What is the greatest state?

Inertia. Or California. I love California. You can go to the beach, the desert, and the mountains in one day. I've never done that, of course. It is a preposterous notion. But I do go to the pho place down the street from my house, which is also right next to my laundromat. How many states have a mediocre pho restaurant next to a laundromat right by where I live? Not Michigan! No, sir. Mostly because I don't live in Michigan. Plus, I can see the mountains from my house when the smog clears, which is never. The best state is California, because you can pretend to see smog-hidden mountains from a syringe-covered beach while remembering there's a desert you have to cross when you drive to Vegas, which is never, because Vegas is a Swiffer mop for overfed retards.

Who is the most American person of all time?

Psh. Evel Knievel. He invented the Grand Canyon and jumped over five presidents at once with a motorcycle and in 1972 he started eating a pound of Canadian soil a day just so he could shit it out and make it property of the USA.

Are you, or have you ever been a Communist?

One time I got in trouble for bringing candy to school because the teacher said if I wanted to bring candy, I had to bring some for everyone in the class, so the next day I did, and then Joseph McCarthy blacklisted me from being in the school play.

Someone is treading on you. What do you do?

KEEP YOUR HASHTAGS OFF MY BODY... wait, what did you say? Treading? Oh, nevermind. I don't know what treading is. Who is doing the treading? Everyone's got something that gets them off in this world. Maybe I'm down with treading. Gotta try it first.

What would your perfect flag look like?

First off, we need to get rid of these goddamn rectangles. I would have a circular flag that, when folded properly for ceremonies, would resemble a slice of pizza. I would have a pizza flag with Joey Ramone in the middle of it.

Photography by Mandee Johnson

This article was originally published October 2012