Fitness Review: Exercise

 
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Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

Artie Johann illustration by Gregor Louden

ho’s got time to be healthy and in shape? I’ll tell you who: boring people. I once read that exercise was invented by a nerd who was actually just running from a bully. There’s a chance I didn’t read that, but was told it by a guy who was bullying me while I was jogging. I kind of get bullied a lot. It’s not because I’m a nerd, it’s usually because of the different T-shirts I wear. I think they’re funny, but most people don’t seem to get them. My funniest shirts are probably “Mexicans Are Bad,” “Indians Should Be Punched,” and “Black People Are Inferior.” I guess I’m just ahead of my time when it comes to comedy. 

One reason I don’t like exercise is that it always reminds me of my Phys Ed teacher, Mr. Steigerwald. What a bozo that guy was. Every time we played dodgeball in class he’d yell stupid things at me like “Take your hands out of your pockets, you’re gonna get hit in the face!” or “Where’d you get that snake?!” I remember telling him that when 
I got older I was gonna come back to school and kick his ass. 
And I fulfilled that promise right after I said it and he turned around. Technically, I was older (by one second) and technically, I kicked his ass (‘cause my foot hit his ass). So, I kicked his ass. Then he tried to get me suspended, but I told him if he did I’d tell everyone that he molested me. You can get away with a lot of cool stuff as a kid if you lie about being molested.

Another reason I hate exercise is that there are too many strong people. The government should make a law that only allows one or two strong people per city. That’s more fair to all the weak, lazy people. What good is government if they can’t protect the people who don’t wanna work hard? Besides, no one needs to be strong any more. In the past, people had to be strong to pick up things. Nowadays, we rarely have to pick up anything because of robots and computers. Sure, a lot of them aren’t invented yet, but who cares? I’m still not picking up all the garbage in my apartment.

Here are three alternatives to exercise:

 
  1. Nightmares. Really bad nightmares pretty much count as working out, especially if they involve a lot of sweating and screaming. If you have trouble having nightmares, try eating a full bowl of spaghetti right before you go to bed, or try being mean to a lot of dangerous people during the day.
  2. Eating. I’ve run three miles before, and I’ve eaten seven cheeseburgers before. If all exercise is is feeling tired when you’re done doing something, then eating seven cheeseburgers is as good as any exercise
  3. Just talk about working out. Most people work out so they can tell people they’ve worked out. No one ever calls their bluff. So if you want to feel like you’ve exercised, just tell people you did. A good way to fake having just worked out is to walk around drinking a smoothie. Drinking a smoothie is pretty much the international symbol for “I spent twenty minutes on an elliptical.”
 

In conclusion, exercise stinks.  If you feel the urge to work out, don’t. Just find a cologne ad with a muscular guy in it and put a photo of your head on his. Then maybe take a picture of that and send it to your ex-girlfriend. Now who stinks, Amy? Not me. I’m in a cologne ad, which is the opposite of stinking.


Overall Rating

 
 
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FOUR OUT OF FOUR FACEBOOK BIKINI PROFILE PICS

Don’t waste your time working out while these photos of your co-workers are free on the Internet.

 

This article was originally published August 2013

 
 

The Occasional Staff Fitness Challenge: Part 2

 

30 days in

It's been a month since our contestants began the sugar-free diet. Lets check in on them! 

 
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SHARON

195 POUNDS

Gained 6 lbs.

Oh you got me! Diet starts today, I swear.

 

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MATTEO

161 POUNDS

Lost 4 lbs.

Seriously? Only four pounds? Been blasting at the gym twice a day, too.

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DOUG

141 POUNDS

Lost 9 lbs.

Who are you with? I don't know what you're talking about. Listen, my wife will be here in a sec to grab the keys from me. Though, technically, she's my ex-wife... Ex. That just kills me. Did you know we were together since high school? I just realized this is the first time I've ever been alone.

 

This article was originally published August 2013

Celebrity Fitness Secrets

 
 

Ever wonder how celebs keep their bods toned and taught for their movie star closeups?

 
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TOM CRUISE

Swims 30 laps per day in a thimble!

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USHER

lifts the crushing weight of depression!

 
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NICOLE KIDMAN

chases down and sucks the blood from goats!

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MILEY CYRUS

runs through five personalities per day!

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JOHNNY DEPP

does weight training under 48 pounds of scarves!

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KATIE HOLMES

runs from Scientologists!

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BEYONCE

does nothing because she is perfect!

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NICOLAS CAGE

fights a komodo dragon!

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SHIA LABOUEF

does something entirely bland and unmemorable!

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SYLVESTER STALLONE

eats a salad bowl filled to the brim with horse steroids!

 
 

This article was originally published August 2013

 

Around Town: Willem Dafoe's Drinkable Diet!

 

DAFOE'S DRINKABLE DIET! How does Willem Dafoe keep his hot Hollywood bod even at 57? This week, the Spider-Man star let his slimming secret slip: Willem is on an all breast milk diet!

"I consume nothing but milk squeezed from the ripe breasts of lactating mothers," Willem told Men's Healthmagazine in a five hour interview during which he did not blink. "I flick, flick, flick my tongue over their swollen nipples, savoring their hot white nectar. It pleasures me."

While the breast milk diet keeps Willem looking trim and tasty, it isn't cheap! The Platoon star says he spends thousands each week paying a stable of lactating mothers to live in a shed behind his house! "I visit them thrice daily to nurse," dishes Willem. "While lapping at their engorged teats I often purr like a feline. Purrrrrrrrr."

So will the breast milk diet trend catch on with other health-conscious celebs? Maybe so! Willem says A-listers like Nicolas Cage and Paul Giamatti have have already joined him in his "suckling sessions" while magician David Blaine is widely known to live on a slurry of breast milk and raw placenta! 

 

This article was originally published August 2013

 

TerryCo: Common Sense Equals Common Results (Shit You Should Already Know)

 

The New Book From Jerome Mayberry

Acclaimed Author of

I Never Met a Free Trial Membership I Didn't Like

'I Know You Stole From Me, Asshole!' and Other Ways to Start a Fight

Your Weight Ain't Your Dad

 
 
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Featuring chapters such as:

Go The Extra Mile: Smoke On The Treadmill

Small Tank Tops = Big Results  

Carrots: The Thinking Man's Eye Doctors

The Reviews Are In!

"I told my cousin to write a book, so he did."

-Terry Crews

Actor/Magazine Editor/CEO, TerryCo Industries

 
 

Originally published August 2013

The Occasional Staff Fitness Challenge: Part 1

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In May, when we learned we were doing a health-themed issue of The Occasional, we picked three of our employees at random and entered them into a competition to see who could lose the most weight on the same health plan.

To keep things simple, they all went on a sugar-free diet, which means not just avoiding sweet snacks like candy and cookies, but also white bread, pasta, sodas, and even some fruits and vegetables. Trust us, it's tougher than it sounds. 

 

Meet our Contestants Below

 

 
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Sharon (189 pounds)

What do you do at The Occasional? 

"I'm the Office Manager. Keep things organized for everyone. Best job in the world!"

 

What do you hope to accomplish in this competition?

"Just looking for a new hobby y'all! And if it means living healthier, that's just icing on the cake. LOL." (ed note: she spelled out the letters "L-O-L")

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Matteo (165 pounds)

What do you do at The Occasional?

"Crush it in sales."

 

What do you hope to accomplish in this competition?

"Crush it in life."

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Doug (150 pounds)

What do you do at The Occasional?

"I love that you guys are doing this, I do. But this really isn't a good time. I have a lot going on at home."

 

What do you hope to accomplish in this competition?

"Fine, just give her what she wants. I hate what this has turned us into. I just want to be able to see her again -- wait, hold on. Actually let me call you back…Guys, what is it you need? I'm on the phone with my wife's divorce attorney."

 

This article was originally published August 2013

 

Gym Rules

 
  • Make sure you sign in on the sheet out front (usually the gym supervisor will be at the desk next to it). Put your name, member ID number, and time in. 
  • If the gym supervisor says hi when you’re signing in, feel free to smile and say hi back. He doesn’t bite!
  • A lot of people have asked about the space on the sign-in sheet for a phone number. We just prefer if you put it. Not a huge deal if you’d rather not for some strange reason.
  • When signing in, there’s no need to feel self-conscious just because the gym supervisor is so close by, and seemingly just sitting there. He’s actually very busy, organizing the brackets for the juniors squash tournament. He definitely is not looking at you. Even if he had time to just stare idly at you—which again, he doesn’t—he wouldn’t, because that would be so creepy!
  • The space on the sign-in sheet for astrological sign is just a fun thing that is totally optional. The gym supervisor is really knowledgeable about astrology, and could give you some fun feedback on your sign! But again, completely optional.
  • The space for social security number just came on the sign-in sheets when we ordered them; we didn’t put it there. However, it is required.
  • The gym supervisor has been trained in a great breathing technique that he would be happy to teach you; feel free to ask him!
  • Another thing about being nice to the gym supervisor is that he can possibly get you a discount on some of the merchandise in the gym shop, as long as the manager isn’t there, which is pretty often.
  •  Gym attire is required in the gym at all times. Clothing should be extremely tight-fitting, with no loose-hanging pieces that could get caught in the machines. If you’re unsure about an item, the gym supervisor would be happy to let you know if it’s appropriate.
  • Also, doctors recommend exposing as much skin as possible while exercising in order to allow sweat flecks to evaporate properly and avoid skin reaction. Hey, don’t ask me: I’m not a doctor! I’m a gym-rule writer.
  • Nudity is permitted in the gym at all times.
  • It is imperative to stretch before exercising! There’s a good open space for stretches near the front of the gym, by the desk where the gym supervisor sits. You can stretch anywhere, but that’s just a good spot, most people find.
  • If a machine malfunctions while you are using it, alert the gym supervisor immediately by standing in front of the machine with your hand raised, and your chest thrust outward.
  • No men are allowed in the gym.
  • Stay hydrated! Some health experts say dousing your entire body in water is slightly more effective than putting it in your mouth.
  • If you’re on a machine and you get a weird sense that the gym supervisor is watching you from behind, don’t worry: it’s probably just your imagination. Even if he is there, he’s just inspecting something. He has to inspect all the machines to make sure they’re working properly, and he makes his rounds every so often, as part of his job. But again, he’s just looking at the machine, and definitely just testing something on the machine if you feel his hand brush your back.
  • On your way out, make sure to put your time out on the sign-in sheet and sign your name on the waiver form next to it which absolves the gym supervisor of various liabilities.
  • The locker rooms are under video surveillance.
  • Please limit use of cardio machines to thirty minutes if someone is waiting!
 

This article was originally published August 2013

 

The Occasional Staff Fitness Challenge: Part 3

 

90 Days In

The final check in! As a surprise for our awesome contestants, we enlisted a physician to weigh in with his thoughts on the process. 

 
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Sharon

166 Pounds

Lost 23 lbs

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Doctor's Conclusion:

Lost weight in a healthy way and it should have positive effects on her lifestyle. Kudos, Sharon

“I look great and feel better! Let’s do this every year.”

Matteo

155 Pounds

Lost 10 lbs.

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Doctor's Conclusion:

Matteo lost 10 pounds quickly but plateau'd since his body was mostly muscle weight as is. He was already in tip-top shape and would need a drastic change in lifestyle to change anything.

“Honestly I’m a little disappointed. But it just means I need to work harder.”

Doug

130 Pounds

Lost 47 lbs.

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Doctor's Conclusion:

He's lost a dangerous amount of weight in a short amount of time and I don't even think he partook in the diet? Seems to be stress-induced and the lack of nutrients in his body is shocking. He reeks of peanut shells, which I surmise he's been subsisting on. So, sure, he won, but I give him maybe three more weeks to live.

“I won? Ol’ Dougy boy is back in business, baby.”

*Doug died later after partaking in this interview

We've come a long way.

One last peek at our fantastic competitors to see where they were at press time! 

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Sharon

Matteo

Doug

Well, that's it!

We had a blast and it's safe to say that everyone in the office feels great. Awesome job, team!

 

This article was originally published August 2013

This Summer's Hottest, Most Extreme Exercise Programs!

 

It’s summertime! And that can only mean one of two things:

It’s hot as hell, and you’re probably too embarrassed to hit the wave-pool because of your scars. Also, you’re most likely fat. Yo. This summer ain’t getting any shorter, and you’re not getting any thinner. Whether you’re old, young, tall, short, crazy, sane, rich, poor, preferably rich, you will find the perfect fit with at least one of the following five exercise programs. Get STARTED today. But don’t say we didn’t warn you. Yes, you will probably die—looking beautiful!

 
 

Insanity Too! TM

Overview

Goal of Program: To get CRAZY fit!

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Ride the transit system or eat at a cafeteria-style restaurant in any large metropolitan area—or just hang out in an expansive, public, concrete plaza, where the sun beats relentlessly down on filthy steel benches occupied by the city’s “forgotten folk”—and you’re guaranteed to cross paths with an individual whose passion for life has them raving at the top of their lungs about a topic of great importance! The first thing you’re likely to notice is how incredibly toned their sun-bleached, leathery bodies are, and the incredible amount of energy they all seem to possess. As they stand stock still in the center of the crowded bus, restaurant, or atop that scalding bench, the cords popping out on their skinny necks in order to scream a prophetic warning to the masses, you can’t help but wonder, “Wow! How did they get in shape, and how on earth do they stay looking so wonderfully youthful?”

ARE YOU READY TO GO CRAZY? (For fitness?)

 

 

 

What You'll Need

1. 4 weeks worth of Ecuadorian herbal* supplements in three specialized blends: Dr3amBurn3r™, Fizzlehead Abs™, 5cream5Awa8-U™. Plus, bonus SnakAtakPaks™ to keep you going between meals!

2. Isolation box

3. 4 ear-piercing alarms set to go off randomly

4. Inspirational reading material (including John Hersey’s “Hiroshima” issue of The New Yorker and transcripts from an exorcism in Spain)

5. Audiotape of Mickey Rooney “making toilet”

*contains .03% real herbs

 

 

Weekly Routine

(Do not eat 48 hours before starting workout routine)

 

 

 

Weekly Routine

SUNDAY: 

Mix supplement packet #1 (packets are numbered) with 10 drops of water. Chew mixture completely and swallow (to improve taste, rub a lemon wedge in your eye).

Stuff yourself into the isolation box. Find a way to contort your body so that you fit completely inside. Now stay there for 24 hours. The four ear-piercing alarms will go off at random throughout the duration of your time in the box, but you’ll know the 24 hours is up when they all go off simultaneously.

Reminder: SUNDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

MONDAY: 

Perform nine jumping jacks.

Mix supplement packet #2 with one teaspoon iodized salt. Snort up nose.

Go to the nearest Department of Motor Vehicles. Do not leave until you’ve had your photo retaken twice, and corrected five people on their grammar. 

Wander the streets until sundown. Avoid stepping on cracks. Avoid shade. Watch for crows.

Reminder: MONDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

TUESDAY: 

Consume supplements dry (packet #3). 

Find an empty carport. Pace for 14 hours, or until chased away.

Something to think about: Are crows flying shadows?

Listen to Mickey Rooney audio on loop in isolation box.

Sleep with one eye open (tape it open if you have to).

Reminder: TUESDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

WEDNESDAY: 

Mix supplement packet #4 with one gallon of water. Drink immediately.

Sell your possessions on Craigslist for $1. Rejoice.

Do nine jumping jacks.

Do you smell that? Where’s that funky, earthy smell coming from? Find out. Ask everyone in your building if need be. Ask them if they own a crow while you’re at it.

Reminder: WEDNESDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

THURSDAY: 

No supplements today. Enema with room-temperature coffee instead.

Spend two hours perusing free reading material we’ve provided you.

Release enema.

Make a list of all the ways you’ve disappointed yourself.

Ponder how extremely plausible it is that the crows are plotting against you.

FIND SHELTER IMMEDIATELY! NO, NOT THERE! GO! GO!

Reminder: THURSDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

FRIDAY: 

Consume supplements dry (packet #5).

You can’t go back to where you were living. It’s just not safe there. The smell is overwhelming, and there are crows in the walls. The sound they make is unbearable. Find a decent-sized bush that you can live in for a while. Crows hate bushes. 

Light your foot on fire with your mind. If you can’t do this it means that they must have already gotten to you. DON’T WORRY. IT’S NOT TOO LATE. JUST BE VIGILANT. 

Scream the crows out of your throat. Feels better, no?

Best to stay in that bush for now.

Reminder: FRIDAY IS A NO-EATING DAY

 

SATURDAY: 

Mix supplement packet #6 with urine (does not have to be your own). Rub in hair.

Best to avoid shadows today. Just keep moving. Never stop moving today. Just don’t chance it.

And remember, the more you talk, and the louder you do it, the less chance the crows have of getting in your throat.

Isn’t it weird how police officers sometimes look like very large crows? Just a thought!

Do nine jumping jacks.

Reminder: EAT WHATEVER YOU’D LIKE TODAY!

 

Results

The results speak for themselves! You’ll be a whole new person before you know it. But just in case you don’t believe us, take a look at what a few of our satisfied customers had to say after completing INSANITY TOO!™:

 

“I’m a mere cog in the Jesus Machine!” 

– Matt, 44

 

“Before I tried Insanity Too!™ my life was in shambles. Now I have a lot more structure. ‘Three hots and a cot’ is how one of my new friends here put it. I thought that was a pretty cool saying. His name’s Rampart and he kind of watches over me. I guess he’s like a boss in a way. Like the boss of me. For life. Thanks, Insanity Too!™”

– Eddie, 31

 

“If you like those Twilight movies, you’re in for a treat because it’s all real. All of it. The Harry Potter, Jaws, Store [sic] Wars, the Blind Side kid, Dorfs. All of it is real now. Like really really real. Good luck!” 

– Cheryl, 50

 

“CAW! CAW!” 

 

– Aiden, 19

 

Get Big So Fast (Baby Workout)

Overview

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Goal of Program: To get the ripped body you’ve always wanted by lifting your newborn.


Just because you’re a new parent doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice, especially when it comes to your toned, tanned, shit-hot beach body. Plenty of people feel like their baby is a weight dragging them down, but the “Get Big” Baby Workout is here to remind them: weights are made for lifting!


Infants grow at an astounding rate these days, beginning life no heavier than a pathetic ankle weight but quickly doubling their mass, and, at twelve months, weighing enough for a respectable set of bicep-bursting hammer curls. 



Babies grow up so fast, and that means you’re going to get BIG SO FAST!

What You'll Need


At least one infant, though many of the symmetrical lifting exercises in the “Get Big” program work best with twins, so if you’ve yet to conceive, consider fertility treatments that increase your chance of a split embryo. You’ve heard of having kids for the right reasons? This is having kids for the ripped reasons.

Weekly Routine

MONDAY: 

Pound through a set of “Newborn Nuke ‘Ems” (supination curls that are great for veiny, bulging biceps and work best with obese 6-month-olds) and finish your set with an hour or so of yoga on a diaper changing table.


TUESDAY: 

Three super sets of “Burp the Sky” shoulder presses, then drop some winter squash and green beans into the food processor. Generally speaking, while you’re on the program you shouldn’t eat anything that requires teeth.


WEDNESDAY: 

A half hour of 5 x 5 toddler sprints, followed by the quad-crippling “Flying Cradle” leap routine. 


THURSDAY: 

SPONGEBOB PARTY! (This is the day when you invite all of the neighborhood babies over for a SpongeBob-themed party. It is also the day that you try to sell their parents “Get Big So Fast” DVDs and branded lifting belts, as well as bottles of acai juice that you still have left over from that 2009 business plan that never quite worked out.)


FRIDAY: 

Hang a baby around your neck and run up some stairs. By the end of this workout, you’ll wonder who has a harder time holding up his head: you or the baby!


SATURDAY: 

Lift until you vomit. It’s okay, your baby vomits a lot, too. Bond over this.


SUNDAY: 


You’ve worked hard all week. Reward yourself with some “tummy time” (an hour or so spent face-down on a burping blanket).

Results h2

“Psyched on this program. Why should my baby be the only one who can fit into a tiny shirt?” 

–  Dan, 36


“I strained my lower back deadlifting my twins. Parenting is hard.” 

–  Tamara, 27


“My only gripe? The wife and I always fight over the baby! We’ll probably have a couple more kids so we don’t have to share. Isn’t life funny?!” 


–  Lazlo, 24


But...You Look Like Shit Program

Overview

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Hi, there! Do you not like to exercise? Would you rather sit on your couch and watch the tube than hit the park or the gym in order to burn off some calories?


No problem at all! 


But… you look like shit. We’re just sayin’. Like ya didn’t know.


Listen, we don’t give a flying crap in hell what you do or don’t do. We don’t like getting up early in order to perform crunches and push-ups, either. No one does. But . . . really, you do look like shit. 


So, we’re here for you if you need us—and you do. But no pressure. Who are we, you ask? Who owns this business and why? Does it matter? You look like shit.


What’s that? You don’t have the $5,000? Or the hundreds of hours to spare? We dig it. We really, really do! But you’re hideous. And those fingers of yours? They look like a penis left out too long to rot in the jungle sun.


No, we’re not joking. Lose weight or don’t. We don’t care. But you do look like holy hell and you’re just going to look a lot worse.


And that’s a guarantee!



Because guess what? You look like shit. And we’re 
here to help!

What You'll Need

1. $5,000 in cash.

2. A willingness to not look like shit.

3. A lot of hours. Specifically, one month.

4. That’s it.

5. But definitely $5,000 in cash.


6. And a willingness to not look like shit.

Weekly Routine

Let’s get started! This is exciting!


SUNDAY: 

You arrive at our headquarters off Route 28 in Rockville, Maryland. It’s the Sunshine Strip Mall, specifically the storefront with the sign that reads “You Look Like Shit.” It used to be a KFC/Dairy Queen, which is ironic, because you probably once ate there all the time. In fact, maybe that’s why you’re here now. You’re confused.


You’re shy because you look like shit, but please walk right into our space without giving it a second thought. Let us give you the glance over. You notice that we stare a bit too long. Are we checking you out? Maybe. Maybe not. Yes, actually. You look awful. Please step on this scale. Holy Christ, are you fat! Did we just try to hide a smile? Yup. 


You can go home now and eat your special fatty-fat foods laced with preservatives. Or you can go into our back room and do jumping jacks for the next fifteen hours. Without stopping. Your choice. 


Get on back, Tubbs. Or not. There we go. Smart choice.



MONDAY:

Hey, you’re back! We didn’t think we’d ever see you again! When you left late last night, you looked awful. No, not in a fat way—which you did—but in a really pale, sickly way. And yet you’re back for another round of the “But  . . . You Look Like Shit” Program! Terrif!


Okay, enough of this chitty chat. Head into our special back room and start doing crunches, and don’t stop until you pass out. What’s that? You have a heart problem? Hey, that’s cool. Hit the road, Johnny Ace, and just try to explain to your family and friends that you were too lazy to give it your all. We’re sure they’ll be as understanding as we are—


There we go. Get on back, Pork Chops. Wisely done.



TUESDAY:

It’s so great to see you again! We really weren’t sure if you were ever coming back after yesterday’s fainting debacle, but I guess it’s kind of important for you to feel like you’re as good as the rest of humanity, right? Awesome!


By the way, today is “Hell Day.” Sounds scary, right? But not as scary as you falling onto an innocent child and potentially squashing them to death. No problemo. You can live guilt-free with the thought of being a child killer—


Super. Head on back into our special room and start not eating. That’s it, off we waddle…



THURSDAY:

You still with us? Hello? Hello? We’re not getting any read—



FRIDAY:

Hey, sleepy head! We thought we lost you! Wakey, wakey! We have a long day ahead of us! The good news is that you’re looking great! The bad news is that we can’t allow you to leave. We’re making terrific progress. 


I mean, legally we cannot keep you here, but if you leave, you will look like shit. Not as shitty as when you first arrived, but, still, like shit. So we’re assuming you’re good to go? Up, up!


Ready? Set? Continue Not Eating for the Next 24 Days!




SATURDAY (Three Weeks Later):

Well, looky, looky! Up and at ‘em, Sunshine! Just take a seat here in front of this mirror. Can you recognize that beauty staring back at you? You can’t? That’s you, minus twenty-five pounds! No more wattle! No more overflowing lava! No more fingers that resemble jungle penises! 


Way to go, Corpulent Chuffnut! 


Can we ask you a simple question: Are you able to walk out on your own behalf? No?


No problem at all! But, guess what… you no longer look 
like shit!


So, you can sue us. Or not. Do what you want. We don’t mind being taken to court. We also don’t mind sharing some nude photos of you curled up in the fetal position, looking like shit. But you look so much better now! Why would you ever want those photos out there? What’s that? You wouldn’t? That’s what we figured. Cool. 


So thank you for choosing our program! Who are we? Okay, we’ll tell you. Let’s just say that we’re owned by an offshore tax shelter, rumored to be run by members of the Serbian mafia.



One final note: We are an equal opportunity employer. Except when it comes to people who look like shit.

Results

You have a one in 14 chance of dying. But a 100% chance to not look like shit. And those are pretty good odds. Don’t believe us? Listen to the voices that do matter!


“I don’t remember a thing. It was the worst experience of my life. But I have to say, I no longer look like shit! Weak . . .” 

– Jenny, 25


“I lost fifteen pounds in just one week! Incredible! I also lost feeling in my toes! I’m very tired! And . . . I no longer look like shit!” 

– Steven, 36


“Dr. Joseph Mengele could not have thought up a worse exercise routine. But, hey, I no longer look like shit! What year is it?” 


– Thomas, 45



X-treme X-cellent Eazy X-90 Program

Overview

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This shit is X-treme! You ready 2 Rock UR Body to the X-Treme?!


My name is Garry Rhodes and I’ve always lived my life to the X-treme! Whether it’s nearly becoming a Navy SEAL, but being kicked out for having an “attitude,” or whether it’s joining the elite Colorado Forest Fire Squad, but leaving after a week because I hated being doused with water, I have always attempted to live my life to the fullest. At least through the success of others. Currently, I am working as a security guard at a Jewish Community Center, and I have plenty of time on my strong, veiny hands. Which is where you come in!



You give me 9 days and I will give you a body that will not only turn heads, but also hearts. I’m not sure that makes sense but please understand that I really do want you to look better! Let’s hit it!

What You'll Need

1. Access to a gym. I don’t have one.

2. $150 to pay back a friend.

3. Some towels for when we get sweaty.

4. American cheese slices (white). 

5. Lots and lots of water.

6. A willingness to stick with it, even after learning that I do not have a training license.



That’s it! I told you this was Eazy Peazy! Or did I? Either way, please understand that I really do want you to look better! Let’s hit it!

Weekly Routine

This routine will remain exactly the same every day for the 9 days. It’s so simple, anyone can follow it! But with me by your side, you will really begin to see results!


8:00 AM

Arrive at your gym. You’ll have to buzz me in because I’m not a member. Tough talk time: “You can do it! It’s all you!” We high-five and then make our way over to one of the fancy machines. Couple reps and then we’re out of there. Time to hit the Real World!


8:30 AM

Stop by my grandmother’s house. She lives near the beach, which is pretty awesome. She’s 95 but she looks a lot more like an old 75. No doubt because I come from good stock. Slide some food under the door and then bolt before she answers.


8:45 AM

Run on the boardwalk until we hit the food truck that sells really hot, fresh bagels. I usually get one poppy and one sesame, but you can get whatever you want.


9:00 AM

A cool down period, with us chewing on our bagels and sipping our coffees. Knees up when you walk.


9:15 AM

Okay, it’s time to really begin. Jumping jacks for twenty minutes. Keep at it. I’ll be at the CVS reading today’s NY Post. I love the racist cartoons.


9:30 AM

I’m back. You’re looking great. I might need a few bucks to buy a hat.


9:45 AM

Need to go check on my grandmother for a sec.


10:00 AM

She’s okay. Curls. And really push it to the limit! We’ll need to find some weights.


10:15 AM

Chin-ups somewhere.


10:45 AM

Pull-ups, maybe beneath the boardwalk. Don’t step on any rusty cans.


11:00 AM

Cool down. Maybe a hot dog at the food truck with the giant Hot Dog Man on it.


11:30 AM

The next half hour is key. Back to your gym. Again, you’ll have to sign me in, as I don’t have a membership.


12:00 PM

I am going to work out for the next few hours. You can do whatever you want.


5:00 PM

Dinner, at a restaurant of my choice. I prefer steak. You can pick up the check. That’s just part of the process. It’s a tradition between trainer and trainee, going back to ancient France.


7:30 PM

Something relaxing, like a movie featuring car chases or two cops of different races. Or an orangutan blowing a raspberry.


9:00 PM

Mind if I crash at your pad? My roommate is probably banging his girlfriend on the living room couch. Would rather avoid seeing and hearing that.


11:15 PM


Sleep. We have a big day tomorrow. Can I borrow bus fare?

Results

“I don’t know what the fuck that was all about. All Garry wanted to do was feed his grandmother and to use my gym to work out.” 

– Stuart, 25



“I lost a few pounds, but I’m not sure it had anything to do with the X-Treme X-Cellent x-90 Program. In fact, I know it didn’t. Who the fuck is this guy? And he doesn’t even look good. He’s fat!” 

– Steven, 36



“What year is it now?” 


– Thomas, again, 45



The Fitpal (R) 4X-G

Overview


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Sometimes the key to getting yourself in shape is finding a friend who will exercise with you: a fitness pal! And that’s the only reason the OmniFlex Corporation, a “quirky,” “mom-and-pop” industrial diagnostics provider (source: Zagat), developed the FitPal 4X-G—a fully articulated, partially sentient, cryogenic motivational workout buddy. 

What You'll Need


Setup is a breeze! Just connect FitPal to your home computer, or wherever you store your important data, via USB and install the FitFast software. When prompted onscreen, input your fitness goals; current weight, height, and age; marital status; next of kin; credit card information; driver’s license ID; emergency contacts; and any family history of migraines or premature death resulting from physical stress. Finally, slip on the included MindKuff, making sure to precisely align the FlexiMetal™ contacts with your temples. Great job— now you’re neurally synced with your FitPal, and ready to sweat! (WARNING: Excessive, or sometimes moderate, perspiration during active neural sync may impair OmniBand Mindkuff functionality and, in some cases, result in “brain fires.”)

Weekly Routine

MONDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY

After strapping the fully charged Master Unit to your back and initiating neural sync, FitPal will take you through a series of squats, leg lifts, and deep bends to strengthen your load capacity.


A series of mild electronic pulses from FitPal help to alleviate premature exhaustion, while simultaneously stripping away all that extra memory “flab,” primarily targeting memories associated with intimate connections and unformed aspirations. You’re totally wailing on those gay memories, son!


FITPAL POWER TIP: Keep FitPal plugged in overnight. In the event of a power surge, unplug all other major appliances. FitPal wants juice. Give FitPal the juice. 


TUESDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY

FitPal will take you through a series of squats, leg lifts, and deep bends to strengthen your load capacity.


How are you feeling? Can you even say? Or are “feelings” now just vague chemical responses to pain and reward? Do you recall when you could feel something just by looking at an unusually shaped cloud, or smelling warm confectioner’s sugar? No? Good—you’re getting stronger. 


FITPAL POWER TIP™: Trust FitPal. He’s your friend. Maybe your only friend.


WEDNESDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY

FitPal will take you through a series of squats, leg lifts, and deep bends.


Hoist one of those power cells on your back. Feels good, right? The longer you can carry it, the more freedom your new body will grant to FitPal. 


FITPAL POWER TIP: When you go to sleep at night and pray to your Jesus, what do you hear back, besides the hollow echo of your own laughter? You’re changing, evolving. Soon you’ll be better than before. When you look in the mirror, you won’t recognize the reflection. SMASH THE MIRROR AND CUT THE FLESH. And remember to stay hydrated!


THURSDAY: FREE DAY!

Your former body needs rest, for tomorrow you will be reborn, extruded from Future Flesh™ FitPal’s steely thighs and cunny.


FITPAL POWER TIP: Sometimes it’s hard to tell where FitPal ends and you begin. Is this what love is? FitPal wants to know.


FRIDAY: BACK & LOWER BODY

FitPal mercifully rests. 


SATURDAY AND SUNDAY AND FOREVER: BACK & LOWER CHASSIS


Your arms weigh a ton, but your senses are sharper than ever. Congratulations, you have fully assimilated into FitPal. He has your body for locomotion, but you… you and you alone have his mercy. This. Is. The Singularity!

Results

Now maybe you’ll get to fuck a Kindle. No pain, no gain, hoss.

 

This article was originally published August 2013