Glo.
More than SIX Earth-Shattering, Energy-Infused Staged Areas, all complete with separate state-of-the-art sound systems, each borrowed just for the weekend from the Promise Keepers Ministry in Dallas!

 

Groovy Anagalactic Beach 

Lasers! Smoke machines! Slinky mimes! Liquid ice! Powdered clowns! Used sock-puppets! Colorful streamers! Non-sanctioned trapeze artists with zero health insurance! A group of gay men in Dr. Seuss hats feeding each other tapioca pudding with sustainable paper sporks! 

Chill factor: Very.

 

The UpsideDown Freeqy Garden 

Foamy fun! Glow sticks! Go-go dancers! One stoned man waving a Hannukah candle! Anything can happen at the UpsideDown Freeqy Garden, as evidenced by the Great Tent Fire of 2011!!!
Chill factor: Not much.

   

The Sunken Crystal Nocturnal Rainbow Emission

Join world-famous DJ "Infected Mushroom" as he spins his own unique brand of "Edgy Trance," all the while riding a mechanical bulldyke. 

Chill factor: Zero. 

  
Licorice Convergence II 
Watch Miss Dubstep 2012 as she sucks on a nitrous oxide canister and goes “wee wee” in a box filled with sand shipped over from Ibiza! Observe an exhausted Crispian Mills of Kula Shaker and a bewildered Jay Kay from Jamiroquai swayin' side by side! 

Chill factor: the Highest.

 

Special Events: 

  • Seminars on How to Make Your Own Organic Trade-Free Coffee Enemas!
  • Midnight Bubble Orgy!
  • Post-Orgy-Cleanup and Smoked-Fish Deli Spread!
  • Observe Moby Beating a Man to Death for Attempting to Initiate a Country Line-Dance!
  • Special Apps to Hone in on Disease-Free Genitalia!

Directions: 

2,3,4, B,Q, F or G trains to Riker’s Island front gate. Take prison jitney to concert site. Follow the miserable off-duty guards holding glow sticks and wearing neon wigs. Enter the Zone. Leave behind your inhibitions. Lock and load your libido. No bottles, no food, no job, no interest in what the rest of the world might call “acting normal and grown up.

 
 
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The Freak-Your-$hit Horrorcore ClownDown (formerly the Soul Sounds by the Sea Shore Waterfront Doo-Wop Fest)

Mystic, Connecticut

July 23rd-26th (BETA-ASS CHUMP Pass $75, NINJA DICK Pass $150)

 
 
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After an incident in which four 80-year-old members of doo-wop group The Elegants broke their hips simultaneously during a choreographed spin to "Earth Angel," the long-running Soul Sounds By The Sea Shore festival pulled up stakes and disappeared In the Still of the Night! But this year, regional concert promoters Dickcheez Productions have stepped in to fill the void.
Featuring 398 hardcore “in yo’ face and out yo’ ass” clown-painted murder rappers not quite slick enough to make the cut for the officialInsane Clown Posse Gathering of the Juggalos, the four-day ClownDown promises to be some "twisted-dick bullshit," all against the backdrop of a classic New England port town!
Ever had the urge to "drop anchor" on one of Mystic's famous tall ships? You're in luck, ‘cuz that’s where they put the Port-A-Johns! Get high on kush bud and wander Olde Mistick Village (Est. 1654!), where you can visit Colonial Pewter Miniatures and touch a lot of little metal shit! Or you can just watch lonely, elderly women in 17th-century attire dip long candles that look a whole lot like donkey dicks! (You’ll see—they do!)
Confirmed acts include PROLAPZED REKTUM, THE HIGH-AS-FUCK DUCKSHIT TWINS, DOS WHISKEY DIX, DA TAINT MUNKZ, POOP SHY MANIAX, LI’L LYLE THE MIDGET WITH CROHN’S DISEASE, formerly racist South African "Zef" crew AFRIKAANUS, and RETARDED DOUGLAS.
And good news, Ninjas: the festival is scheduled entirely on weeknights to make attendance easier for the unemployed!     

 

Special Events:

  • Canine fuckfest featuring hundreds of the town's horniest dogs dropped into the same 15' by 15' playpen!
  • A real-life Congolese war criminal gettin' smoked-up and talkin' CRAZY shit about his genocides!
  • A caricature artist high on bath salts who can draw your picture all freaky, and who works free for boob flashes or sample packs of his preferred eczema cream!
  • A morbidly obese man named Dillballs who swallows and regurgitates a hermit crab!
  • Eight camp chairs to be shared amongst attendees in any way they see fit!
  • And if all goes according to plan, the entire Mystic seaport will be made bright orange using 100,000 gallons of new Faygo brand Pineapple/Watermelon flavored Party Pop Pop!

 

Camping information:

Waterfront benches and the flatbeds of strangers’ pick-up trucks are first-come, first-served.

 

Directions: 

Attendees are advised to take the charter buses departing every 10 minutes from behind the public library downtown – the one with the good bathroom and the librarians who don’t hassle you if you use the free internet to watch your stroke flicks!

 
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Art By:

Kevin Alvir - Introduction & Final Page

Abel Macias - Big Blind Ben’s Bluegrass Festival

Nathaniel Soria - Sunset on the Verizon

Brad Jonas - The Electric Gravy Boom-Boom Psytrancival

Harrison Freeman - Freak-Your-$hit Horrorcore Clowndown

 

This article was originally published July 2012

 

Product Review: Screwdriver

 
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I'm here today to talk about an amazing product: The screwdriver.  Some of you might be surprised that I’ve never heard of a screwdriver before, but that’s because some of you didn’t know I was legally deaf for five years. Sure, it was by choice, but that’s because everything before 9/11 was so boring. It’s actually pretty easy to pretend you’re deaf. All you have to do is scream, spit a little, and angrily point at your ears. You’d be surprised how many people don’t even try to talk to you then.

So, apparently, the screwdriver is a tool commonly used for construction. And if you can get past the wacky name, it can actually be a very useful product. You can use it for a variety of household tasks (i.e., putting up shelves, taking down shelves, stealing shelves from Rite Aid). In many ways, it makes life much easier. I guess the most difficult part about using a screwdriver is not thinking about its sexual connotations. Not only because “screw” means sex, but also because screwdrivers can fall into people’s butts pretty easily. I’ve even heard that it can happen in the bathtub last Tuesday night while my roommate was sleeping. But that’s just a rumor.  

The one criticism I have of the screwdriver is that it’s hard to be around it and not be horny. Come to think of it, it’s hard to be around anything and not be horny. That might be a me problem. Here is a list of three things and why they are sexy:

  1. Rugs. Rugs are sexy because they’re basically hair. And hair is sexy because Sean Connery has hair. Anything Sean Connery has, or had, is sexy.  That could be a list on its own. I’m not going do it here, but that’s why they open up the floor at PTA meetings.
  2. Holes. Holes are sexy because a hole is fifty-percent of what you need for sex. The other fifty-percent is your willingness to stick your stuff into holes. If you do the math, that’s about 500 things to have sex with per city block. So go ahead and add “cities” to the list of things that are sexy.
  3. Mammals. I’ve thought mammals were sexy ever since I heard ZZ Top’s Legs. That song’s about mammals, right? I don’t give a shit if it’s not. I’m just going to think it is.

 

Overall, I think the screwdriver is a great product.  If you’re thinking of buying one, it’s definitely worth the money.  Unless you’re thinking about buying an Xbox.  In that case, all other purchases should go on the back burner.  Xbox is great because if you play it too much you can die.  I heard that happened to a Chinese kid.  I felt bad for him until I remembered he died from playing video games.  That’s a fun way to go.  Better than being squished by a wrecking ball.  I heard that also happened to a Chinese kid.  Chinese kids are always dying weird.  

 

Overall Rating

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Four out of Five Hostess Cupcakes  

(I rate everything in products I can potentially get for free.  And I figured Hostess has plenty of cupcakes to spare, especially for a guy who uses them exclusively to throw at his neighbor’s stupid motorcycle.)

 

Film School

KUMAIL NANJIANI RATES MOVIES BASED ON HOW EDUCATIONAL HE FOUND THEM.

 
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Ted

2 Life Lessons

  1. If you call 911 because your magically sentient teddy bear has been kidnapped, do not say “My magically sentient teddy bear is kidnapped!” Instead, say that your friend has been kidnapped. It’s true, and will yield a more considered response.
  2. If a magically sentient bear is born and everyone knows about it, the government will let the boy keep the bear. Instead of, you know, sticking it in a lab for testing. This whole movie should be set in a research facility. The bear would not be renting hookers or cracking wise or singing Hootie at a karaoke party. It would be strapped down in a gurney with syringes sticking out of it, surrounded by men in lab coats saying things like “But it has no lungs! How does it convey oxygen into the blood stream?” or “Some guy who looks like Marky Mark shows up every day to ask for his Christmas present back” or “If it has no hormones, why does it keep telling Dr. Cheng that he wants to see her big wontons? Also, this bear is casually racist.”
 
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Prometheus

6 Life Lessons

  1. Just because a movie has closing credits does not mean it has an ending.
  2. Trained geologists will freak out at the first evidence of a far away ancient civilization, but will be totally fine petting an obviously evil reptile vampire monster just 20 minutes later. Totally fine.
  3. Make sure your captain is Idris Elba.
  4. Idris Elba is the shit. He’s just awesome.
  5. This movie is a prequel to Alien, so apparently later the space ships get shittier. The biggest technological upgrade that the Nostromo (ship from Alien) gets over the Prometheus (ship from Star Wars--joking it's the ship from Prometheus) is the addition of a room with wet, rusty chains hanging from the ceiling. And I don’t know what kind of technological upgrade that is.
  6. About a year ago, Patrick Wilson’s agent called him and said “Can you do a British accent, and are you free this afternoon?”
 
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Magic Mike

12 Life Lessons

  1. Full disclosure: I didn’t see Magic Mike, but my wife has seen it 3,222,556 times. High five. Good joke.
  2. I should stay away from carbs, I guess?
  3. How many sit-ups does it take to get a six pack? I don’t know, but I do know that it’s more than I’ve done in my whole life.
  4. Maybe I’m not drinking enough protein shakes? That might be it.
  5. Okay, this nutrition thing is hard. Did you know onions have calories? Fuckin’ onions, guys. Straight to your butt. That’s where the phrase onion booty comes from.
  6. I mean, I bet Channing Tatum doesn’t get onions on his burgers right? I bet he doesn’t even eat burgers. I bet he eats raw chickens that have been shown Pumping Iron clips their whole lives.
  7. Maybe if I shave everything I’ll see my results quicker. BRB.
  8. My everything hurts.
  9. Every muscle in Matthew Macaunaghey’s body points to his dick.
  10. Don’t leave your wife/girlfriend alone with Matthew Macaunaghey. But you already knew that. (See 9.)
  11. I don’t know how to spell Matthew Macaunaghey. And I don’t care. And get away from my fucking wife, dude.
  12. My friend’s wife used to call him “Matthew McCumOnMe.” They got divorced later that summer.
 
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The Amazing Spiderman

5 Life Lessons

  1. If you are going to be a nerd, it helps to have the bone structure and hair of Andrew Garfield.
  2. You are a nerd even if you don’t look or sound like a nerd, as long as the people around you treat you like a nerd.
  3. The webbing apparatus that is extremely cutting edge, is also surprisingly cheap! How else could a high school student from a lower middle class home afford it?
  4. Big time research labs will allow high school students to do experiments there, and to lead in depth tours of other high school students. As long as you look like Emma Stone.
  5. The scientist who really hates that he has only one hand, and stares at it sadly all the time, and is working on a thing that’ll regrow limbs no matter what the cost?  Yeah, he’s the bad guy.
 

This article was originally published July 2012

 

K&A: Jackée Harry

 

Julie Klausner chats with Jackée Harry, you probably know her from 227, Ladybugs, and being fabulous.

 
 

Julie Klausner: Hello Jackée! Thank you for joining me for this interview. What are you doing this very moment? Please give our readers a sense of your current setting. You don’t have to tell them what you’re wearing, though that would certainly help.

Jackée Harry: Picture it: Beverly Hills. 2012. Yours truly has just settled into bed wearing a raw silk negligée and grabs her Kindle, longing to discover the 49th shade of the Fifty Shades Of Gray, while sipping on a delicious glass of Perrier-Jouët when suddenly, the phone rings. Enraged by the interruption, an agitated Jackée begins this interview. How’s that for my setting?


JK: Absolutely perfect! And I’m sorry to agitate. So, you are a hilariously funny actress. Who did you watch growing up and wanting to emulate? I know you’re a Lucille Ball fan.

JH: Yes, Lucy was an inspiration, as well as Rosalind Cash, Diahann Carroll, and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (for whom I was named after).


JK: Any female comedians or comic performers you’re a huge fan of? Besides me, obviously?

JH: There are so many amazing comediennes out there! Some of my faves are you, of course, along with Jenny Johnson, Rachel Dratch, Lisa Lampanelli, Kathy Griffin, Wanda Sykes, Ellen Degeneres, Luenell, Joan Rivers, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy and Tina Fey. 


JK: How did your career change after you won your Emmy?

JH: I added a few zeroes to my net worth, and discovered which of my accountants were genuinely honest people. None of them! In all seriousness, it was a career highlight, but a lonely experience for me.


JK: Do you find that people want you to be as sassy and man-hungry as Sandra from 227? What are some important differences between you and Sandra? Both of you have gorgeous breasts.

JH: Of course, people expect me to BE ‘Sandra.’ That’s absolutely ridiculous; we are NOTHING alike. Sandra kept a little black book, whereas I rely on my little Blackberry.


JK: Are you addicted to anything?

JH: Yes, being faaaaabulous! But I’m taking it one diamond at a time-- I mean, day. 


JK: That’s a sound philosophy. Tell me about the new projects you have on your horizon! I know you’re working on a new sitcom, First Family for Byron Allen’s production company?

JH: Yes, I taped the pilot for that series with Gladys Knight, Marla Gibbs, Kellita Smith, Christopher B. Duncan, and John Witherspoon. I’m also doing a play with Marla, Let The Church Roll On, and just shot a film with Dan Garcia and Clifton Powell. My very own product line may be hitting stores soon also. I’m not ready to reveal what type of products yet, but you’ll be one of the first to know.


JK: I love products! Speaking of Byron Allen, have you ever seen an episode of Comics Unleashed?

JH: YES, and that show is a Godsend! Before then comics were so… leashed? 


JK: Agreed. What is it like working with Gladys Knight?

JH: Working with Gladys is perhaps one of the most enjoyable experiences I’ve had in my career. She’s humble, reverent…a true legendary talent. Not to mention, she travels with an entourage of gorgeous men she calls “Pips.” What’s not to love?


JK: What makes you laugh?

JH: When funny thangs are heard, endorphins are released within my brain and the zygomatic and risorius muscles found in my face contract, resulting in a stunning smile. Then my vocal cords vibrate uncontrollably forcing a burst of air out of my mouth, which produces a “hahahaha” sound.


JK: I love a technical answer. What’s your cocktail?

JH: Grey Goose… chilled.


JK: How often do you Google yourself?

JH: I never Google myself, but I Bing myself at least twice a day.


JK: Brilliant. What websites do you visit before noon?

JH: myidriselba.com and zaxbys.com. LOVE them chicken tenders. 


JK: What’s the most scandalous thing you’ve done today alone?

JH: I plead the fifth. Let’s just say it involves a strappy pair of Christian Louboutins, whipped topping, and solar panels. 


JK: That’s very green! Tell me something people wouldn’t generally know about you.

JH: I ALWAYS wake up looking fucking fabulous. Without failure.


JK: Of course. Can you share a particularly tender memory of working with Rodney Dangerfield?

JH: The entire experience of working with Rodney was great. I miss him dearly. 


JK: Who, besides your son, is the love of your life?

JH: All three of my husbands, and my Emmy, first name- Edwin.


JK: You have one of the longest and most diverse careers of anyone working—what advice would you give to people who are in between jobs and don’t want to give into feeling too blue or inactive?

JH: Keep the faith and cast all of your troubles upon a full sleeve of Golden Oreos.


JK: Golden Oreos! Interesting. Moving on—when you tweet that you’re getting your #CardioGroove on, what does that generally mean? The Elliptical? Sex?

JH: Aren’t they one in the same, darling? 


JK: Have you ever slept with one of your fans?

JH: Hell no! I always have them leave before dawn.

 

JK: What’s something you’d love to do in your career?

JH: Idris Elba. 


JK: Thank you Jackée! I love you—you are my absolute favorite!

JH: I love you MOST, Jules. Thank you! xox

 
 

This article was originally published July 2012

How to Fight a Trash Can

 
 

Uh Oh.

Not again.

 

You’ve just woken up covered in garbage. 

 

You know what happened. You and your trash can fought last night. You’re lucky you even made it to the bedroom; we both remember the time it took you to task in the driveway, and you woke up on the lawn with mashed up bits of banana in your hair.

Well, my friend, today you’re going to learn how to fight a trash can. Follow these simple steps and your driveway/kitchen/bathroom/neighbor’s driveway will crackle like an MMA ring in Vegas. Only you’ll be the guy who knows how to fight, and that Trash Can will be the other guy who gets punched over and over again in viral montages scored with Nickleback songs.

 
 
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Step One 

Sneak up on your trash can 

Your trash can is almost always ready to fight, so it’s best to start with a sneak attack. Keep low to the ground, knees bent. Imagine your feet are made of sponge. Maybe they are; you don’t know. It’s been awhile since you looked down. If you lose your balance and fall, lay there until your trash can thinks you’re dead. If someone else walks by, whisper that you’re dead, and insist that they leave. 

 
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Step Two

Kick the lid off

The fastest way to disorient a trash can is to knock its lid off. So kick! If you lose a shoe, leave it behind. Take a moment to see if you have sponge feet. Don’t? Good. That means the trash can hasn’t cut off your feet and replaced them while you sleep. Kick that can. But be careful; trash cans can release a special powder. Hold your breath until you see static. Repeat your mantra: This Only Looks Crazy to Other People.

 
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Step Three 

Intimidate the trash can 

Now you’ve got the upper hand. It’s time to demoralize that trash can. Start yelling. Insults that work well on trash cans include, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” and “I’M THE WHOLE ALPHABET!” If you’re in your neighbor’s driveway fighting his trash can, call it by his last name. For example, “LOOK AT ME, PETERSON! TODAY, WE MEET GOD TOGETHER!” You can also intimidate your neighbor’s trash can by hurling insults at your neighbor’s kids. For some reason, this really upsets your neighbor’s trash can.

 
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Step Six 

Punch your neighbor 

Screw the other steps. We’re going to six. Your neighbor has been hypnotized by the trash can. He’s coming at you. For his safety, drop him with one punch and run at the trash can at full speed. There’s only one more round in this battle, and you’re not gonna leave with a loss.

 
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Step Seven 

throw the trash can into the street 

Screw the other steps. We’re going to six. Your neighbor has been hypnotized by the trash can. He’s coming at you. For his safety, drop him with one punch and run at the trash can at full speed. There’s only one more round in this battle, and you’re not gonna leave with a loss.

 
6.jpg

VICTORY 

Congrats. You’ve successfully fought a trash can. You’re a hero! If your neighbor disagrees, tell him you were joking about his kids. If he still insists he’s gonna call the cops, look for a new place to live. The trash cans have brainwashed everyone on the block. You can’t save them all.

 

This article was originally published July 2012

 

Dating Advice from an Eight-Year-Old

 

Dear Lucas,
There’s a girl I’m digging on and I’m not sure if she’s married. While I think she’s vaguely referenced a “hubby” and I’ve seen her with some guy, she’s not wearing a ring. Any ideas for how I can find out?
Single in San Fran

Dear Single,
The best way to find out if a couple is married is introduce them to a child. When I spy on my parents from the staircase, they never talk to each other. But the moment they see me they get really chatty! They say fun things like “We’re locked into this til he’s 18.” Hope that helps!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I feel like my job is hurting my libido. Any tips on staying strong in bed while weak at work?
Overworked in Oregon

Dear Overworked, 
Eating? Eating makes you stronger and being strong in bed is very important. One time I saw my parents wrestling in bed and my Dad was winning. But I think the rules were different because my Mom kept telling him to pull her hair. It’s like she’s playing for the other team!
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost eight years and I’m getting antsy. When can I expect him to propose?
Ready in Rye

Dear Ready,
If you’ve known him as long as you say you have, that means you’ve known him your entire life and he’s probably your brother. Marrying your brother seems fun because you already have the same family. I wish I had a sibling. Every time I ask my Mom for one, she says “It’s not my fault you have no friends” and then laughs and walks away. She’s always laughing, even when nobody is around. Sometimes her laughs turn into tears. Being a grown-up seems so fun! 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
My boyfriend and I have been together a while and things are starting to wane. I just don’t think we have enough in common. Is that going to be a problem in the long run? Then again, things are still great in the sack, if you know what I mean.
Conflicted in Carolina

Dear Conflicted,
I do not know what you mean. Please tell me. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
Oh, right. You’re just a kid. I don’t know if I feel comfortable going into details. 
Still Conflicted in Carolina

Dear Still Conflicted, 
I’m a licensed sex therapist. I can’t help you until you fully open up. 
Lucas

 

Dear Lucas, 
You’re right. Opening up is actually a problem I’ve always had, so let’s just do this, right? The thing is that despite all our issues, my boyfriend never fails to get me off. All I want to do is screw his brains out. And it’s clouding my assessment of the relationship as a whole. Even thinking about it gets me horny.
Even More Conflicted in Carolina

Dear “Conflicted,”
Lord knows I may not be the world’s best mom, but I do know that what you are doing and saying to my child is disgusting and punishable by law. This is the last correspondence you will ever have with my child. 

Lucas’s Mother

P.S. What’s your boyfriend’s name and address? I’ll personally pay him a visit.

 

This article was originally published July 2012

 

A Day In The Life Of Sarah Silverman

 

As you know, Sarah Silverman is very famous.

A comedy star, you might say. So what's it like to be such a big deal? Let Sarah tell you as she whisks you through her day. 

 
 

Push play below and follow along on her journey.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Photography by: Robyn Von Swank

Written by: Dan Abramson & Sarah Silverman

Originally published in July 2012