Best App Of The Month: Shazam for Kazaam

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 
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ABOUT THE APP: Shazam for Kazaam

Tells you whether or not you’re currently watching the 1996 Shaquille O’Neal film, Kazaam (89% accurate). New features in latest update: Share results on Facebook, Twitter, and Grindr. Locate the nearest Blockbuster location that would have once rented Kazaam and films like it.

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP

 

REVIEWS FROM THE APP STORE:

★★★★☆ dAnNyHEARTwalkingDEAD    

Use it Constantly

I used to rely on mere guesswork to determine whether or not I was watching the movie Kazaam. Now I’m Shazam-for- Kazaaming three to four times a week and loving it! 

 

★★★★★ WeeMusician24601  

I’ve gotten my confidence back

I used to always look foolish in front of women and coworkers by wrongly declaring “This movie is Kazaam” when I was actually watching Aladdin or Blue Chips or just looking out the window at a very tall man. This app has been a game-changer for me. My newfound confidence in what is and isn’t Kazaam has led to a big promotion at work and tons more stamina in the sack. 

 

★☆☆☆☆ HeyCHETComeLook11

Racist App! Thinks Stringer Bell actor is Shaq!!!

My coworker was watching what turned out to be the trailer for the Nelson Mandela biopic, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. After Shazam-for-Kazaaming it, I foolishly said, "Hey, Kazaam! I love this movie!" This incident coupled with my two previous racially charged infractions, ended up getting me fired from my job.

 
 

This article was originally published November 2013

 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

The Rob Delaney Guide to Parenting

 
 

The Twitter champ, author, and father was kind enough to shed some light on the best parenting practices.

 

How would you describe yourself as a father? 

Really, really good. Only because parenting kids under 3 is easy, in the sense that 
if you screw up in any substantial way, they’ll die.

Debunk this standard parenting practice: giving your children a better life than you had.

That’s mayonnaise. Which is to say: that’s ridiculous. Did Abe Lincoln have an easy life? Coco Chanel? Pol Pot? If you want your kid to be great, you give them a garbage life. 

What traits of yours do you want your kids to have? 

I want my kids to have my oaken buttocks and powerful thighs. When I see a hill or a flight of stairs, I am confident that my beef machine will carry me effortlessly to the top.

What do you not want them to have?

I don’t want them to have my deep-seated racism. Not a lot of people know I’m a racist because I play by the rules as I climb the rungs of fame’s ladder, but I hate race-mixing, racy song lyrics, foot races, you name it.

What physical attributes do you want your kids to inherit from your wife?

I hope my sons have full ample bosoms like their beautiful mother. I love my wife’s breasts and if my sons want me to love them, they will grow or otherwise acquire breasts like their mother’s. 

What sex moves will you teach your kids when they’re ready?

The “Hold the Door for the Nice Lady,” the “Did You Get Your Hair Done?”, and the “Cincinnati Shit Waffle.”

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What extracurricular activity would you hope your kids do?

I’m a sportsman myself, so hopefully they’ll like sportsball, sporting around, and playing “Math Wand.”

How would you handle someone else disciplining your child?

That would be a-okay with me. My wife will tell you I’m terrified of conflict, so if a priest or SWAT team has ideas on how to keep my boys in line, 
be my guest. 

 
 
 
 

The Rob Delaney Child Achievement Goal Sheet

According to Rob, his children need to hit specific accomplishments every 10 years.

Hit start button below

 
 

Illustrated by Justin Bilicki

This article was originally published November 2013

QUIZ: Are You Sexually Attracted to Your Cousin

 

Choose the options below that best describe your feelings toward your cousin.

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The Ultimate Dick and Fart Joke

 

Audio Engineer: Jason Flowers

Originally published October 2013

MORPHS: You Won’t Believe What These Sex Symbols Looked Like When They Were Young

 

A look back and a look forward at the those who changed the face of sex throughout history. 

Slide the pegs below to watch the sex symbols become younger.

 
 

John Travolta

 
 
 

Madonna

 
 
 

Jack Nicholson

 
 
 

Sophia Lauren

 
 
 

Johnny Depp

 
 
 

Pamela Anderson

 
 
 

Mickey Rourke

 
 
 

Denzel Washington

 
 
 

SEE MORE MORPHS:

Best App of the Month: Operation, Kim Jong Un Edition

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 
 
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About the app: Operation, Kim Jong Un Edition

From the North Korean App Store

Dear Leader and Apple Computer creator Kim Jong Un has invented the perfect application for children: Operation. After exploding America and high-fiving Scottie Pippen, Supreme Leader flew his plane to heaven where his dad told him to make game. This is game. He spent all night creating iPhone so kids could play game that he invented.  

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP

 

Reviews From The App Store:

★★★★★ Amazing! All praise dear leader!

 

★★★★★ Amazing! All praise dear leader!

 

 ★★★★★ This app sucks! It didn't even let me aldjal skf oh my god asdlkfjadg aa Just jokes. app is perfect and review is telling truth because I love app and country, not because local officials have tied up wife and children and holding them at gun point. All praise dear leader!

 
 

Originally published May 2013

 

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Best App of the Month: Phone Checker Pro

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 

About the app: PHONE CHECKER PRO

Love checking your phone but nobody's emailing you because they're busy checking their own phone? Enter Phone Checker Pro. This addictive game replicates the experience of checking your phone with notifications based on your actual contact list! The best part? It recreates real life situations: You're waiting for a cashier to hand you change…check that phone! You just stepped out of the shower…check that phone! You've just put on one shoe and now need to put on the other…well, you get it (check that phone). 

 

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

 

Reviews from the app store:

★★★☆☆ Loved the level where you have to wait two seconds for a web page to load so you have to check your phone.

 

★★★★☆ The constant notifications this game sends me give me even more reasons to check my phone!

 

★★★★☆ This game gives me another excuse to look at my phone. I love this, since I have recently started to find talking to people face-to-face stressful and much of life to feel dull and slow-paced.

 

★★★☆☆ This game is -- sorry just got a text -- this game is really -- hold on, gotta take this call -- this ga -- wait Facebook -- th -- 

 
 

Originally published May 2013

 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

Best App of the Month: The Doctor Will See You

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 

About The App: The Doctor Will See You

Get the real experience of sitting in a doctor's waiting room. Just sign into the app by giving your social security number and date of birth and start waiting! Link your Facebook account and kill time by guessing the other patients' ailments until the the doctor is ready.

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

 

Reviews From The App Store:

Casi_Grace1023 ★★☆☆☆ 

Too realistic. I successfully guessed all the ailments of the other patients (they all had cancer FYI) in a minute and then the nurse came and then I sat in another room half-naked for like an hour with nothing to do. Not fun. 

 

PaRsOnSjlM419 ★★★★☆ I cannot stop playing this game. It's just like being at the doctor's office. First I give them all my personal information and then I read virtual versions of golf magazines from 2009. I love it!

 

RoundPanda14 ★★★☆☆ Great game, but I have a feeling the recent identify theft I experienced was a result of it. loved the music playing in the room tho.

 
 

Originally published May 2013

 

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Best App Of The Month: Drone Strike!

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 
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About the app: DRONE STRIKE

If you like your games to reflect outdated military tactics, there's Call of Duty. For modern warfare, there's only one and it's Drone Strike! See what it's like to control real drones! Incredibly realistic, you can almost feel the indifference that overcomes you as you destroy a school on the other side of the world. 

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

 

Reviews from the app store:

★★★☆☆ I had a great time playing, but the day after I launched a drone strike in my game on a small Afghanistan village called Tagab, I saw a news report about a real drone attack in Tagab which is weird.

 

★☆☆☆☆ Wait, is this actually killing people?

 

★★★★☆ I love it! I just killed hundreds of people and all I had to do was press one button!!!!!!

 
 

Originally published May 2013

 

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Best App Of The Month: Borgnine Quotes

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
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About the App: Borgnine Quotes

The late, great actor Ernest Borgnine was one of the greatest stars of the 20th century. From Marty to The Wild Bunch to The Single Guy, he wowed us in every role he played. This app makes our list because it brings pearls of wisdom right from the mouth of Borgnine himself to your iPhone. Whenever you need that wisdom, it is only a swipe away.

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

 

Reviews from the app store: 

★★★★☆ Great, great, great app. I’ve tried all the other Borgnine Quote apps, but this is EASILY the best. LUV IT!

 

★★★☆☆ I was suicidal, standing on a bridge ready to jump. Then, on a whim, I downloaded the Ernest Borgnine Quotes App and a few swipes later, I realized life was worth living. That people cared about me and that I have so much love to give. This app gave me my life back. Took one star off because I don’t like the font.

 

★★★★☆ Wait, what am I reviewing right now? Because I’m trying to review Escape From New York.

 
 

Originally published December 2012

 

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MORPHS: You Won’t Believe What These Tech Innovators Looked Like When They Were Young

 

The appearances of most visionaries are locked into our minds, as they, themselves, came to represent the technology they brought to the masses. But what did they look like when they were just fresh faces, before they created the future?

Slide the pegs below to watch the innovators become younger.

 
 

Arianna Huffington

 
 
 

Albert Einstein

 
 
 

Steve Jobs

 
 
 

Bill Gates

 
 
 

Marissa Mayer

 
 
 

Stephen Hawking

 
 
 

Mark Zuckerberg

 
 
 

Thomas Edison

 
 
 

See More Morphs:

Best App of the Month: Fat Guy Nickname Generator

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 
 
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About the app: Fat Guy Nickname Generator

America in the 21st century. It’s never been a better time to be a big fat piece of shit, and we all have no shortage of flabby friends, each of whom clamors for a custom tailored nickname. That’s where the Fat Guy Nickname Generator proves its worth. Programmed with state-of-the-art heavyset alias invention technology, FGNG helps you figure out the perfect term of endearment for the blubbery fatso in your life.

#1 RATED NICKNAME APP

#3 BESTSELLING PLUS-SIZE LIFESTYLE APP

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

Push the generate button, and name away!

 

Reviews From The App Store:

★★★★★ SAVED MY FRIENDSHIP. My BFF (big fat friend) from college and I had found our relationship strained over the years due to infidelity based mistrust and emotional abuse. Well Fat Guy Nickname Generator told me I should call him Tubby and I did. And Tubby and I have never been closer!!

 

★★★☆☆ Pretty good but I prefer the Obese Person Namer app. Which lets you come up with gender specific names, great for the whale of a woman in your life.

 

★☆☆☆☆ many nicknames absent. eagerly anticipating this app but disappointed with how few nicknames it has. gave my buddy joe the nickname big joe, couldve come up with that on my own.

 
 

Originally published December 2012

 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

Best App of the Month: DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY GUM V 2.1

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 

About The App: DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY GUM V 2.1

If you’re like us, a lot of times you want some gum, but don’t have any. Well, fear not! Does Anyone Have Any Gum V2.1 has your back! Just turn it on, and it shows you the nearest person with some gum to share! So you can grab a stick and get on with your day! Have some extra gum? Click “I Have Gum!” and post your location to help out someone who needs a stick of Wrigley’s or Trident! The BEST social media app for finding or giving away gum.

V2.1 includes the following updates:

  • More accurate GPS locations
  • An “Include mints in search” option
  • Customizable avatars
  • Age screen to weed out anyone under 18
  • Narrow your search results by brand, flavor or consistency.

 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

 

Reviews From The App Store:

★☆☆☆☆ Tried it once, led me to a bathhouse full of naked men. None of them had any gum. DOESN’T WORK!

 

★☆☆☆☆ Great functionality, great idea for an app. As a garlic enthusiast, I NEED gum all the time. But I’m also poor, so I cannot afford it. So this App is for me. Unfortunately, I used it 5 times and then deleted it. 1 time it lead me to a guy with Fruit Stripe. Yuck. The other 4 times it led me to dudes looking for anonymous gay sex.

 

★★★★☆ Love it, love it, love it! I have never had more anonymous gay sex in my life! Consider me a satisfied customer!!!! Haven’t tried to find gum with it yet, though.

 
 

Originally published December 2012

 

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