K&A: Harris Wittels

Julie Klausner chats with Harris Wittels, a standup comic, a TV writer, and the inventor of #humblebrag. He's also Julie Klausner's interview subject.

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Julie Klausner: We've never met in real life. Is it weird that I've seen a photo of your penis?

Harris Wittels: It’d be weirder if you hadn’t seen a photo of my penis. There’s a ton of ‘em floating around out there.

JK: Pictures? Tee hee. Anyway, I must mention—I was so flattered that you read my book and you had the kindest thing to say about one of the smaller jokes in it. What prompted you to pick it up? I'm not fishing for a compliment (though if one falls in the boat, I wouldn't throw it back)—I'm just bemused you read it since you're not exactly the target audience? The target audience is ladies.

HW: I think growing up with an older sister made me a de facto lady at heart. I have seen every Sex and the City episode (was profoundly disappointed when Berger turned out to be a jerk). I had heard a lady friend of mine talk about how good the book was and I was in. It was a biography about someone loosely connected to me AND it was all about relationships?? Where do I sign!? … oh at the bottom of the receipt. Of course. Anyway, I completely enjoyed every dang word of it. So fun/sad/hilarious/real. I know you weren’t fishing, but you reeled in a marlin.

JK: Thank you, Harris Wittels. Now, enough about me—back to you! Were you a fan of Eastbound and Down before you began writing for it? What is that writers' room like?

HW: Eastbound was my all-time favorite show before I got to write on it for season 3. It was one of those shows that I hated as a writer because of how jealous I was and how it was everything I wanted to do. The writer’s room is every bit as fun as you’d think. It was Danny, Jody, a couple of other new writers and me. The first day I heard Danny pitch a joke for himself as Kenny Powers it blew my fucking mind. What was also great, was that nothing in the whole world was off limits to joke about in that writer’s room. (Was that lame? Like I’m trying to sound hardcore?)

JK: No, it's fine! So, Harris. You do a lot of different things—you're a standup, a TV writer, you act, you dance, you have a beautiful singing voice. Tell me: what did you do today? A "day in the life," if you will.

HW: My day to day life varies wildly depending on if I’m on a staff or not. When I am at Parks and Rec, I am up at 8am everyday and at work until about 9pm. However, during our three month hiatuses, I am a disgusting piece of garbage. I drank a ton last night, chased that with some vicodin, slept til one today and woke up only to fry some chicken. Though I did write for about two hours after that, so it wasn’t completely tragic.

JK: Mazel Tov! You play the part of "Harris" in the Sarah Silverman pilot. Did other actors audition for that role, even though it was (I assume) written for you? Do you think that must have been weird for them?

HW: This is impossible to not answer in Humblebrag form, but fuck it. I’m not sure if it was weird for the actors auditioning to play me, but it was definitely weird for me to audition to play me. I was getting notes on how to act more like myself, and the notes were correct is the weird part. I don’t know who I am evidently. Also, we did end up changing the name from Harris to Lloyd for the pilot, so that it at least sort of seems like I am actually acting.

JK: Do you have a favorite Humblebrag of all time? What makes it perfect?

HW: I’m not sure if I have an all-time favorite at this point. There have been thousands. I can say that my most recent favorite is this Steve Nash one: “1 of my fears is that my children's privileged life won't allow them to feel the same triumphs I've felt. And I wasn't poor. Hmmm.” A bit of a two-fer here. He asserts that not only is he privileged now, but that he grew up with money as well.

JK: Who do you hate following on Twitter but continue to follow, for guilt or out of obligation or for other reasons?

HW: Way too many political ramifications to mention. But, yeah, a ton. Everyone always talks about this “mute” function on Twitter, but I cant seem to find it. It’s like dry land in Waterworld.

JK: Is Facebook the worst? What about Instagram, what the fuck is that? Tumblr? Any thoughts?

HW: Facebook is great in terms of dating because you can see things you might not have discovered until date number 5. Like if their quote is by Jack Kerouac or the bible or something. Bullet dodged! Tumblr and Instagram feel like work to me. Count me out. 

“I was a slightly rebellious type who didn’t think school mattered much. And I was right. And that is what I would tell a teenager today: school does not matter.”

JK: Have you ever seen a ghost?

HW: Never seen a ghost, but I have accidentally sent an email before I was done writing it, which is equally as terrifying.

JK: Do you like Jewish girls?

HW: Very much so. I went to a Jewish sleepover camp for all of my prepubescent years, so most of my earliest sexual feelings were about summer camp Jewish girls. That shit sticks with you. That being said, I’m also into the girls of other religions (looking at you, Rastafarians).

JK: Are you going to continue writing for Parks & Recreation? What are some of the things you learned writing for that show? It was your first sitcom writing gig, is that correct? Or am I a fat dumb liar?

HW: I don’t think you are fat or dumb, but you are a liar.

JK: Thank you!!!!

HW: My first staff job was for The Sarah Silverman Program. So I learned so much at Sarah’s show, like how to write for TV. Then on Parks we were doing 22 episodes a season and learning under Greg Daniels and Mike Schur so that was like comedy writing school/boot camp. I learned so much about story and arcs and character development. Them dudes mad smart!

JK: What TV shows do you watch?

HW: I watch the obvious ones: your Mad Mens, your Game of Thrones, your Breaking Bads. Then I watch most reality stuffs. I’ll fuck with some Bachelor, House Wives (Jersey and Bev Hills predominately), Jersey Shore (not the new Pauly D spin-off. That shit is straight up boring). I just finished rewatching Six Feet Under for the second time. I’m not a huge sports guy, but I do love falling asleep to Sportscenter. It’s comforting.

JK: Was there a point during your comedic journey when you realized that you were more of a standup/writer than a "Character guy"? Or did I just insult you by not calling you a character guy? Is it worthwhile to make that distinction and to decide what you're good at and focus on it? Or to do everything you can?

HW: I’m not insulted. I am profoundly lazy, and doing characters and stuff takes so much effort. It’s way easier to just go be myself. On the flipside of that, I did do a lot of sketch stuff for many years, so I don’t think I’m like, the worst character guy. I can do a southern accent!

JK: Ooh! I know you are a fan of the band Phish. Did you ever like The Spin Doctors? Do you like them now?

HW: Why, do Phish sound like the Spin Doctors to you?  

JK: They seem to be in the same crunchy family.

HW: Frillz, my jamband in high school called “Pralines and Dik” (Wayne’s World ref) covered the song Two Princes by the Spin Doctors. That should tell you about all you need to know. And yes I still like that song. It’s catchy! Everyone else is wrong. Not me.

JK: Why don't you have a podcast? Is it legal for you not to have a podcast? It's like James Cromwell not being British, which my friend Alex pointed out was fucked up.

HW: James Cromwell isn’t British?!?? This interview is over. Okay, fine I’ll stay. I kind of sort do have a podcast actually. It’s called Analyze Phish where I attempt to get Scott Aukerman to like the band Phish. We only did 4 episodes, so I guess I don’t have that podcast anymore. Now, I don’t have one because I just found out James Cromwell isn’t British. 

JK: I'm sorry I had to break that news to you. Anyway, please describe the first time you did acid.

HW: I was at a high school dance sophomore year. My friends and I left the dance early and drove around in my friend’s station wagon listening to Weezer’s Pinkerton album all night (our sober friend was driving. Chill out). I sat in the way back in the hatch staring at traffic lights and having epiphanies about Pat Wilson’s drums on that album. Also, when the acid first came on in the school parking lot, I had what was probably the hardest 45 minute giggle fit I have ever had in my life. The entire world was funny to me. Truly magical. 

JK: What were you like as a teenager? What advice would you give teenagers today?

HW: I was a slightly rebellious type who didn’t think school mattered much. And I was right. And that is what I would tell a teenager today: school does not matter.

JK: Are you dating anybody right now? Please describe your dream date to me.

HW: I am not dating anyone, but I’m certainly not opposed to it. In the meantime I’m down to clown. My dream date definitely involves some degree of clowning.  Do you know anyone?

JK: Oh, yeah-- just this one clown, but she's not your type.

This article was originally published May 2012

Billy Eichner: The Tell-All Interview!

Finally, Billy is the one answering the questions. Luckily, they come from Julie Klausner.

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Julie Klausner: Hello Billy! How are you today?

Billy Eichner: Hey Julie! I'm great! On a plane from NY to LA. I'm watching America's Funniest Home Videos. This show is great. Plus I'm on sexy, edgy Virgin America so I'm also ordering a chickpea wrap and fingering myself.

JK: You grew up in New York City, or "Forest Hills, Queens," which is home to many rabbis, senior citizens, and perverts. Could Billy On The Street take place in any other city, or is there something special about NYC and its inhabitants that makes the show special?

BE: I always say that the real stars of Billy On the Street are its incredible, unpredictable contestants, better known as the people of New York City (and the occasional tourist). It's hard to imagine BOTS without them, and who'd want to? Besides Disney's Imagineers. That said, it'd be fun to experiment in other cities and I look forward to doing that at some point soon!

JK: Who do you think has a dirtier butthole, Daniel Tosh or Jodie Sweetin? Do you think Daniel Tosh calls his asshole his "Tosh.O"?

BE: Can I do a write-in vote for Serena Williams?

JK: Yes. Do you ever get nervous before you approach a stranger for the show? Did you used to? Do you ever feel guilty or invading people's space outside, even though it's for a good cause-- the cause of comedy?

BE: I don't really get nervous anymore but I did when I first started. I used to have to circle the block three times before I'd go up to anyone. Now I could probably walk right up to an old lady and dive into her vagina. (I won't.) Do I ever feel guilty? Not really, because I don't ever go up to anyone who I don't think is physically and/or mentally prepared to handle it. And if I notice that they are, I'll politely end the conversation and move on to the next person. And nobody gets on the TV show without signing a release so its really up to them in the end.

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JK: Haha. "In the end." What do you think Goldie Hawn regrets most?

BE: That time after a Laugh-In wrap party when she found herself in Lily Tomlin's sling. By the way, have you ever noticed that Lily Tomlin looks a wee bit like Javier Bardem?

JK: I have not! But thank you. Do you know Jay Leno wears the same thing every day? A denim shirt and jeans from Sears? How do you feel about that?

BE: I did not know Jay Leno wears the same thing every day but IF IT AIN'T BROKE, PLEASE DON'T TRY TO FIX IT.

JK: What kind of underwear do you think he puts on underneath those dungaroos? I've decided to call dungarees that from now on.

BE: If I had to guess I'd say that Jay Leno probably wears tighty whities, as does his wife Mavis.

JK: Fat Kathy Najimy versus Thin Kathy Najimy: Does it make a difference?

BE: I'll take Kathy Najimy any way I can get her. As long as Margaret Cho is happy, I'm happy.

JK: You are a gay person. And you are in comedy, which, until Bridesmaids turned everything around and retroactively made it so that Native American people were able to vote around the turn of the century and global warming never existed, was a pretty straight dude-dominated world. Do you think that comedy is getting to be more gay-friendly or woman-friendly as more people like us prove that we are actually gorgeously talented? Or is it a matter of audiences outgrowing institutions that are not longer relevant and would never hire us in the first place?

BE: LOL.

Just kidding. Yeah, I think it's partially that the world and the culture evolves and people have a hunger for new voices and fresh ideas and original, funny material. It's refreshing to viewers. People want something new and they want something funny. It's as simple as that. If we're not seeing those types of shows, it's because the "industry" is always underestimating the audience. So yes, to your point, old people are awful and must die immediately. Do not resuscitate! And I'm really proud that so far Billy on the Street has had an incredibly broad audience - in fact, more straight guys watch than women or gay guys. Black, white, straight, gay, Democrat, Republican - everyone just wants to get quizzed in the face!

JK: Have you ever seen Nunsense?

BE: Well...yes.

JK: Good. Please cast The Breakfast Club with black actors. Judd Nelson should be Don Cheadle, I think.

BE: Well I haven't seen The Breakfast Club in many years but black people love breakfast so I think it's a good idea. I see Kimberly Elise in the Molly Ringwald role and I think the Ally Sheedy part should be played by Reggie Watts.

JK: I disagree, but fine. Fuse is a music channel for young people. Do you know more about contemporary music than you did before you began working there? Who is David Guetta and what is a Skillrex?

BE: I've always been a big pop music fan so that's nothing new for me. I know everything about music. For instance, David Guetta is a DJ and probably the hottest remixer in the world right now and I'm pretty sure that Skrillex can be used instead of a traditional mop.

JK: What advice would you give a young person, once you are done having sex with him, who wants to be a comedian one day with his own TV show?

BE: Well, I'm sure it's not that different from advice others would give (I'm looking at you, Rachel Bilson!). We all know it's a very difficult career blah blah blah. But the great thing about being a comedian, sketch performer, etc is that, unlike some of our serious actor friends, we don't have to wait around begging people to give us a part. We can always be performing, blogging, tweeting, putting videos online etc. And that's a great thing. I wouldn't have a show if it wasn't for Youtube, Facebook, etc. My only semi-unique advice regarding that may sound obvious but it's true - make sure you work really hard on those videos, shows, etc. Don't just go throwing shit online because you can. Everybody has complete access to everything you do at all times. So work your ass off, make sure more people than just you and your friends think it's funny and make sure you can get behind the work you put out there. Oh - and lose weight! Lose, like, a shit ton of weight.

This article was originally published March 2012

K&A: Tom Scharpling

Julie Klausner chats with Tom Scharpling, writer and host of The Best Show on WMFU.

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Julie Klausner: By now, it's a comedy legend better ascribed to the Old Testament, but for those who don't know, please explain the origins of your partnership with Jon Wurster and how Rock Rot & Rule came about? 

Tom Scharpling: The Old Testament? I like that. Jon and I met a long long time ago - we started talking and we hit it off immediately. We were bonding over our mutual love of Get a Life and Chris Elliott, but the big breakthrough was when we realized that we each knew about an MTV VJ named Smash, who was an older guy the network hired for a very limited window - imagine an out of work classic rock DJ with a face like a catchers mitt trying to relate to 'the kids' - and once Jon and I started talking about Smash, we knew we'd be friends. 

Fast forward a few years and I am doing a music-based radio show on WFMU. I'm starting to do more talking and comedy on the air. Jon and I were talking on the phone and at the time Oprah was being sued by the beef industry for saying bad stuff about them on her show. She won the lawsuit and when she left the courtroom she said "freedom not only rules, it rocks!" Jon and I kept talking about how amazingly weird and hilarious her statement was, and then we started listing all the things that ruled and all the things that rocked. This evolved into us creating a character who wrote a book about which bands rocked and ruled, and we eventually decided to try it on my radio show. It was the first call-in Jon had ever done and it went ridiculously well for our first call.

JK: What are your thoughts on Chris Christie Post-Hurricane Sandy? 

TS: I still wouldn't vote for him but he definitely stepped up and did right by the people of the state. He was everywhere and was giving out hugs like they were food. The guy must be a really good hugger, right? And I will say that the first time he said something nice about Obama, I knew that Romney wasn't going to win the election. Christie is a smart dude and knew that if he played nice with Obama it would show the country that he could work with someone across the aisle. Although what was he supposed to do, tell Obama to take a hike because New Jersey doesn't need any help?! 

JK: How do you prepare for the show each week? I don't think people realize how much you have to map out the show and write the scripts for those calls with Jon. 

TS: Yeah, there's a lot of writing that goes into every episode. Jon and I do a lot of writing back and forth to get the calls in shape, and that can take a few days of kicking ideas around and getting them into shape, trying to make sure there are laughs and twists and surprises in the call. We work hard to make sure we're not repeating ourselves. It's a tightrope, trying to move the narrative of a caller forward - especially a recurring character - while keeping it grounded in some fashion. 

JK: What do you love most about doing The Best Show? 

TS: I love that no matter how much preparation I do - outside of the Scharpling & Wurster calls, I do a lot of writing for the rest of the show - there are moments when I'm inside of it, just saying whatever thoughts pop into my head out loud into the microphone as I'm thinking them. When a theme or a subject sparks something and I start talking about it and mine it for laughs in front of all the listeners and when that new idea pops up, it is the greatest feeling ever. 

JK: Who is your least favorite resident of the Hate Pit currently? 

TS: Wow, that's a hard one. I think the funniest one is that I threw both Brian Wilsons in - the Beach Boys genius and the pitcher for the San Francisco Giants. I can't remember why the pitcher is in there, but I know the Beach Boy is in because he isn't releasing a concept album he once proposed called Pleasure Island, which sounded like the most awesome concept ever. I think Jeff Garlin is in because he made fun of Kanye West on the Tonight Show? He can come out and Kanye can take his place!

JK: What have you learned from directing so many awesome music videos? 

TS: I have learned to make my ideas even more concise than I thought I had learned to make them as a TV writer. And I've learned that, at the risk of sounding like a blowhard, I think I can actually direct! I will never be a director who argues about lenses with the DP, but I know what's funny and I think I know how to stage it and how to get funny performances out of actors. 

JK: What are you watching on TV lately? 

TS: I'm watching a lot of Sons of Anarchy, which is pure torture and joy simultaneously. You know how when Breaking Bad or The Sopranos would suddenly say "only two episodes left this season" and you'd be like "What?!?! Already!?!" This show is the opposite - they have been doing these 90 minute super-sized episodes and there never seems to be any end in sight. It's a show that keeps getting more violent and "edgy" to the point where it seems like it's improvised. Except for the fact that the plot is so elaborate that it has turned into the motorcycle version of those Star Wars prequels where so much time was spent discussing trade federations and embargoes - it's a biker gang doing C-SPAN at this point. But I must love it because I keep watching!

JK: How did you happen upon Gary Tha Squirrel, and is it true that doing the voice of - and activating – that puppet on your show is the thing that brings you the most joy in life?

TS: Yeah, Gary is pretty awesome. It's as much fun as I think I could ever have. When Vance the Puppet got added to the show, he had mentioned that he had a roommate. My wife spotted a rack of puppets at a bookstore and we looked for his roommate. And there was this squirrel puppet that was SO expressive and hilarious - it looks like he's smiling all the time. I tried the puppet out and the voice just showed up and it's been the greatest since then. 

JK: You're idolized by your listeners, who tend to look up to you as a father figure, or a cult leader sometimes! How is that flattering and how is it maybe not so great sometimes? 

TS: It's very flattering that people have developed some level of affection or respect or whatever for me. I am truly touched by it. The only time is isn't so great is when people look to me to have answers that I just don't have - I'm still struggling to figure things out myself!

JK: Tell me about where you were at when you went to Luna Lounge in the 90s, and how you figured out what your place was in - or outside - of that community. 

TS: It was a weird scene to jump into. All of these talented people swirling around this scene, and they were just RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU. Seeing Marc Maron go up every Monday night and do stuff, whether it was hilarious or sad or angry - or some version of all three - was a great lesson in building something larger than an individual performance. He was documenting where he was at in front of an audience once a week; I'm sure that rubbed off on me to some degree with The Best Show. 

Seeing some of the bits that Jon Benjamin and Jon Glaser did were like a rush of oxygen - they did whatever they wanted no matter what people thought of it. Another huge influence.

JK: Please share with us something we should know about basketball this year. 

TS: I am truly surprised by how good the Knicks have been at the outset of the season. They are soooo old - dudes literally coming out of retirement to join the team! - and it might not last, but there's something heartening about watching them play team basketball and seeing them win as a team. And Carmelo Anthony is so much fun to watch when he's on - nobody can score like he can!

JK: Why is basketball "The Best Game"? You've said this on the radio a couple of times. Is it the simplicity? 

TS: I think it's that unlike most other sports the players aren't wearing helmets or masks or any sort of headgear. You get to know who they are out there because you are seeing their faces in full. They become characters. And yeah, the simplicity helps a ton too; basketball is a simple game that is very complex.

JK: I think it's that unlike most other sports the players aren't wearing helmets or masks or any sort of headgear. You get to know who they are out there because you are seeing their faces in full. They become characters. And yeah, the simplicity helps a ton too; basketball is a simple game that is very complex.

TS: I ultimately figure that what I do on the radio is some version of who I actually am, but certain elements are clearly heightened or exaggerated and other elements are not represented as much. Yeah, I chose to call my dog Dogmo on the radio even though that wasn't her name - Dogmo became a nickname that might as well have been her name - because I don't want to hand everything in my life over to the radio show in bulk. I ultimately give all of myself over to the show, but I am also living in a comedic bubble when I'm doing the show. Trust me, nobody would want to hear me bare the unvarnished dark corners of my life. I'd rather varnish them and find a way to express the core of what they are in a manner that is also entertaining. 

JK: You've done more and more interviews, since starting Low Times, the music podcast you do with Daniel Ralston & Maggie Serota. What do you go into an interview with, and what are your goals with it? I thought the one you did on Best Show recently with Chris Elliot & Adam Resnick was one of the best talks I've ever heard. 

TS: Doing the Low Times podcast with Daniel and Maggie has been a great experience because I've had a chance to sit down and talk to people who I would never have an opportunity to talk to otherwise. Getting to talk to Dave Wyndorf from Monster Magnet - a band that I have always liked but people would assume I didn't have a lot in common with - and hear his amazing stories about playing for Norman Mailer and Woody Allen - is as great an experience as I've ever had. Everybody has at least a few great stories, and getting them to share them with the world is a pleasure. 

And thank you for your nice words about the Chris Elliott/Adam Resnick show! That was another highlight of my life. Chris has been someone who I have admired for the bulk of my life and to have him hang out on the radio and answer questions about Get a Life or Letterman or Cabin Boy and to have him laugh at things I said will never not blow my mind. 

JK: Do you have any messages for the ten million comedians doing podcasts? 

TS: I'm coming for you. Get out now while the getting is good.

JK: Thank you Tom! I love you!

TS: You're welcome! I love you too! Wait, was this a question?

This article was originally published December 2013

K&A: Joe Mande

Julie Klausner chats with Joe Mande, a successful writer & standup, and a rapscallion on Twitter and a must-follow.

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Julie Klausner: Hi Joe Mande! How are you liking living in Los Angeles so far?

Joe Mande: Los Angeles is good, thank you! I got a Prius and an apartment in Los Feliz.  I’m settling into an exciting new cliché!

JK: What will you miss least about your old neighborhood in Brooklyn?

JM: I’ve been away from Brooklyn for only two months, but already miss it very much. However, what I definitely don’t miss are the Brooklyn sidewalks, which seem to be constantly littered with an almost defiant amount of dog shit and used condoms. 

JK: When will your dog, Blanche be joining you in California? Do you think she will like LA? 

JM: I’m very excited for Blanche to become a California resident. Dogs just seem happier here. What LA lacks in used condoms on the sidewalk (her #2 favorite thing in the world), it more than makes up for in sunshine (her #1 favorite thing).

JK: Tell me about your friend JoeMande on OKCupid. Who do you think would be a good match for him, romantically?

JM: JoeMande is an enormous black man living in Norway whom I found recently online while googling myself. He seems pretty chill. If there is a massive Norwegian Nubian princess on OKCupid, I hope they find one another.

JK: I know you’re working for Parks & Rec now. Do you follow politics in general? I know that show isn’t really about politics. It is a workplace comedy! But I am using it as a point of departure.

JM: I follow many politicians on Twitter. Does that count?

JK: Yes. What do you think of Paul Ryan?

JM: He seems nice, but his views on women’s reproductive rights and the role of government in general frighten me and should prevent him from becoming the Vice President of the United States. That being said, I do think he looks like he could manage the fuck out of an Applebee’s.

JK: What is your Brunch order?

JM: That’s probably the hardest question to answer. Like, in life. I wish I could eat brunch for every meal. French toast is always a pretty safe bet. Sometimes I go crazy and get chicken and waffles. Or just a biscuit with cream cheese and hot pepper jelly. A lot of the time I just  want to stuff my face with baked eggs, you know? If a place knows how to make a good roasted tomato, fucking forget about it. (I could go on for another 8 pages, but will stop as a gesture of respect to your other questions.)

JK: That is wonderful. What was the last thing you looked at on the internet while you were high?

JM: I had recently developed a bad habit of watching a lot of open-heart surgeries on YouTube, but then my girlfriend requested that I stop doing that. I believe the last stoned YouTube rabbit hole I went down was watching all the various theme songs to Martin and the Cosby Show. Really great stuff. 

JK: What’s the whitest thing about you?

JM: I have a season pass for Meet the Press on my DVR.

JK: What were you like in junior high?

JM: I was about four feet tall, rollerbladed to school, masturbated constantly, wore Smashing Pumpkins and Beastie Boys t-shirts, and was elected student council president.

JK: Why don’t you have a podcast? Is that legal? You’re a standup comedian in LA.

JM: Well, I’ve noticed that the only things I talk about on a regular basis are: sneakers, coffee, The Newsroom, and the racial makeup of the Minnesota Timberwolves. I feel bad subjecting my friends to these conversations. I can’t even imagine recording myself and expecting strangers to listen to them.

JK: Do you like cats or do you think they are dumb?

JM: I get that cats are low maintenance, which is great. But the only cool cats I’ve ever met were the ones that acted like dogs. So just get a dog. I’m speaking to you specifically, Julie. I want you to get a dog.

JK: I WANT TO GET A DOG! I will get a dog when I inevitably move to LA. Until then, it’s Cats, Cats, Cats! Anyway. Please tell the world what you and your awesome girlfriend Kylie say to Blanche when she misbehaves.

JM: When Blanche acts up we say, “Time out, Blanche” and she runs into the bathroom and stares sadly into our bathtub.

JK: HAAHAHA! I love that. I miss you! This isn’t a question. 

JM: I miss you too. Am I getting fat? That is a question.

JK: No!!!!!

This article was originally published October 2012

K&A: Jackée Harry

Julie Klausner chats with Jackée Harry, you probably know her from 227, Ladybugs, and being fabulous.

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Julie Klausner: Hello Jackée! Thank you for joining me for this interview. What are you doing this very moment? Please give our readers a sense of your current setting. You don’t have to tell them what you’re wearing, though that would certainly help.

Jackée Harry: Picture it: Beverly Hills. 2012. Yours truly has just settled into bed wearing a raw silk negligée and grabs her Kindle, longing to discover the 49th shade of the Fifty Shades Of Gray, while sipping on a delicious glass of Perrier-Jouët when suddenly, the phone rings. Enraged by the interruption, an agitated Jackée begins this interview. How’s that for my setting?

JK: Absolutely perfect! And I’m sorry to agitate. So, you are a hilariously funny actress. Who did you watch growing up and wanting to emulate? I know you’re a Lucille Ball fan.

JH: Yes, Lucy was an inspiration, as well as Rosalind Cash, Diahann Carroll, and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (for whom I was named after).

JK: Any female comedians or comic performers you’re a huge fan of? Besides me, obviously?

JH: There are so many amazing comediennes out there! Some of my faves are you, of course, along with Jenny Johnson, Rachel Dratch, Lisa Lampanelli, Kathy Griffin, Wanda Sykes, Ellen Degeneres, Luenell, Joan Rivers, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy and Tina Fey. 

JK: How did your career change after you won your Emmy?

JH: I added a few zeroes to my net worth, and discovered which of my accountants were genuinely honest people. None of them! In all seriousness, it was a career highlight, but a lonely experience for me.

JK: Do you find that people want you to be as sassy and man-hungry as Sandra from 227? What are some important differences between you and Sandra? Both of you have gorgeous breasts.

JH: Of course, people expect me to BE ‘Sandra.’ That’s absolutely ridiculous; we are NOTHING alike. Sandra kept a little black book, whereas I rely on my little Blackberry.

JK: Are you addicted to anything?

JH: Yes, being faaaaabulous! But I’m taking it one diamond at a time-- I mean, day. 

JK: That’s a sound philosophy. Tell me about the new projects you have on your horizon! I know you’re working on a new sitcom, First Family for Byron Allen’s production company?

JH: Yes, I taped the pilot for that series with Gladys Knight, Marla Gibbs, Kellita Smith, Christopher B. Duncan, and John Witherspoon. I’m also doing a play with Marla, Let The Church Roll On, and just shot a film with Dan Garcia and Clifton Powell. My very own product line may be hitting stores soon also. I’m not ready to reveal what type of products yet, but you’ll be one of the first to know.

JK: I love products! Speaking of Byron Allen, have you ever seen an episode of Comics Unleashed?

JH: YES, and that show is a Godsend! Before then comics were so… leashed? 

JK: Agreed. What is it like working with Gladys Knight?

JH: Working with Gladys is perhaps one of the most enjoyable experiences I’ve had in my career. She’s humble, reverent…a true legendary talent. Not to mention, she travels with an entourage of gorgeous men she calls “Pips.” What’s not to love?

JK: What makes you laugh?

JH: When funny thangs are heard, endorphins are released within my brain and the zygomatic and risorius muscles found in my face contract, resulting in a stunning smile. Then my vocal cords vibrate uncontrollably forcing a burst of air out of my mouth, which produces a “hahahaha” sound.

JK: I love a technical answer. What’s your cocktail?

JH: Grey Goose… chilled.

JK: How often do you Google yourself?

JH: I never Google myself, but I Bing myself at least twice a day.

JK: Brilliant. What websites do you visit before noon?

JH: myidriselba.com and zaxbys.com. LOVE them chicken tenders. 

JK: What’s the most scandalous thing you’ve done today alone?

JH: I plead the fifth. Let’s just say it involves a strappy pair of Christian Louboutins, whipped topping, and solar panels. 

JK: That’s very green! Tell me something people wouldn’t generally know about you.

JH: I ALWAYS wake up looking fucking fabulous. Without failure.

JK: Of course. Can you share a particularly tender memory of working with Rodney Dangerfield?

JH: The entire experience of working with Rodney was great. I miss him dearly. 

JK: Who, besides your son, is the love of your life?

JH: All three of my husbands, and my Emmy, first name- Edwin.

JK: You have one of the longest and most diverse careers of anyone working—what advice would you give to people who are in between jobs and don’t want to give into feeling too blue or inactive?

JH: Keep the faith and cast all of your troubles upon a full sleeve of Golden Oreos.

JK: Golden Oreos! Interesting. Moving on—when you tweet that you’re getting your #CardioGroove on, what does that generally mean? The Elliptical? Sex?

JH: Aren’t they one in the same, darling? 

JK: Have you ever slept with one of your fans?

JH: Hell no! I always have them leave before dawn.

JK: What’s something you’d love to do in your career?

JH: Idris Elba. 

JK: Thank you Jackée! I love you—you are my absolute favorite!

JH: I love you MOST, Jules. Thank you! xox

This article was originally published July 2012