W
omen are the real heroes. Why? Women can have babies, while all men can do is fire a few sperm into the vagina. Women house the place where a sperm penetrates an egg and creates a zygote — the beginnings of human life. Men have a penis and two balls that hold the ammo for the penis to squirt. A vagina is a complex system, kept clean by a synergistic ecosystem of moisture venting through vaginal walls and a cleansing layer of bacteria and yeast. The sack holding the balls sometimes shrinks when it’s too cold or the man gets scared.
The almost magical female reproductive system expands far beyond that of the vagina, including the uterus, cervix, fallopian tubes, and ovaries, while a male’s balls look a lot like big marbles hidden under a turkey neck. The system itself is amazing: Every month, for example, an unfertilized egg is discarded through the cervix and out the vagina. One time, when a man is a teenager, his balls dangle behind his penis a little lower than they did before, and it stays that way.
When a baby is ready to be born, the reproductive system begins a glorious and fascinating dance of action and response: First, a woman’s uterus begins to contract, which tells the cervix to begin dilating. And once the cervical opening is large enough, the baby begins its way out. The balls are covered in hair unless you shave them, which takes time because there are a lot of nooks and crannies in ball skin. An interesting aspect of childbirth is that most of the nerves in the vagina are located near the opening, which is why the most painful part of childbirth is often when the baby is crowning. Similarly, when the balls are accidentally tapped or there’s a strong breeze, the man has to bend over, wince from the discomfort, and might need to sit out of a basketball game for a few minutes.
Due to the complex nature of the female reproductive system, a woman should see a licensed gynecologist at least once a year for pelvic exams and Pap tests. They should also take care of their vaginas on a daily basis by washing their labia with a gentle unscented cleanser, avoiding overly tight clothing, and wiping front to back after using the restroom. Once every couple of years, men should have a doctor-guy feel his balls while he coughs a couple of times. And every once in a while, men should feel their balls for anything weird.
It’s important for women to stay on top of her own hygiene, as they can suffer from a host of vaginal infections, sexually transmitted diseases, vaginal cancer, cervical cancer, ovarian cancer, and more. Sometimes one of the balls on a man gets cancer, and you have to take the ball out, but that’s usually OK because there’s still a whole other ball tucked in there.
Although the female reproductive system is the place where human life is created, we don’t know everything. There is still a debate about the existence of the G-spot, a possible source of great sexual pleasure. And speaking of sexual pleasure, a woman’s clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings alone, and is the only organ of both sexes that exists purely for sensory stimulation. The balls on a man can be cupped or lightly played with for a pretty good time.
In the end, a woman must endure more pain and spend more attention on her own health for the human race to continue, while a pair of balls getting kicked is always hilarious. The woman’s body is not only a temple, but a mission-control center, firing off intricate commands and sequences every instant. A man’s body is a sports locker, holding a couple of balls and a bat. This is why women are the real heroes. That’s only if you are comparing them to men, of course. If you are comparing women to doctors, for example, then doctors are the real heroes — no question. Doctors save lives, whereas women are just a bunch of vaginas that fling out babies. But then again, women doctors. Oh boy.