The Vice Presidency has a rich and wonderful history. Actually, it doesn’t. The position is filled with no-named mediocrities who have achieved very little beyond being written about every once in a while by sixth graders and adult imbeciles.

With that said, all of the VPs have at least a few some interesting idiosyncrasies, some of which are to the right...

George Clinton

1805-1812

Loved keys!
Was a surgeon for two days before turning his back on it for good, claiming it was “gross”
His laugh was often confused for a crying baby
Frequently moved his bowels in the bubble bath
Was fond of wearing a decorative eye patch despite having no apparent eye maladies
Once fought off an unruly mob of orphans with a mop
Designed a flag for his state that contained two grizzlies devouring a beaver
Combed his hair with a Bible
Was violently opposed to wishing wells
A skilled debater, when running for the governorship of New York he once convinced a group of voters that he could transform into a giant leopard
Was thought to be narcoleptic, but was actually just super chill
Once wore ice skates for an entire year (1809)

Elbridge Gerry

1813-1814

Could fit his entire fist into his mouth, and occasionally even into the President’s
Was the first “Sovereign Grand Inspector General of the Ancient and Accepted Scottish Rite of Freemasonry in Kentucky,” a title he earned by picking words at random out of a dictionary
Face down, ass up. That’s the way Elbridge liked to fuck.
Supported hemp, probably. Legalize it!
Upon his death, was revealed to have been two midgets standing on each other’s shoulders and wearing a long coat
Claimed to have invented shaving
Would often stink up the President’s private restroom and blame it on Treasury Secretary Albert Gallatin

Daniel D. Tompkins

1817-1825

Once knighted a squirrel in the Oval Office
Known for always bringing his mother as a date
In 1819 went on a fishing trip with James Monroe that he would never shut up about
Didn't believe space was real
Lost part of his family fortune investing in boots for giraffes
Couldn't give a speech without mentioning that he once taught a puppy how to fire a rifle
Was excused from the house floor in 1823 for speaking in a language he made up while wearing a headband made of chicken beaks
Didn't understand why they couldn't make a prison for babies
Celebrated entering office by making love to a loaf of sourdough on top of the White House
Named one of his kidneys "Pablo" and claimed it had a human face
Ate a wheelbarrow of ice cream on every birthday

Martin Van Buren

1837-1841

Prayed to a wicker statue of himself
Heavily annoyed by rain, he'd often fire a gun into the clouds
Well known for speaking in dolphin noises when unsure of a question
Thought he was chosen by God for the job based on his pubic rash in the shape of a bald eagle
Air xylophone extraordinaire
Believed that every species had its own Jesus
Once rode a hot air balloon from Indianapolis to New Mexico territory just to call his ex a whore

George M. Dallas

1845-1849

The first vice president to choose Greco-style wrestling as his White House sport of choice
Had one slave solely reserved for “tickle fights”
Riding his horse to work each morning, and letting it shit in the halls of Congress, he’d think, “Y’know, public service ain’t so bad”
Deathly afraid of string
Ran an illegal bunny-for-meat mill in the White House backyard
Had two mulatto daughters, one named Salt, the other Pepper
Didn’t believe in contracts or official documents. All it took was a look in the eye and a solid handshake. Hence, the Mexican-American War of 1846
Once told Napoleon at a White House dinner: “You ain’t so short”

Millard FIllmore

1850-1853

Believed the earth was a parallelogram
Once held a four-hour press conference on the importance of owning a Slinky
Known for bragging about winning a game of Yahtzee while on fire
Ordained a bat in 1842 after drinking a fishbowl of moonshine
Got a kick out of cursing at owls
Had trouble entering a bakery without becoming fully aroused
Owned 12,000 tiny hats

John C. Brekenridge

1857-1861

According to legend, was not particularly interesting

Schuyler Colfax

1869-1873

A kind man, he was known to pull “cinnamon sweeties” from his beard, to give to “the kitties and lads”
Was married to a barrel of sorghum for a full year due to his extreme nearsightedness
Used to refer to Ulysses S. Grant as “Pop-Pop”
Often credited with inventing the stationary bicycle
Obsessively asked strangers to give him detailed accounts of their dreams
473,023 towns named after him exist in the state of Wisconsin alone
Refused to believe New Hampshire was not a country in France, despite having a summer home there
Is famous for his nine-hour filibuster where he simply repeated the word “doodlebug” over and over
Absolutely loved to jig
Never learned to work buttons
His mummified corpse was briefly on display in a South Bend, Indiana T.G.I.Friday’s, unbeknownst to the management, who thought it was a mannequin obtained at a rummage sale

William A. Wheeler

1877-1881

The great-great-great-great-great-great-great uncle of Honey Boo Boo Child
Was only responsible for one piece of legislation: It should henceforth be mandatory to wink after telling a saucy joke
After three snifters of whiskey, would begin to brag that he liked women’s privates “messy and zesty”
Was too busy looking for his name in Playbill to prevent Lincoln’s assassination
Had his wife knit special underwear that read “Second to One”
Coined and copyrighted the phrase: "Eatin' ain't cheatin'.” Died a rich man.

Thomas Hendricks

1885

Appointed District Attorney of Franklin County from 1846 to 1849. A position that had previously been held by a stack of old newspapers
Ate a pie on every single bridge across America!
Could only get it up in a wig
Was convinced all pears were Jewish
His favorite son was a porcelain doll
Kept an empty jar in his icebox labeled “monkey ghost”
It wasn't uncommon for him to show up at your doorstep with a bathtub of crab meat

Garret Hobart

1897-1899

Was the first person to ever laugh at someone riding one of those old-timey bicycles with the huge front wheel
Loved the britches. Big, small, black white, you name it. Bastard wore those britches out!
Was the inspiration for “Hobart Graham Swirl,” the worst-selling Ben & Jerry’s flavor of all time
Best-smelling Vice President (pre-Quayle)
On a dare, once touched ass cheeks with Chief Justice Melville Fuller
Developed sketches for an early prototype of the “Fleshlight”
Widely regarded as the “illest” Vice President
Proposed a Constitutional amendment banning the use of the phrase “to get one’s [blank] on"

Thomas R. Marshall

1913-1921

One of his feet was made entirely of cork
Had a habit of gently licking his wrist when nervous
Well known for his keen wit, one of Marshall's most memorable jokes contained the punch line, “And the cow simply said, ‘Randy did it.’”
Is rumored to be the inspiration for the Bob Seger rock-and-roll song, “Turn The Page”
In 1922 Marshallthought he’d killed a man for trespassing, but quickly realized he’d attacked a mirror with his bare hands. He received more than two hundred stitches.
He trained his beloved dog “Mama” to catch shrimp!
Once told a reporter that he would rather bunk with Hitler than go within thirty feet of his wife's meatloaf
Loved the freedom of wearing a tube top around the house
Is the purported great-great-grandfather of bounty hunter, Duane Lee "Dog" Chapman
Spent four days in jail in his early 20s for urinating on Chester A. Arthur from a hot air balloon
Loathed the sound of bells
Wrote a bill proposing that all dogs go to Heaven
One of his favorite party gags to perform was an X-rated stunt called, “Banana Slug Goes A-Dancin’”
Never completely mastered skipping
Froze to death after wandering away from publicity tour of a Boys Town ranch

Charles Curtis

1929-1933

Insisted on taking President’s Day off
To earn extra dough, worked nights as a bartender at Georgetown University’s Der Rathskeller
Would passive-aggressively refer to everyone but the President as “chief”
Lived like a loser on the White House couch years after leaving office
Nicknamed “Fat Fuck Phoenix” by the Secret Service

John Nance Garner

1933-1941

Known as the “Cargo Shorts Veep”
Would frequently entertain White House guests with his renowned blackface performance of “My Funny Valentine”
Married a woman who had opposed him in an election for county judge. The two were later played by Justin Long and Rashida Jones in the successful rom-com adaptation, Holding Court
Duties included holding FDR’s hair back on those nights when the President had one too many pitchers of gin sours
As President of the Senate, often cast his tiebreaking vote for “burritos” when voting on the chamber’s lunch order
Scandalized when D.C. gossip papers printed photos of him nude arm wrestling with Eleanor Roosevelt

Alben W. Barkley

1949-1953

His motto was, "If there's way to carry a few items in a satchel that attaches around the waist and hangs above the buttocks, I WILL find it!"
Laid the cornerstone for the country’s first Friendly’s ice-cream parlor
Often wore a corset to hide what he called his "meaty bubbles"
Stumped his way across the entire state of Alaska, often talking to no one but a few birds and logs
Never once used a plate
Favorite foods were popcorn and noodles
Ran terrified from a screening of The Wizard of Oz
The "Rachel" haircut from Friends was based on the hairstyle he wore in his later years
Pleaded on his deathbed to have a sandwich named after him

Spiro Agnew

1969-1973

His official museum is located in the back of a Potomac, Maryland Piggly Wiggly’s
In 1972, eschewed the campaign bus for a used Chevrolet Nova
Was the inspiration for the mega 1976 Heart hit, “Magic Man”
Insisted on greeting visiting dignitaries while seated in a giant beanbag chair
Whenever pulled over for speeding, would “accidentally” pull out his official Vice President’s License
Adopted a troubled Russian boy that he later just left behind while on a Moscow diplomatic mission
Famous for his 1971 White House toast in which he wore black socks and a tank top, speaking only in tongues

Illustrations by Adrian Walsh

This article was originally published October 2012