With superhero movies being rebooted faster and faster these days, it seems like only a matter of time before every director in Hollywood gets a chance to do their own ‘Batman' movie. Nolan and Burton have had their turn, but here’s what Batman might look like in the hands of several other preeminent directors.
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Much like many celebrities these days, photographer Terry Richardson has published his own children's book.
Read MoreA Gentleman’s Guide To Purchasing Illegal Drugs
When purchasing consumer products, it is imperative to maintain certain societal standards. The same rules apply when procuring that good shit.
- First, determine which manner of illicit drug you wish to imbibe by hiring a peasant boy to try every narcotic, stimulant, and psychotropic on the market.
- Carefully observe each substance’s effect on the young street urchin - whichever puts him in the gayest mood, and does not kill him, is the drug for you. I have decided to go with sniffing salts, aka “cocaine."
- Have the street boy arrested for soliciting illegal drugs. Poor people should not break the law.
- Next, you’ll need to find a Drugsmith, also known as a “dealer." Do not go with any of the dealers used by your urchin boy, however, as he is a felon and therefore untrustworthy.
- In order to secure a proper Drugsmith, you must first officially announce your intention to buy drugs. Do this by throwing a large gala at your home, country club or polo grounds.
- To command the attention of potential drug-sellers in attendance, clink your teaspoon against a brandy snifter exactly three times, curtsey, then say the words “I am interested in purchasing illegal drugs."
- At this point, the drugsmiths will line up by height, and each will be given five minutes to pitch his wares. Each drugsmith will try his best to woo you with fleeting glances, weekend trips to the country, and whispered promises of “the good shit," but only you can decide which peddler is right for you.
- Once you’ve selected your drugsmith, it is customary to introduce him to your parents. If they approve of his upbringing, where he attended grad school, and how many horses he owns, you may proceed with your drug deal.
- Before receiving the drugs, you must now convince your drugsmith that you are not a “narc." A narc is an impish knave who seduces drugsmiths into thinking he is chill and down to smoke or do blow, but, in actuality, he is a policeman in disguise. If your drugsmith asks “Are you a cop?”, you should respond by reciting the following limerick:
“A cop is fop and I must decree / I am no more a cop than I am a tree! / for a tree’s made of wood and a cop just bacon / I am down as a clown, sir, and I ain’t fakin’!”
If that doesn’t work, just say “I am not a cop." - Next, your drugsmith will ask you what denomination of drugs you would like to purchase. Illegal drugs are typically doled out in the following denominations: one lump, two lumps, a bushel, a peck, or a carriage-load.
- Once you have purchased your desired amount of sniffing salts, smoking soils or shooting savories, you may bid farewell to your drugsmith with a gentle kiss on the forehead.
- Now, immediately throw your newly-purchased bag of drugs into the nearest trashcan. Illegal drug-buying is done merely for sport In high society, and it is seen as uncouth to ingest one’s own score. If one still wishes to get fucked up, he simply eats a bunch of prescription pills, like a gentleman.
LEARN MORE ABOUT BEING A GENTLEMAN:
The Horndogs of Art History: PAUL GAUGUIN
In 1891, renowned French painter Paul Gauguin famously travelled to Tahiti to “create pure, primitive art”... or so he claimed. The Gauguin estate recently released several never-before-seen, original titles of Gauguin’s paintings, which suggest that the artist was actually just a dirty horndog, hell-bent on ogling Tahitian babes all day.
Below are the original titles of Gauguin’s Tahitian women paintings, all of which were changed after being deemed “too horny” for most art galleries.
CLICK ON EACH PHOTO BELOW FOR ITS ORIGINAL TITLE
Stay tuned for our next installment of “Horn dogs of Art History”:
PABLO PICASSO
How to Pleasure Yourself Like a Gentleman
When making love to a woman, it is important to behave like a gentleman. The same rules apply when making love to yourself.
Take it Slow
A gentleman mustn’t rush right into sex with himself, as this would be brutish and uncouth. A gentleman must first woo his penis.
Display Common Courtesy
Politeness is key. A gentleman always tips his hat before lowering his pants.
Avoid Discussing Politics or Religion
Your penis may be standing erect, but you don’t know where it stands on the issues, so keep the conversation light.
Be Attentive
Ask your penis, “How was your day?” If it responds, “Hard,” be sure to laugh, as your penis has just made a funny joke.
Call Your Father and Ask for His Blessing
A gentleman always asks his penis’s father’s permission before pleasuring himself. This should be easy since your penis’s father is also your father, so you probably have his number.
Use a Gentle Touch
A gentleman is never rough with his penis. A gentleman is firm yet tender, and always puts his penis’s needs before his own. Never bend or break your penis.
Display Old-Fashioned Chivalry
When pleasuring yourself on a sidewalk or by the side of the road, be sure your penis is furthest away from traffic. This makes the penis feel protected, and reduces your risk of being hassled by the 5-0.
Never Let Another Man Touch Your Penis
Your penis belongs to you and you alone. If another man tries to seduce your penis, you must defend its honor. If it comes to fisticuffs, be sure to tuck your penis between your legs where it will be safe.
Never Let a Woman Touch Your Penis
A gentleman finds women confusing and scary, and therefore, highly uncouth. If a woman attempts to besmirch your penis’s good name by placing her hands on it, scream, “No!” and run away as fast as you can (being careful not to alert the 5-0, because of your priors).
Never Let a Cop Near Your Penis
A gentleman will often find himself nude on the side of the road being tased by the pigs for resisting arrest. In this situation, a gentleman must never allow himself to be tased directly on the penis or ballsac. Not only is it highly improper, it hurts real bad. A gentleman should instead raise his nude buttocks skyward, so that they absorb the brunt of the tasing, and cry until the pigs feel sorry for him.
Your Penis Is Too Pretty for Jail
It is imperative that a gentleman do all he can to keep his beautiful penis out of prison (a very uncouth place indeed), even if it means slicin’ up some Bacon, if you catch this gentleman’s drift. Oink, OINK, motherfuckers.
Always Be Polite While on the Run in Mexico
After knifing those piggies and makin’ ’em squeal real good, a gentleman will want to hot-wire their squad car and make a speedy getaway. Opening the door for his penis first, a gentleman should gun it, blowing all red lights, until he reaches sweet freedom in Mexico. Upon beginning your new life as a gringo fugitive, you’ll want to start pleasuring yourself again right away. It is important to remember that adapting to a new language in a foreign land is no excuse for behaving like anything less than a gentleman. When screaming in Español at the local boy you pay to keep an eye out for the Donut Patrol while you pleasure yourself on a Mexican back road, be sure to mind your manners:
Incorrect: “¡Oye chico, gritar si ves a la policía!” (“Hey kid, holler if you see the 5-0!”)
Correct: “¡Oye chico, por favor, gritar si ves a la policía. Gracias!” (“Hey kid, please holler if you see the 5-0. Thank you!”)
Make an Honest Penis of Your Penis
By now, you and your penis have been through a great deal together, and it’s time to make things official. That’s right, it’s time for you and your penis to be married. Keeping an eye out for roving members of La Nuestra Familia, a prominent gang at the Mexican prison where you are currently incarcerated, get down on one knee, take your penis in hand, look directly into its eye, and ask it, “Will you marry me?”. If your penis says, “I will,” you may then go to the warden with the good news and begin making arrangements for your gala prison wedding. If your penis says nothing, however, the answer, sadly, is no. A gentleman must respect his penis’s wishes, whatever they may be.
So there you have it! Follow these steps and before you know it, you too can be crouched on the floor of a Mexican prison cell, proposing to your own penis like a true gentleman.
LEARN MORE ABOUT BEING A GENTLEMAN:
Best App Of The Month: Shazam for Kazaam
Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.
ABOUT THE APP: Shazam for Kazaam
Tells you whether or not you’re currently watching the 1996 Shaquille O’Neal film, Kazaam (89% accurate). New features in latest update: Share results on Facebook, Twitter, and Grindr. Locate the nearest Blockbuster location that would have once rented Kazaam and films like it.
INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP
REVIEWS FROM THE APP STORE:
★★★★☆ dAnNyHEARTwalkingDEAD
Use it Constantly
I used to rely on mere guesswork to determine whether or not I was watching the movie Kazaam. Now I’m Shazam-for- Kazaaming three to four times a week and loving it!
★★★★★ WeeMusician24601
I’ve gotten my confidence back
I used to always look foolish in front of women and coworkers by wrongly declaring “This movie is Kazaam” when I was actually watching Aladdin or Blue Chips or just looking out the window at a very tall man. This app has been a game-changer for me. My newfound confidence in what is and isn’t Kazaam has led to a big promotion at work and tons more stamina in the sack.
★☆☆☆☆ HeyCHETComeLook11
Racist App! Thinks Stringer Bell actor is Shaq!!!
My coworker was watching what turned out to be the trailer for the Nelson Mandela biopic, Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom. After Shazam-for-Kazaaming it, I foolishly said, "Hey, Kazaam! I love this movie!" This incident coupled with my two previous racially charged infractions, ended up getting me fired from my job.
This article was originally published November 2013
MORE BEST APPS of the Month:
Donaldson Family Newsletter
This article was originally published November 2013
Yelp Review: adultfriendfinder.com
WARNING! FALSE ADVERTISING!!!
I recently logged on to this website because I needed help finding an adult friend. His name is Tom, he is 31 years old, and he has been missing since August 29th, 2013. After spending $19.95 on this bogus service, my adult friend has STILL not been found!
With the police investigation producing no leads and zero witnesses coming forward with information, I was at a serious loss for how to locate my adult friend. It seems that in today’s “Amber Alert” culture, with so much attention focused on finding our missing child friends, adult-friend-finding has largely been pushed to the back burner (thanks, Obama). So you can imagine my pleasant surprise when I stumbled across a website called “AdultFriendFinder.com.” I thought to myself “finally, a service catering to my specific needs.” Boy, was I ever wrong.
Despite my situation meeting ALL of the criteria laid out in this website’s incredibly misleading name (Tom is a full-grown adult, a true friend, and in serious need of finding), Adult Friend Finder was completely unhelpful in locating him. And this was through no lack of trying on my part. I was as specific as possible within the confines of their strangely lighthearted and randy search terms. Since I am also a man, I selected “man seeking man” for “casual fun” (figuring that a casual, fun night in with his loved ones could be quite helpful to Tom’s most-likely-shattered psyche). I clicked “search” and waited.
At this point, I became VERY confused. The results were nothing but photos of men in various states of undress AND arousal. How is this relevant to locating missing adults?! I found it very odd that the families of these men would provide such racy, downright pornographic photos of their missing loved ones, but there was no time to sit in judgment. I had an adult friend to find.
I soon received a message from a “HungYoungWolf_44” asking if I wanted to “party.” I obliged, assuming that meant organizing a search party. I told Hung Young (who, based on his name, I assumed to be of Japanese and German descent – he wasn’t) to meet me that evening at the men’s room in the park (the site of Tom’s disappearance) and to bring a flashlight, rope and whatever other tools he’d need to get the job done. He arrived with a sack full of devices alright, but they all seemed better suited for searching in a person than for a person. The two of us had sex and it was great, but this did NOT bring me any closer to finding my adult friend, Tom.
I would recommend this site for the sex ONLY. For missing persons cases, definitely go to the police or at least HornyPolice.com.
[2.5 stars because of the sex]
This article was originally published October 2013
How to Make a Prank Call
Illustration by Justin Bilicki
Congratulations! You’ve decided to make a prank phone call...but now what? The questions of who to call, what to say and “What exactly is a prank phone call anyway?” can be a little overwhelming. Prank phone calls don’t have to be a chore though - in fact, they can be fun! All you have to do is follow these simple rules:
Plan Ahead
Remember You Are Lying
Amusement Suppression
Nourishment
Keep At It!
P
lan Ahead
Before diving in, take a moment to plan out who you want to call and what you want to say. A typical prank call usually involves two people: the Pranker (you) and the Prankee (the person being pranked). This person is also known as a mark.* Your mark can be literally anyone; a friend, a pastor, an uncle (though uncles are notorious kidders themselves and can therefore be hard to kid) or even a complete stranger - it’s up to you! With prank phone calls, you’re in the driver’s seat.
*does not have to be someone namd Mark
When you’ve selected your mark, think about something that might surprise, irk or befuddle that person in particular. At this point, it’s important to remember that prank calls are different from regular calls. For example, let’s say that your friend, we’ll call him “Marc,” likes basketball and you’d like to somehow incorporate that into your call. Great! But there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it:
The Wrong way:
YOU: “Hello, Marc? This is [your real name]. Did you catch the Pacers game last night on TBS? It was a great one, right? Okay, talk to you later, Marc.”
This is NOT a prank phone call! Sure, it may have been a pleasant conversation tailored to the recipient’s interests, but in order for it to be a prank call, there must be at least some added element of mischief or deception. Notice how the caller used their real name? Right off the bat, the caller has greatly limited his pranking potential by divulging his true identity to the Prankee.
The RIGHT way:
YOU: “Hello, Marc? Hi, it’s Michael Jordan...yes, Michael Jordan the basketball player. I’m outside in your driveway right now, wanna shoot some baskets with me and Scott Pippen?
This brings us to the next rule:
R
emember you are lying
You are not Michael Jordan.* You’re simply pretending to be Michael Jordan in order to trick or “prank” your friend. This is where the humor comes in. The idea that the world’s greatest basketball superstar would call up your presumably average, non-superstar friend to play some one-on-one in his or her driveway is highly unrealistic and therefore comical. But be warned: after saying it over and over, you may begin to believe you are Michael Jordan; it’s important to remember that you are only pretending. This brings us to our next rule...
* if you are Michael Jordan, please see section C below
Section C (for Michael Jordan Use Only)
If you are reading this, you are NBA superstar Michael Jordan. First ofall, big congrats on all of your success! You are easily one of the best basketball players of all time...but if you want to become a prank call superstar, you'll want to follow these simple rules:
Double Down
Use A Different Name
Never Say You Are Michael Jordan
Keep At It
*Double Down*
If the person on the other end challenges your claim that you are anyone other than Michael Jordan (say you claimed to be Tom Cruise*, for example), simply double down. Remember, in a prank call, the Pranker calls the shots and sets the tone. Stick to your guns and use specifics to support your claim that you are Tom Cruise. Try something your mark cannot dispute, like "Then how come I was in Mission Impossible 3?" or "But I am the Top Gun."
**you are not Tom Cruise*
*Use a Different Name*
Michael Jordan is a great prank name for most, but it is NOT a good one for you - it is arguably the worst one for you because that is who you really are.
*Never Say You Are Michael Jordan*
As Michael Jordan, you have a lot to be proud of and it's only natural to want to tell the world of your real-life accomplishments, however, now is not the time to show off. You must fully commit to whatever fake, non-Michael Jordan persona you establish at the outset, regardless of their basketball-playing abilities or superstar status. Once you've hung up, you may then feel free to resume discussion of your past successes with your loved ones or pastor.
*Keep At It*
Inevitably, your first few times out, you will spill the beans and reveal that you are in fact Michael Jordan - but keep your chin up! You didn't score 69 points against the Cleveland Cavaliers in 1992 without practice and the same applies to making a successful prank call.
Amusement Suppression
With all the stress involved in making a prank call, it’s important to remember to have FUN out there! After all, at the end of the day, you are doing this for your own amusement, right? And though it’s important to take time to appreciate the sheer joy of the prank call, from time to time, you may actually become so overcome by amusement that you’ll be tempted to chuckle, chortle or guffaw at your own Prantics (prank call antics). Whatever you do, DO NOT LAUGH OPENLY; this is a quick way to tip off your mark that something’s up. If you do feel a laugh coming on, here are some fun ways to “suppress it while you express it!”
- cover your mouth and/or the phone’s receiver
- hold the phone far away from your face (up to 3 feet)
- bite down on your lip (stop if you begin to draw blood)
- playfully nudge a nearby friend, family member, or pastor
Nourishment
No good prank call has ever been made on an empty stomach, so be sure to stock
up on plenty of almonds, steak, bananas and red vines, all of which have been proven to bolster the body’s pranking abilities.
Keep at it
Remember, in life, you are going to fail over and over again. The same is true of making prank phone calls. Most seasoned pranksters have to make dozens, even hundreds of prank calls before their first successful one. So, if a prank call isn’t working out,
don’t stress out! Simply apologize, admit that you are not Michael Jordan,* hang up
and try again.
*unless you are, in which case you should admit that you ARE Michael Jordan
There you have it! With a little patience, the support of your loved ones and pastor, and these easy-to-follow rules, you’ll be pranking in no time! If you have further questions or concerns, please feel free to email me at MICHAELJORDAN@YOUJUSTGOTPRANKED.EDU, SUCKERS. *click*
This article was originally published May 2013