The Five Year engagement

When you get into a relationship with someone, make sure it’s somebody who allows you to grow and accomplish the things you want to accomplish, and that you allow them the same. The strongest relationships are the ones that allow each individual to become the best they can be.
Don’t leave a loaded crossbow in the kitchen.

The Hunger Games

Don’t run for the major weapons right in the beginning of the match. It’s a fucking bloodbath.
When in a contest to the death in a giant booby-trapped field controlled by the Capitol as a way to subjugate the districts, remember to hydrate.
Be really really great at bow and arrow.
Purple hair & weird curvy beards are all the rage in the future. (I know it’s not the future. I know it’s a different planet. Don’t be a nerd. SEE: Bully.)

Don’t be a nerd so you won’t get bullied. Didn’t watch it, but pretty sure that’s the message.

Don’t get Bruce Banner angry. You won’t like him blah blah blah I’ll go fuck myself now.
Bruce Banner always refers to The Hulk as “the other guy.” This is good strategy in real life. Someone cut in front of you in line at Starbucks? Just say “It’s fine with me, but (pointing creepily at your own head) the other guy really doesn’t like this.” They’ll move to the end of the line.
When fighting an intergalactic army of flying space serpents and skull zombies, you don’t need the bow & arrow guy on your team. It’s like trying to kill a bear with a tooth pick. Or like trying to defeat an intergalactic army of flying space serpents and skull zombies with a slightly big toothpick. Hawkeye’s specialty is a weapon that can fire one shot at a time, is cumbersome to reload, and is useless against armor of any sort. Also, you can only ever carry about 15 “bullets.” Maybe he should watch this one from home. The SHIELD guy should bring Hawkeye into his office. “Hey, you’re great, but we already have the guy who turns into a rage-monster, the genetically enhanced super soldier who defeated the Nazis, the billionaire in an indestructible mech suit, and a fucking demigod. Kinda don’t need a guy who (reading resume) is really great at bow & arrow. Maybe sit this one out? Or, actually, you would do really great over at Hunger Games. It’s two screens over.” Also, get Captain America a better weapon than a shield that is very easy to knock down.

This article was originally published May 2012