New Publishing Schedule
Updating a website is a daunting task. Four writers died this week in the process. As a result, to save lives, The Occasional will now be publishing once a week. A new batch of goofs will arrive on your internets EVERY WEDNESDAY.
A Field Guide To Your Mom's Friends' Tattoos
A classic flower tattoo. Elegance, romance, the duality of life. And it's sweet that Linda got one on her leg because it makes her feel special and she needs that right now.
Oedipus’ Real Tragic Flaw Was That He’d Never Seen The Wire
What ultimately led to Oedipus’ tragic undoing in Sophocles’ masterpieceOedipus Rex? Was it his hubris? His excessive temper? His blind determination? No. These are simply symptoms of a much greater disease. Oedipus’ real tragic flaw was that he’d never seen David Simon’s groundbreaking HBO series The Wire.
A More Useful College Course Catalogue
Along with amphetamines and opiates, hallucinogens offer a world of whack-ass experiences for the typical college student. Unlike crack or heroin, this will only SORT OF destroy your life and give you flashbacks that’ll really fuck you up when you need to be doing something grown up, like witnessing the birth of your first child or driving.
On The 7th Day, God Accidentally Slept Through His Alarm And Totally Freaked Out
On the 7th Day, God woke up to the afternoon sun on his face. There’s no way. He couldn’t have. Sure enough, he indeed had. For on the 6th Day, God went hard at the bar to blow off some steam after creating the entire universe. And on the 7th Day, God overslept and freaked out.
Read More →
MY FUCKBOT ROOMMATE!
I am finding it hard to live with my roommate, Fuckbot XXXtreme. My main problem is that he never stops fucking. He fucks at all hours of the day. He fucks at all hours of the night. Every night. He fucks dozens of sexual partners per week, often many at the same time.
Blue Armoire For Sale, Not Infested With Scorpions
I inherited this armoire from my great-great-grandfather, who found it during a long journey through India 100 years ago.
My Personal WiFi Terms & Conditions
Dear Library Free WiFi, Thank you for sharing the Terms & Conditions of your use. Before I click “Accept,” I want to let you know that I have a few Terms & Conditions of my own.
An Interview With Aristotle
In 335 B.C., Aristotle wrote Poetics, a landmark work of literary theory. In it, the great philosopher asserted that “spectacle” was the least-important component of a play, ranking far below the work's “morality” and “logic.”
Disappointed Yelp Review For Space Camp
Hello, Yelp. This is my first ever review but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t register and warn you of the sham that is Space Camp.
QUIZ: Are You Sexually Attracted To Your Cousin
Choose the options that best describe your feelings toward your cousin.
Jim's Discount Cloud
Google and Apple's cloud services too expensive for you? Not sure what a cloud even is? No problem! It's easy to get confused with today's modern technology.
Pulp Pulp
Tag Heuer glanced down at his Rolex (this irony was not lost on him; even though it wasn't mentioned earlier, Tag had conveniently earned an advanced degree in Tactical Weaponry and Irony during his time at Cambridge-On-Oxford)—a watch that probably cost at least $8,000, if not more. It was exactly 3:49 p.m.
Batman by Other Directors
With superhero movies being rebooted faster and faster these days, it seems like only a matter of time before every director in Hollywood gets a chance to do their own ‘Batman' movie.
Night Night With Ron Funches Episodes 1 & 2
Who says a talk show needs to be an hour? That’s way too long. We’ve got everything you need, in less than five minutes.
The Occasional's Audio Book Series: Tuesdays With Morrie
The third book in our ongoing series.
Henderson Family Reunion
Our Planning Committee has been working nonstop for the last two years to put together what is sure to be an action-packed, fun-filled weekend—for the whole family! Ha, ha! This handy guide will allow you to take full advantage.
Product Review: Cell Phones
It seems like everyone has a cell phone nowadays. Everyone except grandmas. Grandmas never like to listen to their grandsons about what’s good for them. I once suggested that my grandmother get a crew cut and she called me an idiot.
Morphs: Here's What These Super Hero Stars Looked Like When They Were Younger
The appearances of the actors portraying iconic superheroes are locked into our minds, as they, themselves, became synonymous with the character. But what did they look like when they were just fresh faces, before they even had donned a cape?
The One Man Affected By Y2K
In 1999, Alan White had everything: a house, a wife, a life full of promise. But when the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2000, that all changed.
5 Heroic Questions With Ian Edwards
Heroes Month continues into month two or three here at The Occasional. Joining us for an in-depth look at heroes is stand-up Ian Edwards.
Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time (Volume 4)
I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do.
Today's Goofs Are Sponsored By:
Writer Spotlight: Simon Rich
The New Yorker seems to be highlighting Simon Rich a lot, so let's do that too.
An Annotated Breakdown Of Enrique Iglesias' "Hero"
In the spirit of Rap Genius, we bring you a thorough analysis of a classic.
An Analysis Of Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet In ‘Batman V. Superman’
This weekend San Diego Comic Con debuted an exclusive first look at Wonder Woman’s Invisible Jet from the upcoming film. The Ocassional breaks it down.
Potential Daydreams For A Weak Teenage Boy
Weak teenagers spend much of their days in school daydreaming. Sometimes, however, one may find himself daydreaming the same scenarios over and over, and grown a little tired of it. Well, here are some new daydreams to get you through the rest of high school, college, and, let’s face it, life
Thank You For Calling Time Warner, Your Call Is Very Important To Us And Also We’re Busy Saving The World
“Time Warner Cable, this is Erin speaking, please hold,” I say.
“Oh, I just wanted—”
“Please hold,” I say again, despite the woman’s exasperated tone. For the good of mankind, she’s going to have to wait.
A Letter To Marvel Regarding My Recent Radioactive Spider Bite
Had a couple questions I was hoping you could help me with — mostly regarding Spiderman’s origin story. In both the comics and the films, I was lead to believe he was bit by a radioactive spider? Cause the thing is, um, so have I.
The Adventures Of A Female Super Hero
When the fighting finally finished half the town lay in ruins, but she had won. Galaxis, Earthʼs greatest hero and guardian of humanity, staggered to her feet. Her blue cape was tattered, her silver polymer jumpsuit scorched with countless laser burns.
Being Superman Has Bored Me And I’d Like The Entire Justice League To Have Sex While I Watch
Oh, sorry. One more thing: You’re all going to have to wear a Superman suit. Not to worry; I had Batman’s weird old roommate get all your sizes.
A Gentleman’s Guide To Becoming A Supervillain
When running your lucrative business, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when running the world.
Weapon X To Wolverine: Please Come Back To Finish Your Physical Therapy
Hello Mr. Wolverine. My name is Keith Lemay, I’m a physical therapist at the Weapon X program. Our records show that recently you violently escaped our compound after Dr. Stryker grafted adamantium to your skeleton, but that you did not complete your physical therapy.
Happy 4th Of July! Or Don't!
Whatever, We're Not Your Dad!
Women Are The Real Heroes
Women can have babies, while all men can do is fire a few sperm into the vagina. Women house the place where a sperm penetrates an egg and creates a zygote — the beginnings of human life. Men have a penis and two balls that hold the ammo for the penis to squirt.
I Think I Should Get More Credit for Killing Hitler
I think I should get more credit for killing Hitler. And I know you’re thinking: “Who’s Hitler? I’ve never heard of a guy named Hitler.” But the only reason you’re saying that is because I went back in time and killed him.
Catching Up With 'Orange Is The New Black' Star Jermaine Fowler
We sent along some questions for Jermaine and he was nice enough to take a few minutes off from promoting the new season to send back some answers.
Night Night With Ron Funches
Who says a talk show needs to be an hour? That’s way too long. We’ve got everything you need, in less than five minutes.
Bigfoot's Line of Self-Help Books
He's big, he's hairy, and he's unlocking the keys to financial success.
Terry Richardson's Children's Book
Much like many celebrities these days, photographer Terry Richardson has published his own children's book.
Belle Banquets: Have Dinner With Any Person, Living Or Dead
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would you choose? Aristotle? Catherine the Great? Mahatma Ghandi?
Our “Our Philosophy Poster” Poster
Relax. Breathe in. See those three Vitamix blenders? They are state-of-the-art in healthfulness tech.
History's Dumbest Theories About The Moon
As long as there have been idiots, there have been idiot theories about the moon: what it’s made of, what exists on its surface, and who, if anyone, might live there. Here are some of our favorite theories of the moon over the ages. Read More →
"Where's Waldo Today?" With Tony Hale
In the years since his last book, Waldo has hit hard times. Find him - as he finds himself - with his latest pictorial.
Follow Us on the Internet
Conversations Throughout History
Best App of the Month: Uber For Dogs
Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download. [READ MORE]
bestieXBestie
Featuring Jenny Slate & Gabe Liedman
Here's Some Shit We Didn't Know What To Do With
Life Tips!
QUESTION:
Internet is out. How do I keep myself from going nuts?
ANSWER:
Have you tried using your iPhone, you big fat idiot?
Fun Things To Tell a Widow at a Funeral
- Well if I knew you were going to get in a tizzy about it, I wouldn't have eaten that Bomb Pop during the eulogy.
- I think you're wrong. He would have wanted me to wear shorts.
- I forgot my wallet, can you spot me a buck to put in the casket/jukebox?
- I've never felt so alive.
- Have a great summer.
Really Surprise Her Tonight
When you reach for a condom, tell her about how you cry when she goes to sleep because "this isn't how you planned it and the worst part is that it's nobody's fault." Bitches love that shit.
