I am finding it hard to live with my roommate, Fuckbot XXXtreme. My main problem is that he never stops fucking. He fucks at all hours of the day. He fucks at all hours of the night. Every night. He fucks dozens of sexual partners per week, often many at the same time — he has countless penises, vaginas, anuses, mouths, nipples, and various other prongs and orifices for which there are no human equivalents. The fucking is always extremely loud.
Read MoreThe Adventures of a Female Super Hero
When the fighting finally finished half the town lay in ruins, but she had won. Galaxis, Earthʼs greatest hero and guardian of humanity, staggered to her feet. Her blue cape was tattered, her silver polymer jumpsuit scorched with countless laser burns.
Read MoreGuess the Mystery Celeb!
Test your knowledge and use the clues below!
- This MYSTERY CELEB recently released a racy video in which she appeared naked riding a “wrecking ball.”
- This MYSTERY CELEB “twerked” at the VMAs, which my have offended
- her father, Billy Ray Cyrus.
- When this MYSTERY CELEB becomes happy, her facial expression
- can be described as s”miley.”
- This MYSTERY CELEB was the star of the Disney TV show
- Hannah Montana, in which she played a character named Miley.
- An anagram of this MYSTERY CELEB’s name is “Miley Cyurs.”
- This MYSTERY CELEB often tweets from her Twitter handle, @MileyCyrus.
CAN YOU GUESS THE MYSTERY CELEB?!?
This article was originally published November 2013
Around Town: Will and Jaden Play Ball!
Celebs are hitting the town and making a scene!
Will and Jayden Smith are two of Hollywood’s hottest stars, but that doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy a good game of catch just like any other father and son! This Tuesday, the After Earth costars spent an hour tossing the ol’ horsehide around in Los Angeles’ Griffith Park!
“Look at us, having such fun throwing and catching this base ball,” Will Smith told dozens of gathered reporters. “My biological son, Jaden Smith, and I enjoy spending time together just as normal fathers and sons do. Woo! Good catching of that ball, my little son!”
Fifteen-year-old Jaden says even though their movie-star schedules can sometimes be demanding, he and his dad always find time to spend together! “We go to films. We eat ice creams. We do the fishing. We discuss females,” Jaden said while posing with his bat and ball for the cameras. “None of our behavior is alarming. There is no need to question it.”
After playing catch, Will and Jaden spent several minutes horsing around and making silly faces as reporters snapped photos. “Ha! Ha! I am feeling the emotion called happiness!” shouted Will. “See how we are able to touch each other’s skin without even gloves or masks?”
“You are a man that I trust, father!” said Jaden while spinning in circles.
Before long, playtime was over and Will and Jaden had to get back to work. “Go now. Report to the masses what you have seen here,” Will told reporters as he and Jaden stepped into their transportation pod. “They have been trained to believe you.”
This article was originally published November 2013
Get The Look: Nicki Minaj!
Breaking down Nicki Minaj’s effortless style
HAIR
Woah. Okay.
MAKEUP
Lots.
EYELASHES
Aack.
EARRINGS
Good God, woman.
NECKLACE
Yeesh.
TOP
Is that what that is?
BRACELETS
Holy mackerel.
SPARKLY THINGS
Not even sure… what…
those are.
LEGGINGS
Aye caramba.
TATTOOS
Uh… cool?
FINGERNAILS
Really?
LIPSTICK
Ooooooooookay.
SHOES
Just… just stop.
This article was originally published October 2013
Around Town: Justin's Unbelieberble Bod!
CELEBS ARE HITTING THE TOWN AND MAKING A SCENE!
Yum yum! Fans of Justin Bieber got a tasty treat this week when the pop mega-star went shirtless for an Us Weekly photo shoot, showing off his delicious little boy body!
Justin’s lithe little muscles and smooth, hairless boy chest were on full display last Thursday as he posed for the cameras while talking about his sold-out “Believe” tour with his full, moist mouth. “I’m excited to see all my fans,” said the little filthy tease. “We have a lot of cool things planned for the show.”
The “One Time” singer has recently gotten into trouble for speeding in residential areas like a naughty little dirty boy who needs to be spanked, hard, but refused to comment on the issue. “I’m just focused on my tour and my fans right now,” said Bieber while coyly running his fingers down his lickably tight belly as though he didn’t know exactly goddamn well what he was doing.
Justin Bieber’s smooth little boy cock was not on display during the photo shoot, though fans can vividly imagine how it would feel to fondle it with their sweaty, trembling hands.
This article was originally published October 2013
Celebrity Fitness Secrets
Ever wonder how celebs keep their bods toned and taught for their movie star closeups?
TOM CRUISE
Swims 30 laps per day in a thimble!
USHER
lifts the crushing weight of depression!
NICOLE KIDMAN
chases down and sucks the blood from goats!
MILEY CYRUS
runs through five personalities per day!
JOHNNY DEPP
does weight training under 48 pounds of scarves!
KATIE HOLMES
runs from Scientologists!
BEYONCE
does nothing because she is perfect!
NICOLAS CAGE
fights a komodo dragon!
SHIA LABOUEF
does something entirely bland and unmemorable!
SYLVESTER STALLONE
eats a salad bowl filled to the brim with horse steroids!
This article was originally published August 2013
Around Town: Willem Dafoe's Drinkable Diet!
DAFOE'S DRINKABLE DIET! How does Willem Dafoe keep his hot Hollywood bod even at 57? This week, the Spider-Man star let his slimming secret slip: Willem is on an all breast milk diet!
"I consume nothing but milk squeezed from the ripe breasts of lactating mothers," Willem told Men's Healthmagazine in a five hour interview during which he did not blink. "I flick, flick, flick my tongue over their swollen nipples, savoring their hot white nectar. It pleasures me."
While the breast milk diet keeps Willem looking trim and tasty, it isn't cheap! The Platoon star says he spends thousands each week paying a stable of lactating mothers to live in a shed behind his house! "I visit them thrice daily to nurse," dishes Willem. "While lapping at their engorged teats I often purr like a feline. Purrrrrrrrr."
So will the breast milk diet trend catch on with other health-conscious celebs? Maybe so! Willem says A-listers like Nicolas Cage and Paul Giamatti have have already joined him in his "suckling sessions" while magician David Blaine is widely known to live on a slurry of breast milk and raw placenta!
This article was originally published August 2013
Around Town: Vin's Mac Meltdown!
Guess he didn’t want to “think different!” Vin Diesel has landed in hot water for destroying the interior of an Apple store after becoming scared of the computers!
The trouble started last Thursday when handlers took Diesel, 45, to visit Apple’s flagship New York City store with the goal of teaching him about computers. “Vin has never used a computer and does not know what the internet is,” said a spokesman for Diesel in a press conference following the incident. “We thought it was time to teach him. Clearly we were wrong.”
Those on the scene describe Diesel as being “visibly skittish” even before he entered the Apple store. “His eyes were rolling around all wild and he kept trying to pull away from his attendants,” dishes one witness. “I guess the bright lights from the computer screens was making him nervous. He kept mumbling that he ‘didn’t trust them.’”
Things improved slightly once Diesel was inside the store. An Apple Genius showed Diesel how he could use his finger to move icons on an iPad screen, which seemed to delight the Fast and the Furious star. The peace was short-lived, however. When Diesel turned on the iPad’s camera and saw his own image on the screen he flew into a terrified rage.
“He was smashing every computer in sight with his giant fists, ramming his head into iMac monitors, biting straight through keyboards,” recalls one survivor. “He was completely berserk. It was the most scared I have ever been.”
Handlers were able to bring Diesel down after shooting several tranquilizer darts into his back, but not before the Babylon A.D. hunk could cause nearly $1 million in property damage.
Following the incident, Diesel was promptly flown back to his mansion in Malibu, California where he is said to be preparing for an international press tour promoting his new movie Riddick and eating over 50 pounds of raw meat per day.
This article was originally published May 2013
Around Town: Ke$ha in Cri$i$!
What is wrong with Ke$ha? Friends and family members of the “Tik Tok” singer are reportedly “very concerned” over the pop star’s bizarre recent behavior, which has included several nights of sobriety and regular bathing!
The party girl’s public meltdown began last Thursday when Ke$ha was caught on camera wearing pants and reading a book at a Beverly Hills coffee shop. “She wasn’t wearing a Native American headdress or screaming that everyone should suck her dick,” said one shaken witness. “She was just totally engrossed in a Johnathan Franzen novel. It was disturbing.”
Sadly, Ke$ha appeared to worsen over the next several days, being spotted around Los Angeles sitting in a chair with both of her feet on the ground, and eating with a fork and knife.
Ke$ha’s personal manager, Janelle Mackie, claims nothing is wrong with the singer, telling reporters, “Ke$ha has been drinking handles of vodka, peeing on the floors of dance clubs, and passing out in hot tubs with tattooed heroin addicts nightly.”
But those close to the singer tell a much different story. “I wanted to do a bunch of coke and ride a mechanical bull the other night, but [Ke$ha] said she just wanted to watch the movie Amour and go to bed early,” a concerned insider said, on condition of anonymity. “If she keeps this up, I’m really worried she might live to 30.”
cWe certainly hope not! Get help, Ke$ha!
Around Town: Lena Dunham Eats a Sandwich
I
t’s the lunch that has America talking a bunch! “Girls” creator and star Lena Dunham was spotted eating a turkey sandwich on a bench in Brooklyn last Tuesday, instantly sparking a nationwide debate over modern femininity, sandwiches, and media depictions of women eating sandwiches!
Both fans and critics of Dunham took to the Internet to voice their opinions on the sandwich-eating after photos of Dunham eating the sandwich were first posted on Vulture.com! “As a 24-year-old woman, Lena eating that sandwich rings so true to me,” wrote one commenter. “I’ve eaten turkey sandwiches just like that. As soon as I saw those sandwich photos, I thought, “She gets it.’”
In a six-page article about the afternoon snack in this week’s New Yorker magazine, culture critic Alexandra Lange says Dunham “captures an entire generation’s experience of eating sandwiches ... from the anxieties about dripping mustard and getting crumbs down one’s shirt to the confusing, chaotic ecstasy of that first bite containing a slice of pickle.” The Los Angeles Times called Dunham’s decision to eat a turkey sandwich “revolutionary” and “a striking symbol of how far women have come in terms of eating sandwiches, freedom, and lunch in general.”
But for all the praise she’s receiving, Dunham is also facing heated backlash on the sandwich issue. “Dunham apparently feels almost pathologically compelled to shove her sandwich choices in our faces, whether we like that kind of sandwich or not,” wrote Sean Daly in the New York Post. And in the National Review Online, Betsy Woodrfuff writes, “At the end of the day, Dunham is just another rich white girl eating a turkey sandwich. The sandwich did not even look very good.”
Love her or hate her, Lena will be part of the national dialogue for a long time to come. Since the sandwich-eating occurred, the wunderkind already has stirred up several more controversies: By sneezing once, by looking at a bird, and by eating a different kind of sandwich the day after eating the first sandwich!
This article was originally published February 2013