Hey America! It's Rick Santorum, your next President. Not only do I know how to capture the hearts of conservatives, but I know how to capture the heart of my wife. How you ask? By making sure she's satisfied in all parts of her life, especially the bedroom. So if you want to please your best gal, just follow these easy steps on your special night.
- Wait for her to finish whatever women do in the bathroom with the door locked for an hour and a half.
- Ask why her mascara is smeared. Women love to be asked questions.
- Put on your favorite scene from Deliverance to set the mood.
- Insist that she take a shower before any physical contact is made.
- After she showers and reapplies her makeup, tell her to lay flat on the bed and not move or look you directly in the eye.
- Begin pumping until a baby is growing in her womb.
- If you're having trouble reaching orgasm, tell your wife to leave the room and continue watching Deliverance.
- Retire to your separate beds.
- Wake up the next day and continue fighting for justice.
This article was originally published March 2012