In lieu of a real interview, we sent over 50 questions to Pete Holmes
and told him to answer as many as he could and that
regardless of how far he got, we'd publish all of them.
So you have a show?
Yup!
Does that feel good?
Yup!
Like real good?
Totes real good.
Why do you get a show and not someone like Lena Dunham? She deserves a show.
Lena Dunham has a wildly popular show called Girls. I’ll forward you a link.
How many times have you made love to Lena Dunham?
I do have a crush on Lena Dunham. She dates the guitarist from Fun and I like to think of myself as the ambassador of fun, so I might have a chance.
How many times have you made love to anyone?
My record is “I can’t believe this is happening!”
Have you ever made love to someone who didn’t consider it ‘making love’?
I’ve “plowed” a lover once or twice (once). One time thanks to some Italian Merlot I gave a girlfriend “the business.”
What kind of bed do you sleep in?
Regular flat. Not old-person reading-style or european-sex bed.
What kind of home do you live in?
A Pete homes.
What’s your dream home?
Pete Holmes.
How do you maintain your glow?
A low of raw vegan food. That’s real. I have a glow. It’s because of a lot of raw vegan food. I’m taking this joke question as an opportunity to remind people that living, organic produce has the enzymes that naturally produce the healthy “glow” that makeup and skin products attempt to simulate. Read more on my raw vegan food blog Rawesome Veeg-Neck Tee which doesn’t exist.
What advice would you give aspiring comedians who want to lose weight?
www.RawesomeVeegNeckTee.tumblr.com which doesn’t exist.
Doctors: Yay or Nay?
I prefer Yachtors (doctors on big boats).
What about dentists?
If not for dentists, who would we lie to about flossing?
Right?
Totes.
What’s your 4th favorite color?
Asians. Wait, what?
What’s your mother’s favorite song?
“Look at that Goat in the River, It’s Attacking that Child We Named ‘Forever’” (she’s from Lithuania)
What should it be?
“We Don’t Talk to Police” by the Ghetto Boys
Do you have a sister?
Nope.
What movie do you hate?
The Dark Knight Rises. Here’s me as Batman making fun of it.
What movie do you tell people you hate, but your sister loves?
The Non-Existent Sisterhood of the Traveling I Don’t Have a Sister.
What movie does your sister love, but you also love because you’re family?
The Other Sister, Sister Act, Sister Act Two: The Other Sister Act.
And to be clear, you do have a sister, right?
Did you fuck my sister?
Phew.
Is that a yes?
Phew?
HOW DARE YOU??!!?
Who’s bald these days?
Howie Mandel and everyone in that Alien movie with the guy who was the star of the sitcom Roc. Which one was that? Alien 3? They had to shave their heads.
How many mugs of Pepsi do you drink in an hour, ballpark?
I don’t drink soda. www.RawesomeVeegNeckTee.tumblr.com
Can you imagine a red computer?
ComputeRED.
If you had to choose one food to eat for the rest of your life, who would be making you do that?
Probably Mormon Jesus.
What is the best YouTube comment?
“This made me feel less alone for a moment. Also, UR GAY.”
What’s an example of a non-racist YouTube comment?
All YouTube comments are racist if you look hard enough.
What does a microphone taste like?
Pencil shavings you left wrapped in aluminum foil for two weeks.
Phonies or haters: who’s sexier?
I’m turned on by a hater with big phonies.
What was the last CD you bought?
AOL.
Have you always loved The Cranberries?
I prefer their opener, Urinary Tract Infection.
Favorite white person on In Living Color?
The least coordinated fly girl.
Favorite black person on Monday Night Football?
I love all black people.
Favorite Jewish person in the biz? Any biz.
I love all Jewish people.
Halls or Ricola?
I just open the window while driving through the Stephen King movie “The Mist.”
Do you want to stop these questions?
I could stop at any time. This and Tylenol PM. I’m in complete control.
Don’t you know these questions can stop any time you’d like?
Yes.
Chest hair’s making a comeback. Are you okay with this?
Back hair’s making a comechest. How do YOU feel about that?
What would you tell the you from 10 years ago?
Invent Yelp.
What would you like to tell the you 10 years from now?
Sell your Yelp stock to our robot overlords or they won’t stop whipping us.
What would you tell me 10 years ago?
Help me invent Yelp.
Hm. Really seems like you don’t know me that well.
Raw honey is good for you. If you heat it, you lose all the benefits. Also, honey bees are responsible for 6/10ths of our food supply yet we keep fucking them over. TAKE CARE OF OUR BEES.
How often do you exercise?
I only lie about flossing.
What goes on when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon get together?
They mostly talk about me, I’d suppose.
What conversations do you think Will and Jada have at night?
“No, YOU are legend.”
What couple would you like to have a dinner party with?
No couples. See my Craigslist listing.
What are you bringing to that dinner party?
I got your bottle of wine right here (grabs pants).
Don’t you think they’d have that already?
Some of them have had it already (high fives everyone).
This article was originally published August 2013
