The Gauntlet: 50 Questions with James Adomian

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IN LIEU OF A REAL INTERVIEW, WE SENT 50 QUESTIONS TO JAMES ADOMIAN AND TOLD HIM TO ANSWER AS MANY AS HE COULD AND THAT REGARDLESS OF HOW FAR HE GOT, WE'D PUBLISH ALL OF THEM.

 
 

Shall we begin?

At your own peril.


So you have a show you’re developing?

Somebody reads the trades!


How would you rate it on a scale of 1 to The Big Bang Theory?

60 Minutes.


Has your opinion on kissing changed over your lifetime?

My views on kissing are evolving, yes. I used to favor a sharp tongue but now I’ve crossed the aisle over to the loose lips.


Who would you like to kiss without their consent?

Nobody, sorry, my rape fantasies involve me as the passive partner.


What are you cooking back there?

That’s burnt pizza crust in the bottom of the oven. Almost ready.


When would you use the phrase “My baby’s got sauce”?

Under duress.


What’s your favorite type of music invented by black people?

I am extremely racist.


What’s your favorite type of music invented by white people?

Hip-hop, R&B, rock & roll.


White people: Who needs them any more?

Get off of Tumblr before it’s too late.


Were you ever tempted to part your hair differently?

Get thee behind me, Satan!


Have you ever worn a unitard and for what?

A Freddie Mercury impression at UCB! Pictured here with Billy Joel (Michael Cassady), Cyndi Lauper (Andree Vermeulen), and Tom Waits (Scott Rodgers).


If you had a two-dollar bill what would you do with it? 

Keep it in my wallet as a sacred lucky charm for about a month, then spend it on booze.


Describe how you would build a house in six words.

I would need some building materials.


Describe six words or less.

Hyperhaiku.


What would you throw into the fireplace while no one’s looking?  

My NSA “political dissident” file! 


You casually mention The Beatles to someone and they say they don’t know who they are. How do you respond?

I take that as the signal to exchange the microfiche.


Thoughts on gay marriage?

Not thoughts so much as brute lust.


Thoughts on Ray marriage?

Hey now!


If Ray Charles were still alive, do you think he’d be married to all those Pepsi dancers by now?

That’s what heaven is for.


So this month’s theme on the site is “Fancy.” Mind if we dive into that?

Color me dapper.


What’s your favorite type of tuxedo to wear?

Cheap, used, vaudeville-esque.


Fuck Marry Kill: a monocle, a stack of $100 bills, elbow patches.

I would keep them all as lovers on the side.


How much money do you currently have on you?

Ten thousand Swiss francs — you know, swissin’-around money.


Can we have some?

Put this on red. Two spins. Walk out with what you get.


What’s the biggest room you’ve ever been in?

Narnia.


You’ve got a knack for celebrity impressions. Who’s your favorite?

Kathleen Turner.


Can you do an impression for us right now?

Mmm ... Slow down, champ. You just gonna run up the stairs like that on a Thursday? *Puff*


Seriously, can you record it on your phone and send us the file? We’ll put it right here.

Jesus now there’s homework. Attached.

 

We love the fact that you do a lot of characters — ever watch TBS?

Not since the days of NWA wrestling on the Superstation!

 

That last one was a trick question. And to clarify this is not a question. Don’t answer this one. Just listen for a sec.

Adversarial comedy journalism. Touché.

 

Which fictional character would you welcome into your home?

Dilbert.

 

Which fictional character would you turn a hose on if you saw them anywhere near your home?

Megavolt!

 

You do a great impression of Jesse Ventura, host of Conspiracy Theory. Are there any conspiracy theories that you believe in?

“Conspiracy theory” is an insulting and ignorant term.

 

Do you believe in aliens?

We are aliens.

 

Yo ... you smoke trees?

I puff on pines.

 

How many more answers do you have? 

Good thing you’re not on the top of the mountain with the Zen master.

 

Real quick: What’s your favorite state?

Wakefulness.

 

Any speed you want: What’s your favorite city?

Lancaster, California.

 

Complete the beef slogan: “Beef: ___ _____ ____ _____”

“Something else goes here.”

 

What’s the best and worst part of having a mustache?

The tickle.

 

What kind of person puts stickers all over their laptop? 

A hippie without a car.

 

What’s your favorite movie scene?

When the horse dies in The Neverending Story. It’s my yoga.

 

What do you think of the phrase “spoiler alert”? 

Buncha narcs.

 

Are you currently avoiding any spoilers?

No, I call them shortcuts.

 

What was the first CD you ever bought?

Jerky Boys 2.

 

What was the first Cranberries CD you ever bought? 

They offered a nice two-year certificate of deposit I jumped in on.

 

What’s your most recent regret?

All those murders. Well, most of them.

 

You just landed on the moon, what do you say? 

Oxygennnn!!!!

 

Describe a situation that ends with you spitting on someone.

Second base.

 

Who’s going to win it all this year?  

Entropy, known to us as Death.

 
 

Photography by Mandee Johnson and Rebecca Adler

 

READ MORE Gauntlet: 50 Questions:

Sex Advice From An Uncomfortable Guy Who's Afraid Of Sex And Blows It Every Time

 

Hi! I'm Dr. Sex Man

I've been provided a column to answer all of your, ah, your sex questions, which I'm really excited to do. If you have a, you know, a sex question, feel free to email me at drsexman@funnyordie.com. I'm here to help!

 
 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man, 

My girlfriend wants me to rub her chest but doesn't want me to touch her nipples. Is this weird? 

- Nipless in Nebraska

 

Wow, okay, I guess we’re jumping right in to nipples. Well, first off, that’s awesome that you have a girlfriend. That probably means you can kiss her all the time and she won’t get mad, unless she's in a meeting or something. Also I imagine you guys get to do a lot of activities together that aren’t even sexual. Just, like, spend time together. That’s great.

Full disclosure: the last time a woman told me she wanted me to touch her chest I kind of freaked out and said, “Okay, let me wash my hands first because I was eating a lot of peanut butter earlier, and I don’t want to get any on your tix.” 

I blew it in a lot of ways there. First, don’t go wash your hands unless you know they are covered in a bad disease. Second, don’t even bring up peanut butter if you know what’s good for you, and third, don’t call tits ‘tix.’ They won’t like it. Also don’t call them ‘Brauts.' I know that kind of sounds like breasts but it’s really more like a sausage, which is another word for, you know, your um, your penis. 

So there you are, rubbing her chest, with desire and permission and everything, which is great, but she doesn’t want you to touch her nipples. I don’t know, that’s pretty standard for me, especially since my hands are often covered in peanut butter or worm guts (I fish).

If your hands are free of nut butters and she’s still not into it, have you asked her why yet? Maybe if it hurts her or something (I know my nipples hurt a lot, but that’s from my work pals giving me twisters whenever I jam the puzzle cutter) you could try coming at the nipples from a different angle. Try pushing them in like an elevator button, even say something dirty like “69th floor, please.” Oh! Maybe try throwing some thick leather gloves on and then touching the nipples. That’s all I got. I hope you don’t blow this. 

 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man,

I’m a woman who is uncertain how to move when I am on top. Do you have technique advice? 

- Straddling in St. Louis

 

Oh my God. First off, it’s awesome that you would even email me. I can’t believe this. This is great. Okay, let’s jump in, sorry. So, when you are on top, you say? So that means you’re already having sex. That’s juicy stuff. 

So there you are, having sex, on top of a guy, and you’re probably naked, and that’s, you know, that’s great. But now you’re wondering how to move around up there. Well, this one time I had sex once, and I was on top. I would get tired and fall across the body of the woman I was plowing love into. I got a cramp and, trying to get off, dug my elbows into her rib cage, which made her scream in pain. I thought that was an orgasm, so then I orgasmed, and then it was over. I blew it big time there. Just don’t do that.

I think as long as you’re not flailing your arms all over the place and sticking your fingers in his nose, you should be okay. Another thing to avoid is holding your stomach and saying, “Too much soup.” I learned that the hard way. 

 
 
 

Dear Dr. Sex Man,

How can I tell that my girlfriend really had an orgasm during sex? 

- Anxious in Arkansas

 

MAN, I wish you didn't ask this, because I really blew this one recently. I had, you know, sex, I think, and I finished fast and got worried she didn't, um, orgasm, so I accidentally yelled "ORGASM, YOU DID?" right in her ear, in a shrill Yoda voice. Then I started sneezing, and I couldn't stop. I sneezed all over her until she left. Then I cried a lot. 

So I think just live life hoping she did, because there's too much room to blow it. 

 
 
 

The Police Report That Inspired ‘Clue’

 

It's a little known fact, but the famous murder-mystery game, Clue, was inspired by real events. Below is the police report from that fateful night.

 
 
 
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POLICE REPORT

JUNE 09, 1954

ELLINGTON POLICE DEPARTMENT

LOCATION: BODDY MANSION OFF ROUTE 41

OFFICERS ON DUTY: OFFICER MICHAEL SHIFF, OFFICER GEORGE

9:37 p.m. - Officer George and I were clanking our police batons on the jail-cell bars when Ellington station received an emergency call from the Boddy Mansion. There was a quick male cry of “Hel-“ and then the phone cut off. Since there’s no Helen in the office, we figured he must have said “Hello” or “Help.” Either way we were bored so went to go check it out because we’d heard great things about Mr. Boddy’s billiard room.

10:15 p.m. - We arrive at the mansion. It is only one floor and has no roof, which seems strange but, hey, who are we to knock mansion construction?

10:20 p.m. - We knock on the door. It was answered by a Professor Plum. Inside stood five other people. All of them had names that had to do with some sort of color, except Mrs. Peacock, who was simply a Jew.

10:30 p.m - The group led us to the lounge, where, laying on the sofa, was the body of Boddy. It was dark so we couldn’t tell how he died. Boddy’s body had obviously been moved as well. So we needed to figure out who killed the guy, in what room, and with what weapon. It may take all night. Good thing we brought a sack of cheeseburgers.

10:40 p.m. - Based on the holes in the body, Officer George and I, the experts that we are, narrowed the cause of death down to either rope, dagger, revolver, candlestick, wrench, or lead pipe. We ruled out belt, kitchen knives, pots, pans, a sharp chair, a pillow, poison, burning fire log, lamp, umbrella, heavy boot, sofa, bed post, a 24-pack of crayons, a telephone, a huge ax, bare hands, and a big thick nail.

10:47 p.m. - Officer George thinks the corpse's holes look like rope holes, but I think they look like candlestick holes. What we both agreed on was that Miss Scarlett was pretty and kind of a bitch. We liked that.

10:55 p.m. - Everyone started making accusations. It was getting out of hand, so we decided to institute some rules: You could only accuse someone in the room where they thought the murder happened. The problem then was we were all in different rooms yelling stuff.

11:03 p.m. - I put a candle in one of Boddy’s body holes, lit it, and said, “Hey look, human candle.” Everyone laughed at that really hard. We had a good time.

11:07 p.m. - This guy named Mustard says he knows who did it and he was ready to make a formal accusation. He says it was the bitch (Miss Scarlett) in the billiard room with the candlestick. He picked up a manila envelope, looked inside, and said that he was right.

11:09 p.m. - All the info we needed was in the manila envelope, apparently. There was a picture of Miss Scarlett, a picture of a candlestick, and a picture of a billiard room — utterly damning evidence. Scarlett crumbled to the ground, knowing she’d been caught. She admitted the whole thing.

11:15 p.m. - We booked her, threw her in the back of the squad car, and threw the body in the garbage. Then we realized we needed that body, so we threw that in the back of the squad car, too. Then we drove back to the station. On the way we all came up with a great board game idea: You put these boats all over a map, then someone guesses where they are with pegs. You’re trying to “sink” the boats. We’re calling it BattlePegs, and we’re all pretty excited about it.   

 

The Nautical Kama Sutra: Sex Positions for the Boating Enthusiast

 

Whether you’re the proud new owner of a sunfish or a 300-foot yacht, there’s no denying that your sex life is about to hit the open sea and it’s all hands on deck. So set sail: below are steamy instructions and illustrations for you to navigate all the mind-blowing, orgasmic waters of your new life. 

 
 
 
 
 

The King of the World

Perch on the mast of the ship, raise your partner's arms triumphantly and insert yourself while imagining you are a big man with money like Leo DiCaprio.

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School a Fish

Have sex with your partner in your boat while a less-experienced fish watches and takes notes.

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The Jet Slut

Locate your jet ski's vagina. Penetrate as parasailor films from above. 

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The Poop Deck 

(censored)

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The Jib Job 

The "jib" is the small triangular sail extending from the head of the foremast. Suck on that. 

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Dry Dock

Two sexy boats have sex on the beach.

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The U-Boat Surprise 

Two boats fuck at the surface. Unbeknownst to them, a German u-boat approaches from underwater, penetrating both boats’ assholes.

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The Staten Island Ferry

Two boats slowly make love while a resident of Staten Island uncomfortably commutes home from work. Happens every half hour on the half hour.

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Noah's Arking

Two small boats have sex aboard one larger boat (ideally also filled with 2 of every known animal species).

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The Moby Tryst

A BBW threesome: two boats, one whale.  A whale fucks a boat while a boat fucks its blowhole. 

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Illustration & Animation by Natasha Fedorova

 

Best App of the Month: Uber For Dogs

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 
 

About The App: Uber Dog

An entirely new way to travel, Uber Dog finds nearby dogs to give you a ride to your destination. It’s available in most major cities and has three levels, depending on how premium of a service you’re willing to pony up for: Bad Dog X, Good Boy, and Big Dog. We recommend shelling out for the Big Dog, who’s guaranteed to be a sizable pup who’ll carry you in its mouth. 

New functionality lets you easily set pick-up location by informing you what type of bacon to leave out on your front step. 

 
 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

Select your level of dog and request a pick up. If you’re not satisfied with your driver, hit the “No!” button to return to the main menu. 

 
 

Reviews From The App Store:

JohnnyBakes ★★★☆☆

Cool app, wish it were better

This seemed like a great idea in theory. And I thought I’d be a big fan, as I absolutely adore the film ‘Hotel For Dogs.’ But it’s almost like they didn’t do ANY product testing. The first dog I ordered just ran into my house and hid under my bed for 3 hours. The second dog I ordered showed up on time, but didn’t know where he was going and despite me showing him repeatedly on my phone’s Google Maps, he brought me to his owner’s house, which was like 5 miles away. That said, I got to ride a doggy.


HeyKatieHeyyy ★☆☆☆☆

Bad app!

My dog stopped to take a shit every 5 minutes. WTF??? How u gonna give me a diarrhea dog?


JKSweets ★★☆☆☆

WATCH OUT 4 PRICE SURGING!!!!!

I love this app so much because I love dogs but don’t want the responsibility of owning one. Too needy and are always wanting stuff. At first all the dogs that picked me up were cool and let me ride them. Then they stopped being cool. On New Year’s Eve, no dogs wanted to pick me up and when one finally did, IT RAISED THE PRICES SO MUCH!!!! I had to pay 3x as much to ride a dog to my party.    


ComeOnRideTheChrisBruss ★★★★★

Bout time!

Much better and cheaper alternative to the over-priced Uber Horse


PoppaBear23 ★★★★☆

Not what I expected

My dog actually showed up driving a car and said “Get in. There’s no time to explain.” I didn’t ask any questions and he didn’t explain, which was fair given the disclaimer. But I got to where I needed and there were even a few bottles of water and a pack of Mentos in the back. Can’t complain. 

 
 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

How to Pleasure Yourself Like a Gentleman

 

When making love to a woman, it is important to behave like a gentleman. The same rules apply when making love to yourself.

 
 
 
 

Take it Slow

A gentleman mustn’t rush right into sex with himself, as this would be brutish and uncouth. A gentleman must first woo his penis.

 

Display Common Courtesy

Politeness is key. A gentleman always tips his hat before lowering his pants. 

 

Avoid Discussing Politics or Religion

Your penis may be standing erect, but you don’t know where it stands on the issues, so keep the conversation light.

 

Be Attentive

Ask your penis, “How was your day?” If it responds, “Hard,” be sure to laugh, as your penis has just made a funny joke.

 

Call Your Father and Ask for His Blessing

A gentleman always asks his penis’s father’s permission before pleasuring himself. This should be easy since your penis’s father is also your father, so you probably have his number. 

 

Use a Gentle Touch

A gentleman is never rough with his penis. A gentleman is firm yet tender, and always puts his penis’s needs before his own. Never bend or break your penis.

 

Display Old-Fashioned Chivalry

When pleasuring yourself on a sidewalk or by the side of the road, be sure your penis is furthest away from traffic. This makes the penis feel protected, and reduces your risk of being hassled by the 5-0. 

 

Never Let Another Man Touch Your Penis

Your penis belongs to you and you alone. If another man tries to seduce your penis, you must defend its honor. If it comes to fisticuffs, be sure to tuck your penis between your legs where it will be safe.  

 

Never Let a Woman Touch Your Penis

A gentleman finds women confusing and scary, and therefore, highly uncouth. If a woman attempts to besmirch your penis’s good name by placing her hands on it, scream, “No!” and run away as fast as you can (being careful not to alert the 5-0, because of your priors). 

 

Never Let a Cop Near Your Penis

A gentleman will often find himself nude on the side of the road being tased by the pigs for resisting arrest. In this situation, a gentleman must never allow himself to be tased directly on the penis or ballsac. Not only is it highly improper, it hurts real bad. A gentleman should instead raise his nude buttocks skyward, so that they absorb the brunt of the tasing, and cry until the pigs feel sorry for him.

 

Your Penis Is Too Pretty for Jail

It is imperative that a gentleman do all he can to keep his beautiful penis out of prison (a very uncouth place indeed), even if it means slicin’ up some Bacon, if you catch this gentleman’s drift. Oink, OINK, motherfuckers.

 

Always Be Polite While on the Run in Mexico

After knifing those piggies and makin’ ’em squeal real good, a gentleman will want to hot-wire their squad car and make a speedy getaway. Opening the door for his penis first, a gentleman should gun it, blowing all red lights, until he reaches sweet freedom in Mexico. Upon beginning your new life as a gringo fugitive, you’ll want to start pleasuring yourself again right away. It is important to remember that adapting to a new language in a foreign land is no excuse for behaving like anything less than a gentleman. When screaming in Español at the local boy you pay to keep an eye out for the Donut Patrol while you pleasure yourself on a Mexican back road, be sure to mind your manners:

Incorrect:  “¡Oye chico, gritar si ves a la policía!”  (“Hey kid, holler if you see the 5-0!”)

Correct: “¡Oye chico, por favor, gritar si ves a la policía. Gracias!”  (“Hey kid, please holler if you see the 5-0. Thank you!”) 

 

Make an Honest Penis of Your Penis

By now, you and your penis have been through a great deal together, and it’s time to make things official. That’s right, it’s time for you and your penis to be married. Keeping an eye out for roving members of La Nuestra Familia, a prominent gang at the Mexican prison where you are currently incarcerated, get down on one knee, take your penis in hand, look directly into its eye, and ask it, “Will you marry me?”. If your penis says, “I will,” you may then go to the warden with the good news and begin making arrangements for your gala prison wedding. If your penis says nothing, however, the answer, sadly, is no. A gentleman must respect his penis’s wishes, whatever they may be. 

 
 

So there you have it! Follow these steps and before you know it, you too can be crouched on the floor of a Mexican prison cell, proposing to your own penis like a true gentleman.

 

LEARN MORE ABOUT BEING A GENTLEMAN:

 

A Gentleman’s Guide To Murdering Another Gentleman

 
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When inviting another gentleman to your country club, it is imperative
to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when
inviting him to meet his maker. 

 
 
  1. Have your secretaries set up a round of golf at your country club, and politely inform the gentleman of his impending murder. 
  2. Let the country club know of your plans to murder a guest, and request that the standard, brand-name burying tools be reserved for your use. 
  3. Meet the gentleman at the practice green. Shake hands and let him know your decision to murder him was difficult and unfortunate.
  4. On the 4th hole, casually inform the man that he shall be murdered on the back nine in case he has any business transactions to complete or family to notify.
  5. On the back nine, keep an eye out for a quiet, pleasant area to kill the gentleman. Avoid sand bunkers so as not to get sand all over the grass and create more work for club staff.  
  6. Having settled on an appropriate location, find a treed area to change into your killing clothes. Allow the victim to change into his victim clothes that you have provided. 
  7. Allow golfers behind you to play through. 
  8. Cover the grass in a sheet or tarp so as to avoid grass stains. 
  9. You are now ready to murder. Approach the man, bow, and say, “May you either dance in the fields of Heaven or find comforting warmth in the fires of Hell."  
  10. If there are any golfers behind you, allow them to play through.  
  11. With the coast clear, or at least manageable, grab your victim's neck, with the pinkies thrust outward. Squeeze. Squeeze until you feel the rush of love and anger and confusion and fear drain out of him, and his body is nothing more than an finely-dressed, empty vessel.  
  12. Light a cigarette. Take a long, deep drag. Stare at the gentleman’s lifeless face. Take out your phone, make the call, and say, "It's done." 
  13. Extinguish the cigarette and dispose of it into a nearby receptacle. Wrap the body in the blanket that was on the ground. Take out the burying tools from your cart.  
  14. Allow any waiting members to play through.  
  15. Having ensured the burying spot is not in the fairway or green, dig a hole, taking breaks every ten minutes to reduce the presence of sweat. 
  16. Pull the body into the hole. So as to alleviate the smell of decomposition, drizzle a solution of herbs and scented oils onto carcass. 
  17. Fill hole with dirt and replace divot.  
  18. Change back into club-appropriate attire and finish your round of golf. Remember not to let the possible stress of killing another human being affect your handicap.

 

LEARN MORE ABOUT BEING A GENTLEMAN:

 

The Guidelines for Next Year’s “Eyes Wide Shut” Fuck Party

 

From: Sam Nesbit <themaskedsam@gmail.com>

To: Sam Nesbit <themaskedsam@gmail.com>

Subject: Great party last night!!!!

 

 

Hey guys! 

 

First of all, thank you to everyone who came to my Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party last night! It was a great party because you all were there! 

 

Secondly, you guys really looked like you were having fun, which is something I care about as the host of an Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party. I noticed a few you of you in the foyer fucking a ton which was great to see. And even though I thought I’d closed off my master bedroom, I can’t really be upset knowing no less than 20 of you just went to town in there. 

 

It should go without saying that I can’t wait for round two (though hopefully someone else can host, while I handle logistics). I’ve already booked a new blindfolded piano player after what happened with Pietro this year. As you can guess, he won’t be coming back after one of you removed his blindfold and was shocked to discover he was the musical accompaniment to a 40 person orgy (great turnout, everyone!). 

 

As I stressed in my Evite, secrecy is the key to throwing a successful Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party. It’s all part of the experience. We all wear masks to protect our identities during the event, much like Tom Cruise did when he went to the fuck party that inspired our own. 

 

Anyway, while I’ve got you, here are a few more things in regard to next year’s Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party, which I’m sure is going to be even better than this year’s!

 

1. Please do not ignore the passwords. They exist for a reason. Since only Randy (I believe it was Randy?) and I said “Kcirbuk” (our visionary’s name backwards) upon entering, I do not know if it were my friends or complete strangers engaging in unadulterated, sweaty sexual intercourse in my home. In fact, most of you just handed your coat to the man I hired to guard the door. Chalk it up to a miscommunication, I guess. My bad as host!

2. Nobody ate any of the deviled eggs that I’d spent hours preparing. Instead many of you chose to fuck on them. While I love that you guys were really going at it, they were delicious and I may be biased, but I really feel like you all missed out by not indulging in them. A fuck party is the time to let go of inhibitions, so have that extra snack. 

3. It is customary that at an Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party, the organizer is the master and not to be ignored. Nobody followed any of my instructions or Latin chants, though I was happy that everyone still had a pleasant and liberating time. Again, sweet fuck party, everyone! We really did it!

4. It is also customary that the master have free reign to have sex with any woman he chooses. In fact, this is the most important part of the party, a detail all the women in attendance ignored. Perhaps you were intimidated by my authority, but trust that I was available to take part in any and all sexual activities. 

5. An Eyes Wide Shut Fuck Party is meant to be a classy event, much like it was in the Tom Cruise film, Eyes Wide Shut. While I do not expect everyone to stay clothed throughout the night, please note the following dress code: 

  • Men: Tuxedo, with cape
  • Women: Sequined thong, with cape

6. Note that the following items, all of which were worn last night, are forbidden:

  • Corduroy pants
  • Bolo ties
  • A t-shirt that says “The Man, The Legend” with an arrow pointing at your face and another pointing at your crotch, respectively 
  • Did one of you wear a Best Buy uniform?

7. Please do not ignore the safe words. As you may recall, one of the larger men in attendance (Randy?) cornered me, bent me over his lap, removed my mask, and began spanking me in front of everyone despite the fact that I was screaming “Red Rubber Ball,” the agreed upon code. 

8. The point of the safe word is to cease the action immediately. It DOES NOT mean “lock the person who said it in the soundproof panic room he had built in case of emergency and continue to spank him."

9. Everyone should know the keycode to the panic room in advance. In case it ever comes up, it's "T0mCruiseN00d." 

10. If anyone is still at my house, please let me out of this panic room. I am in here with nothing but my cell phone and possibly Randy, who passed out from exhaustion only 20 minutes ago. I refuse to remove his mask, as I would be nothing but a hypocrite if I did. 

11. Just remember to have fun. In secret, of course!

 
 

MORPHS: Here’s What The Wealthiest People In The World Looked Like When They Were Young

 

The appearances of the world's richest people are locked into our minds, as they, themselves, became synonymous with wealth. But what did they look like when they were just fresh faces, before they even had bank accounts?

Slide the pegs below to watch the wealthy become younger.

 
 
 

Warren Buffett

Net Worth: ~47 Billion

 
 

Beyonce

Net Worth: ~850 Million

 
 

Bill Gates

Net Worth: ~76 Billion Dollars

 
 

Donald Trump

Net Worth: ~2.9 Billion

 
 

Richard Branson

Net Worth: ~4.6 Billion

 
 

Tiger Woods

Net Worth: ~500 Million

 
 

George Lucas

Net Worth: ~7.3 Billion 

 
 

Michael Bloomberg

Net Worth: ~33 Billion

 
 

Oprah

Net Worth: ~2.9 Billion

 
 

Mark Zuckerberg

Net Worth: ~29.7 Billion

 
 

SEE MORE MORPHS:

Welcome To The Occasional

 
W

elcome to The Occasional, Funny Or Die’s digital humor magazine. We’re very excited to have you here as we transition our sporadic iOS publication to a regularly updated website. Though let’s drop the word “magazine.” It’s become an outdated word, used only by those unable to move on from the past. Let’s call ourselves a “journal.” 

 

Before I dive into what’s going to fill the pages of this journal, I have a quick story I would like to tell — one that my father used to tell me as a boy. 

 

He was living in Florence at the time, studying medicine. It was the late ’60s, and while the rest of his generation was succumbing to the hippie culture and the hedonism of the era, he was overseas preparing for the future. Which meant working his tail off to become the best goddamn doctor he could, and would, become. On a perfect spring afternoon, he found himself walking the streets and seeing the sites he’d taken for granted while his head was buried in textbooks. The Uffizi, The Duomo, and L’Accademia, home of the David. 

 

After taking in Michelangelo’s masterpiece, he found himself in a public restroom. As my father stepped out of the stall, the door swung open and a man entered and headed toward the urinal. But the man mistimed the unzipping of his pants, leaving him a full six-feet away from the urinal with his penis already hanging out. He quickly realized he wasn’t alone in the bathroom and had to act like it was normal and that he intended to begin the unzipping process from that distance. Then he calmly sidled up to the urinal and relieved himself.

 

On his way out, he caught eyes with my father — frozen by what he’d just witnessed — and mouthed something in Italian: “Tu sei un volto ora ho visto,” which translates to, “You are a face I have now seen.” 

 

My father told me this story on my Bar Mitzvah. Just to me. Right before I read from the Torah.

 

I took the story to heart. And it’s moments like my father’s experience that will guide The Occasional as we create whatever this former digital magazine-turned-journal ultimately becomes. In this life, sometimes you’ll take your penis out before you should. But that’s okay as long as you play it cool and act like you meant to do so. It’s what you do with it once it’s out that’s important. And in our case, our penis is humorous articles, videos, interactive features, and spotlights on your favorite comedians and writers. Maybe we’ll take it out at just the right time, maybe not. But that’s part of the fun: the suspense.

 

Our goal is to try to raise bar for internet comedy with high-brow humor. This site will be a curated, lean-back experience that’s not afraid to experiment. Not every written piece of comedy on the internet needs to be in list form. Not everything needs to be a quiz. No pandering. No cheap laughs. 

 

You will never see us go for the easy joke. 

 

And if we do, trust us that we’ll hoist it back in our pants and carry on. It’s what my father and that sage Italian man would have wanted.

 

Yours Forever, 

Dan Abramson

Italian Culture Expert