As long as there have been idiots, there have been idiot theories about the moon: what it’s made of, what exists on its surface, and who, if anyone, might live there. Here are some of our favorite theories of the moon over the ages.
Albino Stingray Moon - 400 A.D.
A group of nomadic tribes on the island of Papua New Guinea were convinced the moon was an active mass of albino stingrays. As the story goes, an albino stingray was found on the ground one day during a full moon, and this one guy, Alvin, said that it must have fallen from the moon, and everyone just kind of went with it. Historians believe Alvin was the member of the tribe who would test mushrooms to see if they were okay to eat.
Forest Moon - 1780 A.D.
Celebrated amateur astronomer William Herschel used his homemade telescopes to discover the planet Uranus and thousands of binary star systems. Hershel was also able to observe the most detailed views of the moon in human history, and concluded the moon was covered in vast forests of trees, which is really dumb. Upon hearing this theory, the Royal Society of London went outside to double check that whole Uranus thing.
Moon Blankets - 1840 A.D.
As pioneers crossed the Great Plains along the Oregon Trail, many scientists were amongst them, and had unprecedented, clear views of the night sky. From there they believed the moon was covered in blankets. Aliens would picnic on the moon, romantically stare up at the Earth, and smooch tentacles. Historians believe these “scientists" were probably cold, ridden with typhoid fever, and were testing out any new mushrooms they came across.
Hollow Spacecraft Moon - 1893 A.D.
After the Industrial Revolution, many thought that the moon was actually a giant hollow spacecraft. Star Wars is actually a satire making fun of all those idiots.
Cigar Moon - 1919 A.D.
A bunch of smoking ding dongs also thought the moon was covered in cigars and cigar ash. Cigars are so good they had to have come from a place not on this Earth, they would say with smoke coming out of their mouths at the dinner table. This way of thinking was so popular, in fact, it is why to this very day rich idiots call cigars “Moon’s gift to man.”
Moon of Ants - 1930 A.D.
As entomological studies increased, experts began to understand that ants could live in nearly every type of environment. So why not the moon? The large craters could be nothing more than colonies run amuck, right? Bug nerds from across the world hoped it to be true, but it’s not.
The Spilled Milkshake Moon - 1955 A.D.
As milkshakes grew in popularity, so too did the theory that milkshakes were the reason the moon was two shades of vanilla and chocolate. After the owner of a soda shoppe presented his thoughts to the Royal Society, he was immediately shot. The shooter turned out to be an extremist Cigar Mooner, attempting to quell the growing Milkshake Movement.
Moon of Melted City Snow - 1968 A.D.
Astronaut Neil Armstrong was personally convinced that the moon was made of a mix of white snow and a shitty, dark, city snow that is half-melted, full of trash and suspicious-looking dirt. He held onto the City Snow Theory until he took his first step on the moon. Disappointed, Armstrong begrudgingly said, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” instead of his originally planned phrase, “I fuckin’ knew it was snow!”
