Uh Oh.
Not again.
You’ve just woken up covered in garbage.
You know what happened. You and your trash can fought last night. You’re lucky you even made it to the bedroom; we both remember the time it took you to task in the driveway, and you woke up on the lawn with mashed up bits of banana in your hair.
Well, my friend, today you’re going to learn how to fight a trash can. Follow these simple steps and your driveway/kitchen/bathroom/neighbor’s driveway will crackle like an MMA ring in Vegas. Only you’ll be the guy who knows how to fight, and that Trash Can will be the other guy who gets punched over and over again in viral montages scored with Nickleback songs.
Step One
Sneak up on your trash can
Your trash can is almost always ready to fight, so it’s best to start with a sneak attack. Keep low to the ground, knees bent. Imagine your feet are made of sponge. Maybe they are; you don’t know. It’s been awhile since you looked down. If you lose your balance and fall, lay there until your trash can thinks you’re dead. If someone else walks by, whisper that you’re dead, and insist that they leave.
Step Two
Kick the lid off
The fastest way to disorient a trash can is to knock its lid off. So kick! If you lose a shoe, leave it behind. Take a moment to see if you have sponge feet. Don’t? Good. That means the trash can hasn’t cut off your feet and replaced them while you sleep. Kick that can. But be careful; trash cans can release a special powder. Hold your breath until you see static. Repeat your mantra: This Only Looks Crazy to Other People.
Step Three
Intimidate the trash can
Now you’ve got the upper hand. It’s time to demoralize that trash can. Start yelling. Insults that work well on trash cans include, “YOU DON’T KNOW ME!” and “I’M THE WHOLE ALPHABET!” If you’re in your neighbor’s driveway fighting his trash can, call it by his last name. For example, “LOOK AT ME, PETERSON! TODAY, WE MEET GOD TOGETHER!” You can also intimidate your neighbor’s trash can by hurling insults at your neighbor’s kids. For some reason, this really upsets your neighbor’s trash can.
Step Six
Punch your neighbor
Screw the other steps. We’re going to six. Your neighbor has been hypnotized by the trash can. He’s coming at you. For his safety, drop him with one punch and run at the trash can at full speed. There’s only one more round in this battle, and you’re not gonna leave with a loss.
Step Seven
throw the trash can into the street
Screw the other steps. We’re going to six. Your neighbor has been hypnotized by the trash can. He’s coming at you. For his safety, drop him with one punch and run at the trash can at full speed. There’s only one more round in this battle, and you’re not gonna leave with a loss.
VICTORY
Congrats. You’ve successfully fought a trash can. You’re a hero! If your neighbor disagrees, tell him you were joking about his kids. If he still insists he’s gonna call the cops, look for a new place to live. The trash cans have brainwashed everyone on the block. You can’t save them all.
This article was originally published July 2012