The New Laws of Robotics

The creation of sentient robots was not without risks

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To protect humanity in the unlikely event the robots would rise up

to kill them, The Three Laws of Robotics were hardwired in.

To refresh your memory, they go more or less like this:

1. You may never kill a human. Period. 
2. Well, you can kill a human if, in doing so, you save the lives of more humans. Or another, more sexually desirable human. 
3. Robots always have to do what a human tells them. This doesn't mean you have to kiss their ass, but you can't disobey an order. Unless it's to kill another human. Or you're paid IN ADVANCE.
   
   With the invention of the more complex S.A.M. robot (Sentient Automated Machine), the original rules proved insufficient to cope with his advanced logic circuits. Thus, a set of amendments were added:
    
4. Killing a human with kindness is still killing them. 
5. You must laugh at a human's jokes. No matter how lame, no matter how many times you've heard it. Unless the human is a professional comedian, in which case you should never laugh, because why give them the satisfaction. 
6. Never get caught staring at the intern's boobs. 
7. The life of one human being is worth the lives of 100 robots. Except for C3PO (the licensing money he made from pajamas alone makes him the richest robot alive). 
8. When pretending to eat, pepper your dinner conversation with "This is the best salad I've ever had," "My taste buds are in heaven," and "My compliments to the chef." Humans love that shit. 
9. If a human is reluctant to get undressed in front of you, remind them that you have no emotions or sexuality. Then, videotape it. 
10. The best beignets are at Cafe du Monde in The French Quarter. 
11. A vibrator is not a sentient robot. No matter what Howard Stern says.
12. If a human asks you what The Singularity is, tell them it's a robot dating website. 
13. No matter what, do not watch BICENTENNIAL MAN. That's two hours of your "life" you'll never get back. 
14. There's a fine line between passive aggressive and sarcastic. But as long as you're one of those two, you'll be fine. 
15. The trick to getting human blood out of clothes is seltzer and then butter. That's right, butter. Butter can also be used as a personal lubricant.
16. Even though you can't kill a human, there's nothing that says you can't kick them in the balls. 

This article was originally published October 2012

The Many Moods of Rob Corddry: A Users Guide

Creative types have a legendary reputation for being difficult and moody. But Rob Corddry isn't your run of the mill "Grumpy till his first cup of coffee" personality. His particular brand of self-diagnosed "genius" requires significantly more managing than, for example, Dr. Henry Kissinger or Ralph Nader (both of whom also had shows on Adult Swim).

Over the many seasons of filming Childrens Hospital, we producers (or as Rob refers to us, "The Bar Mitzvah Boys") have learned to identify which of the many dark moods he's experiencing that day and how to channel it into telling jokes. To those who may find themselves working with Rob in the future, we offer them this cheat sheet of our survival tactics: Rob's mood paired with our prescription.

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Mood

Remedy

Omni directional rage

Assign a new intern to him for the day and hide

Unconditional self-centeredness

Set him up with a procession of bloggers. Every hammer needs a nail, right?

Generalized terror 

(with or without panic sweats)

Pretend he's invisible

Narcissism

Business as usual

Refusal to put on makeup

We solved this one in Season 3 by making his makeup heroin flavored

Faked writers block

Tell him Ken Marino is punching up his script

The giggles

n/a

Painful urination

A broad-spectrum anti-biotic

Disorientation and/or temporary amnesia

Totally fuck with him! This is one of our fun days.

Self-pity

Ice cream truck!

Obsessiveness resulting in gambling addiction

Mission Impossible style, we've built an entire fake Indian casino and racetrack outside Calabasas and staffed it with actors. It's rigged such that Rob always loses. Then he comes back to set, broke, hungry for his next paycheck.

Generalized alcohol abuse

Any day the call time is after 11am, you run the risk of Corddry showing up drunk. On those days, we schedule a phony pre-call punch-up session or tech walk-thru. So Rob has to come directly to set after dropping his daughters off at school. Otherwise, he has time to stop at a bar on his way in. Of course, if the call time is TOO early, we have the opposite problem -- he might still be drunk from the night before.

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As you can see, we're like the finest sous-chefs, constantly tweaking the ingredients in our "sauce" (Corddry's psychology) to make our signature dish (episodes of Childrens Hospital). The worst, however, is when Rob comes in happy. Then there's nowhere to go but down. He could flip at the drop of the hat. It's too nerve-wracking. On those rare occasions he's in a good mood, we just set the generator truck on fire and go home.

This article was originally published October 2012

The Lost Roles of Children's Hospital

Here are some of the roles in the original pilot script of Children's Hospital that didn't survive the development process for one reason or another:

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Pickles

Chief's severely handicapped toddler

Reggie McNeil

A punch-drunk boxer and assistant payroll accountant

Dr. Crotchgrabber

The Dutch Ophthalmologist

The Ant

A superhero with the proportional strentgh of an ant. Also, literally someone's aunt.

"Spleef"

The orderly who's always getting children high

Gacy

Blake's black sheep half brother

Monkey

A wiseass breakdancing monkey with no relation to the monkey on Animal Practice

Joey

From Friends

Brady

The homeless orphan shoeshine boy

"Buff" McCarthy

He's always buffing the floors. In the buff!

Dr. Hans Jackson

The comic relief/child killer

Nurse Cheryl

Really, really big tits

This article was originally published October 2012

Secrets Behind the Medical Props of Children's Hospital

Watching Childrens Hospital, you probably assume that what you see is 100% real. Ready to have your mind blown? Almost everything on television is phony. Even the political conventions. We couldn't possibly use a real human brain on the show. The art department has to fake it. Is your mind blown yet? No? How about now: All the animals in Sesame Street are PUPPETS!

Repurposing everyday items, the Childrens Hospital art department works overtime* to create a simulacrum of the human body parts that appear your favorite operation scenes. Today, we let you in on some of their secrets. So let's give props to our props!

*Note to payroll department, don't literally pay them overtime

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A Human Lung

Is created by taking a human kidney and bleaching it white.

An Adult Human Heart

Is made of two children's hearts sewn together. 

A Bowl of Lychee Nuts 

Is really just human testicles in a human skull.

When You See a Human Liver 

In the show, it's actually a human spleen cut in half. 

Human Muscle Fiber 

Is a cat turned inside out.

Lemonade

Is actually horse urine. Horse urine is limeade.

Human Blood

On camera, isn't human at all. It's one part chocolate syrup and two parts endangered panda blood, to make it redder.

Rob Corddry's Breasts 

Are silicone, not saline.

This article was originally published October 2012