Google and Apple's cloud services too expensive for you? Not sure what a cloud even is? No problem! It's easy to get confused with today's modern technology.
Read MoreProduct Review: Cell Phones
It seems like everyone has a cell phone nowadays. Everyone except grandmas. Grandmas never like to listen to their grandsons about what’s good for them. I once suggested that my grandmother get a crew cut and she called me an idiot.
Read MoreJulia Louis-Dreyfus presents "The Celebrity Internet"
Sure, you've been on the Internet. But chances are you've never been on the second Internet... The Celebrity Internet.
It's an alternate online experience reserved for the elite. And since you, a normal, will never have the chance to experience all it has to offer, let celebrated actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus show you around. So take a gander at sites like YouTube.famous and Facebook.famous, and get a taste for what life is like online for Julia and her very famous friends.
A Video Introduction to the Celebrity Internet with Julia Louis-Dreyfus:
Take a look at some of Julia’s favorite celebrity internet destinations:
As a celebrity, I'm very busy and often need a place where I just can log on and chat with my celebrity pals. Google.famous is perfect for this, and unlike on normal Internet, Google hangouts are widely used and quite fun.
You know how when regular people get emails from Nigerian princes, it's a scam? Not the case on the Celebrity Internet. Meet Prince Adayemi. I've been sending money to his village since he started emailing me in 2005. Every month, he shows up at my home with a return for my investment.
Another perk? Comment threads are reliable sources of positive feedback and healthy dialogue.
It should go without saying that we celebrities also have access to the latest gadgets and toys. On Apple.famous, I was able to order the iPhone 10 -- though I'm sure the iPhone 11 will come out any day now and this one might as well be the iPhone 8, which is embarrassingly passé. And oh yeah, they fixed Apple Maps. And it's perfect.
3D printers come standard with every home when you're famous. Want to recreate Multiplicity with your best friends? Go right ahead! Anything goes when you have access to Celebrity Internet.
Photography by Scott Garrison
This article was originally published May 2013
The One Man Affected by Y2K
In 1999, Alan White had everything: a house, a wife, a life full of promise. But when the clock struck midnight on January 1st, 2000, that all changed.
I
n retrospect, the Y2K scare was trivial. Predictions of a worldwide shutdown caused by our reliance on computers were exaggerated and the population as a whole survived unscathed.
But one man had his life erased. His name is Alan White. More accurately, his name was Alan White. There’s no record of him ever having existed.
At midnight on January 1, 2000, his computer exploded, the first of many dominoes to fall as Y2K wielded its power: his electricity went out, his bank account vanished, and in the fire caused by the explosion, he lost valuable paperwork including his marriage and birth certificates.
Less than a month later, penniless and determined to live off the grid, his wife would leave him. Since then, he’s squatted in his two bedroom apartment in Kansas City, Missouri.
That’s where I met him. It looked like a war zone: no power, no gas, no heat. White compared it to the scene at the riotous Woodstock ‘99. When I asked his age, he admitted he’s lost track of time and doesn’t know what day it is, never mind the year. He claimed to be born in 1967, though there’s no way to substantiate this.
“If I had a social security number, you could probably do a quick Infoseek search to find out I’m 43 years old,” White told me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that not only was his math incorrect, but that his favorite search engine was long gone. At one point I’d mentioned Google and he nodded along awkwardly, afraid to admit he’d never heard that word.
Chalk it up to the close to thirteen years living in solitude, but White was quick to welcome me and my camera crew into his house to document his life. He kept patting us on the back and muttering something about a museum. I surmised that he thought our coverage would be some sort of free marketing for what he referred to as “The Y2K Experience,” but I didn’t care. Our tour of his home was fascinating, a glimpse into a life that no longer is.
Below you’ll find the footage from our visit. And click through the gallery above for a photographic journey of a life destroyed by Y2K.
Alan was gracious enough to give us a tour:
Alan White: Matt Walsh
Photography by Scott Garrison
Video by Brad Schulz
This article was originally published May 2013
How to Make a Prank Call
Illustration by Justin Bilicki
Congratulations! You’ve decided to make a prank phone call...but now what? The questions of who to call, what to say and “What exactly is a prank phone call anyway?” can be a little overwhelming. Prank phone calls don’t have to be a chore though - in fact, they can be fun! All you have to do is follow these simple rules:
Plan Ahead
Remember You Are Lying
Amusement Suppression
Nourishment
Keep At It!
P
lan Ahead
Before diving in, take a moment to plan out who you want to call and what you want to say. A typical prank call usually involves two people: the Pranker (you) and the Prankee (the person being pranked). This person is also known as a mark.* Your mark can be literally anyone; a friend, a pastor, an uncle (though uncles are notorious kidders themselves and can therefore be hard to kid) or even a complete stranger - it’s up to you! With prank phone calls, you’re in the driver’s seat.
*does not have to be someone namd Mark
When you’ve selected your mark, think about something that might surprise, irk or befuddle that person in particular. At this point, it’s important to remember that prank calls are different from regular calls. For example, let’s say that your friend, we’ll call him “Marc,” likes basketball and you’d like to somehow incorporate that into your call. Great! But there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it:
The Wrong way:
YOU: “Hello, Marc? This is [your real name]. Did you catch the Pacers game last night on TBS? It was a great one, right? Okay, talk to you later, Marc.”
This is NOT a prank phone call! Sure, it may have been a pleasant conversation tailored to the recipient’s interests, but in order for it to be a prank call, there must be at least some added element of mischief or deception. Notice how the caller used their real name? Right off the bat, the caller has greatly limited his pranking potential by divulging his true identity to the Prankee.
The RIGHT way:
YOU: “Hello, Marc? Hi, it’s Michael Jordan...yes, Michael Jordan the basketball player. I’m outside in your driveway right now, wanna shoot some baskets with me and Scott Pippen?
This brings us to the next rule:
R
emember you are lying
You are not Michael Jordan.* You’re simply pretending to be Michael Jordan in order to trick or “prank” your friend. This is where the humor comes in. The idea that the world’s greatest basketball superstar would call up your presumably average, non-superstar friend to play some one-on-one in his or her driveway is highly unrealistic and therefore comical. But be warned: after saying it over and over, you may begin to believe you are Michael Jordan; it’s important to remember that you are only pretending. This brings us to our next rule...
* if you are Michael Jordan, please see section C below
Section C (for Michael Jordan Use Only)
If you are reading this, you are NBA superstar Michael Jordan. First ofall, big congrats on all of your success! You are easily one of the best basketball players of all time...but if you want to become a prank call superstar, you'll want to follow these simple rules:
Double Down
Use A Different Name
Never Say You Are Michael Jordan
Keep At It
*Double Down*
If the person on the other end challenges your claim that you are anyone other than Michael Jordan (say you claimed to be Tom Cruise*, for example), simply double down. Remember, in a prank call, the Pranker calls the shots and sets the tone. Stick to your guns and use specifics to support your claim that you are Tom Cruise. Try something your mark cannot dispute, like "Then how come I was in Mission Impossible 3?" or "But I am the Top Gun."
**you are not Tom Cruise*
*Use a Different Name*
Michael Jordan is a great prank name for most, but it is NOT a good one for you - it is arguably the worst one for you because that is who you really are.
*Never Say You Are Michael Jordan*
As Michael Jordan, you have a lot to be proud of and it's only natural to want to tell the world of your real-life accomplishments, however, now is not the time to show off. You must fully commit to whatever fake, non-Michael Jordan persona you establish at the outset, regardless of their basketball-playing abilities or superstar status. Once you've hung up, you may then feel free to resume discussion of your past successes with your loved ones or pastor.
*Keep At It*
Inevitably, your first few times out, you will spill the beans and reveal that you are in fact Michael Jordan - but keep your chin up! You didn't score 69 points against the Cleveland Cavaliers in 1992 without practice and the same applies to making a successful prank call.
Amusement Suppression
With all the stress involved in making a prank call, it’s important to remember to have FUN out there! After all, at the end of the day, you are doing this for your own amusement, right? And though it’s important to take time to appreciate the sheer joy of the prank call, from time to time, you may actually become so overcome by amusement that you’ll be tempted to chuckle, chortle or guffaw at your own Prantics (prank call antics). Whatever you do, DO NOT LAUGH OPENLY; this is a quick way to tip off your mark that something’s up. If you do feel a laugh coming on, here are some fun ways to “suppress it while you express it!”
- cover your mouth and/or the phone’s receiver
- hold the phone far away from your face (up to 3 feet)
- bite down on your lip (stop if you begin to draw blood)
- playfully nudge a nearby friend, family member, or pastor
Nourishment
No good prank call has ever been made on an empty stomach, so be sure to stock
up on plenty of almonds, steak, bananas and red vines, all of which have been proven to bolster the body’s pranking abilities.
Keep at it
Remember, in life, you are going to fail over and over again. The same is true of making prank phone calls. Most seasoned pranksters have to make dozens, even hundreds of prank calls before their first successful one. So, if a prank call isn’t working out,
don’t stress out! Simply apologize, admit that you are not Michael Jordan,* hang up
and try again.
*unless you are, in which case you should admit that you ARE Michael Jordan
There you have it! With a little patience, the support of your loved ones and pastor, and these easy-to-follow rules, you’ll be pranking in no time! If you have further questions or concerns, please feel free to email me at MICHAELJORDAN@YOUJUSTGOTPRANKED.EDU, SUCKERS. *click*
This article was originally published May 2013
BestieXBestie: Episode 3
Gabe and Jenny are Besties who love to chit-chat. They're very unique individuals. Press play, thank you!
DIRECTED BY DEAN FLEISCHER-CAMP
Originally published May 2013
MORE BestieXBestie:
12 Questions with Ron Funches
Photography by Ron Funches
1. What would you do with a clone of yourself?
I’d wrestle it, learn from it, grow stronger.
2. Who does Bradley Cooper think he is?
Right! It’s like get out of here with those steely blues! But come back and give me one more hug.
3. You wake up tomorrow and remember that you’re Jason Bourne. What is the first thing you do?
Make a sandwich. Dramatically.
4. Cyber sex: what happened there?
I’m sorry, was that you? I just get into character you know, the anonymity is so freeing. I apologize.
5. What would Tyler Perry say if he met you?
“I know you put that Temptation poster up in your bedroom ironically. Dick move”
6. Where did these Muppet Babies even come from?
Muppet sex. Clearly.
7. What would you say to your 12-year-old self?
Go ahead and keep watching wrestling and playing video games you husky prince.
8. Was there a moment where you felt you shared/said to much?
Like that time I told everybody I was a 30 year-old thumb sucker who has only slept with 5 women? Not that I can recall.
9. What is your most vivid memory involving a blacklight poster?
Walking past them at a Spencer’s Gifts to get to the sex stuff.
10. In the age of the Internet, is there anything libraries are still good for?
Homeless shelters. Can we seriously turn them into homeless shelters? Please.
11. What would your online start-up look like?
Facebook for pets.
12. You and Steve Jobs are hanging out. What’s the dynamic?
Spaceship cruising, typical Friday.
This article was originally published May 2013
Around Town: Vin's Mac Meltdown!
Guess he didn’t want to “think different!” Vin Diesel has landed in hot water for destroying the interior of an Apple store after becoming scared of the computers!
The trouble started last Thursday when handlers took Diesel, 45, to visit Apple’s flagship New York City store with the goal of teaching him about computers. “Vin has never used a computer and does not know what the internet is,” said a spokesman for Diesel in a press conference following the incident. “We thought it was time to teach him. Clearly we were wrong.”
Those on the scene describe Diesel as being “visibly skittish” even before he entered the Apple store. “His eyes were rolling around all wild and he kept trying to pull away from his attendants,” dishes one witness. “I guess the bright lights from the computer screens was making him nervous. He kept mumbling that he ‘didn’t trust them.’”
Things improved slightly once Diesel was inside the store. An Apple Genius showed Diesel how he could use his finger to move icons on an iPad screen, which seemed to delight the Fast and the Furious star. The peace was short-lived, however. When Diesel turned on the iPad’s camera and saw his own image on the screen he flew into a terrified rage.
“He was smashing every computer in sight with his giant fists, ramming his head into iMac monitors, biting straight through keyboards,” recalls one survivor. “He was completely berserk. It was the most scared I have ever been.”
Handlers were able to bring Diesel down after shooting several tranquilizer darts into his back, but not before the Babylon A.D. hunk could cause nearly $1 million in property damage.
Following the incident, Diesel was promptly flown back to his mansion in Malibu, California where he is said to be preparing for an international press tour promoting his new movie Riddick and eating over 50 pounds of raw meat per day.
This article was originally published May 2013
Best App of the Month: Operation, Kim Jong Un Edition
Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.
About the app: Operation, Kim Jong Un Edition
From the North Korean App Store
Dear Leader and Apple Computer creator Kim Jong Un has invented the perfect application for children: Operation. After exploding America and high-fiving Scottie Pippen, Supreme Leader flew his plane to heaven where his dad told him to make game. This is game. He spent all night creating iPhone so kids could play game that he invented.
INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP
Reviews From The App Store:
★★★★★ Amazing! All praise dear leader!
★★★★★ Amazing! All praise dear leader!
★★★★★ This app sucks! It didn't even let me aldjal skf oh my god asdlkfjadg aa Just jokes. app is perfect and review is telling truth because I love app and country, not because local officials have tied up wife and children and holding them at gun point. All praise dear leader!
Originally published May 2013
MORE BEST APPS of the Month:
Best App of the Month: Phone Checker Pro
Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.
About the app: PHONE CHECKER PRO
Love checking your phone but nobody's emailing you because they're busy checking their own phone? Enter Phone Checker Pro. This addictive game replicates the experience of checking your phone with notifications based on your actual contact list! The best part? It recreates real life situations: You're waiting for a cashier to hand you change…check that phone! You just stepped out of the shower…check that phone! You've just put on one shoe and now need to put on the other…well, you get it (check that phone).
INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.
Reviews from the app store:
★★★☆☆ Loved the level where you have to wait two seconds for a web page to load so you have to check your phone.
★★★★☆ The constant notifications this game sends me give me even more reasons to check my phone!
★★★★☆ This game gives me another excuse to look at my phone. I love this, since I have recently started to find talking to people face-to-face stressful and much of life to feel dull and slow-paced.
★★★☆☆ This game is -- sorry just got a text -- this game is really -- hold on, gotta take this call -- this ga -- wait Facebook -- th --
Originally published May 2013
MORE BEST APPS of the Month:
Best App of the Month: The Doctor Will See You
Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.
About The App: The Doctor Will See You
Get the real experience of sitting in a doctor's waiting room. Just sign into the app by giving your social security number and date of birth and start waiting! Link your Facebook account and kill time by guessing the other patients' ailments until the the doctor is ready.
INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.
Reviews From The App Store:
Casi_Grace1023 ★★☆☆☆
Too realistic. I successfully guessed all the ailments of the other patients (they all had cancer FYI) in a minute and then the nurse came and then I sat in another room half-naked for like an hour with nothing to do. Not fun.
PaRsOnSjlM419 ★★★★☆ I cannot stop playing this game. It's just like being at the doctor's office. First I give them all my personal information and then I read virtual versions of golf magazines from 2009. I love it!
RoundPanda14 ★★★☆☆ Great game, but I have a feeling the recent identify theft I experienced was a result of it. loved the music playing in the room tho.
Originally published May 2013
MORE BEST APPS of the Month:
Best App Of The Month: Drone Strike!
Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.
About the app: DRONE STRIKE
If you like your games to reflect outdated military tactics, there's Call of Duty. For modern warfare, there's only one and it's Drone Strike! See what it's like to control real drones! Incredibly realistic, you can almost feel the indifference that overcomes you as you destroy a school on the other side of the world.
INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.
Reviews from the app store:
★★★☆☆ I had a great time playing, but the day after I launched a drone strike in my game on a small Afghanistan village called Tagab, I saw a news report about a real drone attack in Tagab which is weird.
★☆☆☆☆ Wait, is this actually killing people?
★★★★☆ I love it! I just killed hundreds of people and all I had to do was press one button!!!!!!
Originally published May 2013
MORE BEST APPS of the Month:
Fuck Marry Kill: Wall-E, R2D2 & C3PO, and HAL
Make your choice below. We won't judge.
Illustrations by Natalie Capannelli
Originally Published May 2013
More FMK:
MORPHS: You Won’t Believe What These Tech Innovators Looked Like When They Were Young
The appearances of most visionaries are locked into our minds, as they, themselves, came to represent the technology they brought to the masses. But what did they look like when they were just fresh faces, before they created the future?
Slide the pegs below to watch the innovators become younger.
Arianna Huffington
Albert Einstein
Steve Jobs
Bill Gates
Marissa Mayer
Stephen Hawking
Mark Zuckerberg
Thomas Edison
See More Morphs:
AOL Screen Name Origins: Pete Holmes, Paul Scheer, and Other Comics Share Their First Online Persona
At the dawn of the Internet, we all made some mistakes. Below, comics reveal their first AOL handles.
Pete Holmes
My punk band in high school was called Nude. We thought it was funny that the posters would say "Pete Holmes, Steve McCabe and Aaron Bonner-Jackson:NUDE." That, and we thought ahead so far as to consider that our "fans" would be called "Nudists." Punk rock is all about branding. So, naturally, my AOL username back in 1995 was NudeRocks@aol.com. Because we rocked. What I didn't know was that 'rocks' is slang for testicles. Maybe you didn't know that either. I've never really heard it used in real life, even to this day."Ow, my rocks!" But in the nineties, in every chat room I entered, I got a LOT of attention from people who have heard it used in real life. And lets's just say the "rocks" users are a sultry, forward bunch of gross-out-style horndogs. Much more so than say softer, gentler "nuts" users (as I was). Suffice it to say I learned my lesson. If you'd like to chat about it later you can reach me at NudeNuts@peteholmes.com.
Paul Scheer
My first email address was golmund@aol.com. I came up with this after many, many unsuccessful attempts to make my screen name a variation on "Ghostbuster" or "PeterVenkman." In my frustration of being rejected so many times, I looked on my desk and saw a book I was assigned to read in high school, the Herman Hesse classic "Narcissus and Goldmund." I heard the book was good. I didn't read it and since Narcissus was too hard to type, I settled on the other guy. Unfortunately I spelled it WRONG! I left out the D! So I was GOLMUND, a name I had no connection to, that was misspelled, and which meant nothing. So for years afterwards I always had to explain what my screen name meant. I'm an idiot.
Dave Hill
I remember my first AOL screen name like it was yesterday. This is partially because I still use it and was just checking it yesterday, but also because -- like a lot of today’s futuristic citizens of the Internet -- it was my very first screen name and email account. It’s the one I used to dip my toes into the world wide web for the very first time way back in the ‘90s, the one I used to write those first cryptic emails to mysterious yet enthusiastic new pals in Malaysia, the one I used to access my first glimpse of that picture of that one kid with all the puke coming out of his nose, and the one I used to stay up late into the Cleveland night chatting away about everything and nothing at all with other w4m truckers and their admirers.
The anonymity of the Internet being what it is and the fact that every variation of the name Dave Hill was already taken, using my own name for my very first AOL account wasn’t an option, so I was forced to get creative. At the time (and today still) one of my favorite people was Barry White, so I had hoped to use his name. But that was taken too, so I had no choice but to use the next best thing, MrLouRawls. With the exception of the day the real Lou Rawls died and I was inundated with roughly 7000 emails from people both sending condolences and hoping to contact the singer of “You’ll Never Find Another Love Like Mine” and so many other hits from beyond the grave, it has served me reasonably well to this day.
In keeping with modern times and in an effort to get people to stop mocking me for still having an AOL screen name (something I still fail to understand, dammit!), I have since upgraded to a more modern account I will not mention here because I am now extremely famous and can’t risk such a breach of privacy. But for whatever reason, I’ve still held onto my AOL screen name and check it every few months or so like clockwork. And while it’s certainly not the best way to get a hold of me these days, if you, like me, ever wondered what it’s like to be hauling an 18-wheeler full of irritable livestock for 72 hours straight, high on speed and doing your damndest to keep your eyes on the road in spite of the tears, by all means get in touch.
Shelby Fero
My first AOL screen name that I can remember was vlcmrcks. You may notice that as the slogan for the cool, hip, young surfing-skateboarding-cool-dude clothing brand Volcom, but without the vowels. I just wanted people to know I was cool and young but wasn't going to blatantly advertise for them. My next screen name was cffeebnandtealeaf.
Nick Thune
The year was 1994 and my dad brought home the first family computer. It was an Apple. Thanks Dad. He brought it inside and set it on the table, he said, “Nick, I can’t set it up, I’m too old.” I grabbed his hand and said, “I can do it Erik.” He said, “Call me Dad.” I said, “Alright Dad.” Back then we didn’t have High Speed Internet, it was straight into the phone jack, 28K. If you had call waiting you were fucked. I got the computer set up and online. My dad said, “You're too young, you can't have your own screen name. But you can use mine...” It was salmon with an e-r-d at the end... Salmonerd.
Sean Conroy
It was the mid 90's, and I was on the road with an improv group in Indiana. It was the last night of a two-week road trip. Everybody else in the group decided to go see the hilarious Dead Man Walking, but my friend Wendy and I stayed back at the motel and got the kind of high you get at the end of a two-week road trip in Indiana. So when the great Eddie Pepitone, who was my road roommate at the time, came back from the movie, I was just lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, silently philosophizing, with the TV on. He started flipping through the channels, and every time another show came on I would say something derisive. "Oh, great, it's this show. Oh awesome, that guy is sooooo talented." Then after I was quiet for a moment, Eddie said, "Back in a moment with more from the Prone Cynic." We decided a funny show would be a guy who just said shitty things about everything, lying down. The Prone Cynic. So when it was time to choose a screen name, I picked Pronecynic. I also used it as my e-mail address. It was a terrible idea - people's brains don't process that there are two words there. I would write it out for people and they would read it back like, Pro...neck-nick? Pro..neckinack? Terrible. Really damaged my career.
Aparna Nancherla
My first AOL screen name was sunrx12, and it really stuck with me, based on the fact that I still employ it as a username for many website accounts today (o hai ProFlowers). Like everyone else on the planet, when I picked this screen name, using your real name was not "on trend" yet, and the Internet was still a vastly unexplored chasm, into which people disappeared regularly while exploring lost Geocities or whatever, so it was best to keep some level of anonymity about it.
And I really did, because sunrx12 has no deeper meaning, and reveals nothing about me. I was basically one step above a Russian spambot or a CAPTCHA. I was trying to set up an account fast, and didn't have time to put proper thought into the name, so I thought I like the sun, it's been good to me for the most part. "Rx" was a paltry attempt at "rox" (remember the splashy career "rox" had in the 90s?!), capped off with the first two numbers after zero. BOOM. Ready to make my Internet debut. I do remember many disappointing AIM convos with randos where they were like "So wut doz sunrx12 mean?" and I'd have to make something up to seem more interesting. The truth hurts, kids! We're all shams trying to make it in this virtual attention game.
This article was originally published May 2013
The Official Guide to SEXTing
SEXTing, or Sexual Texting, is a courtship technique invented by teenagers to ruin their lives.
Now adults are getting in on this hot new courtship technique. In olden times, before human rights or homosexuality, a man would find a woman that he liked, get in line behind the other men that liked her, and when it was his turn to call her Pretty Lady he would call her Pretty Lady and hopefully she would choose him for the next day’s wedding. But nowadays if you want to win that special someone’s heart and put your mouth on their mouth, u got 2 SEXT. Here is a quick and easy guide for anyone (18 and older) who wants to learn how to do this cool and sexy new trend.
SEXTing Rule #1: Get Right To The Point
When it comes to SEXTing, don’t beat around the bush. LOL. (Bush is a slang term for female genitalia. PRO-TIP: when SEXTing use fun slang like bush instead of terms like “female genitalia.”) If you want your SEXT to succeed, make it clear what you want, which should be sex. (If you don’t want sex, send a non-SEXT, also known as a text.)
Here’s an example of a bad SEXT:
Here’s an example of a good SEXT:
SEXTing Rule #2: Keep It Sexy, Stupid
This might sound obvious, but you’d be AMAZED at how many people forget this: a SEXT should be sexy! No duh, right? And yet not a day goes by where I don’t get a SEXT from someone who forgets this most basic rule. Here’s an example of a terrible SEXT I received the other day. This is absolutely real:
Would you turn off the Duck Dynasty marathon you were watching to go have fast and rude sex with someone who sent that to you? Maybe. But it could go either way. Now watch what happens when I take that same, bad SEXT and keep it sexy:
SEXTing Rule #3: Include a Photo
You don’t have to include a photo in every SEXT but it doesn’t hurt! Remember, the same rules of SEXTing also apply to a photo SEXT: get to the point and keep it sexy! Here, again, is a bad example of a SEXT photo:
See? What’s sexy about reading a newspaper? This isn’t school!
Here are a few examples of the types of SEXT photos you can send to your SEXTing partner to get them in the mood. For sex.
I’m feeling hot hot hot!
SEXTing Rule #4: NO Group SEXTs
It’s Saturday night and your penis or vagina is going CRAZY. OK, time to SEXT. But what if you SEXT someone and you don’t hear back from them? You’ve got to have sex! In certain cases, it can be smart to cast a wider net with your SEXTs, but always remember this rule: One SEXT = one vagina/penis. Here are a couple of actual examples of the trouble you can get into when you send a SEXT to multiple recipients. These are REAL stories of REAL people whose mass SEXTS went wrong!
Story 1:
Brian had just gotten home from the big game and he wanted to have sex to celebrate. He took a photo of his penis wearing a tiny top hat to show how classy he was at sex, and he SEXTed the photo to a few cheerleaders that were smart, funny, interesting, independent women who he thought would be great to have sex with. Unfortunately for Brian, one of the girls had changed her number and the old number now connected directly to the Jumbotron at the stadium. Afterwards, when his teammates and fans saw Brian they would tip an imaginary top hat towards him and say “Top of the morning,
Mr. President.” And he never did get that sex with those vibrant, educated girls.
Story 2:
Caitlin had recently started courtship with a new beau, and she decided to get with the times and send him a SEXT. She knew he would enjoy it, and it was an exciting change of pace from the prudish and reserved relationship she’d had with Tom. She drafted a brief and sexy SEXT and sent it to the new guy, along with a photo of her butthole. Unfortunately for Caitlin, just after pressing send she realized that she’d accidentally sent the photo to her entire contact list, including her doctor, and that’s how Caitlin was diagnosed with Bad Butthole Syndrome. Obviously, it is important to detect BBS as quickly as possible, so in terms of her health it was good that she sent the SEXT to her doctor, but there are less embarrassing ways to find out and also her brother got the photo too.
Story 3:
Brian (no relation to the first Brian) wanted to spice up his marriage so he sent his wife a SEXT saying “I’ve got a one-way ticket to Pussy Town population YOU” and quickly sent it off. Harmless enough for two consenting, married adults. The only catch was that Brian had labeled every contact in his phone “My Wiiiiife” because the Borat voice always makes him laugh. To ensure that his wife got his SEXT, he sent it to the whole list, but a lot of those people weren’t his wife, and they were grossed out, including his wife, because Brian had forgotten that they’d been divorced for 10 years.
Don’t make the same mistakes that Brian and Caitlin and other Brian made!
SEXTing Rule #5: Don’t SEXT Karen Though
You should never SEXT Karen. For one thing, she doesn’t like it. But also, out of respect for us, I just would appreciate it if you didn’t. We’re working through some stuff right now and I don’t think a SEXT from you would be very helpful. Last night we got in a fight about dish towels. Dish towels! She asked if I had washed the dish towels when I did laundry on Sunday, and I said I did, but I didn’t, and OK, so it was a small lie, but I forgot, and who cares? They’re just dish towels? Then Karen starts yelling about how much bacteria collects in the kitchen, and how unsanitary it is to keep using the dish towels without washing them and how more importantly if she can’t even trust me to tell her the truth about washing the dish towels then how can she trust me that nothing happened with Victoria Jansen at the office party. I was like, look, I’m sorry about the dish towels but how many times do I have to tell you that nothing happened with Victoria at the party? I’ve said 100 times that nothing happened and that I don’t even like Victoria, she smells like glue and her face is NOT as pretty as she thinks it is. Also did Karen ever think that maybe she could have just washed the dish towels herself if she was so damned worried about the stupid towels instead of getting on my case about it? I told her, I said, I know you’re under a lot of pressure these days while Internal Investigations conducts their review of the incident at the County Fair when you discharged your weapon, but I’m sure they’re going to find your shooting of that vagrant to have been lawful. He was pointing a corn dog at you, but it was dark, how were you supposed to know that? In those situations you have to react quickly, it can mean life or death. But what about me? I said. Karen, I’ve got to get all of the folders in Mr. Larkson’s office transferred to digital copies on his computer by the end of the month. That’s a real headache! Well that set her off big time and we didn’t get to sleep until almost 3AM even though we both had to work in the morning. Now can you imagine if in the middle of that her phone dings and it’s some SEXT from a stranger? Yeah, exactly. So just don’t SEXT her thanks.
SEXTing Rule #6: If At First You Don’t Have Sex, SEXT, SEXT Again
You’ve sent your special someone a SEXT and you haven’t heard back. Precious minutes that you could be having powerful, athletic sex are slipping away and you’re starting to think you’re not even going to have sex. What do you do? You SEXT them again! Be persistent. The only thing people hate more than not having sex when they want it is quitters. Follow up your first SEXT with something even sexier. For example, if you SEXTed someone an hour ago with a message like “I want to put my hot dog in your hot dog bun” and you don’t hear anything back, send them this as a follow up message: “I REALLY want to put my hot dog in your hot dog bun RIGHT NOW!” That will express to them the urgency in your loins. Or, if you’ve simply sent them a picture of your genitals, follow it up with a video of your genitalsalong with some inspirational music, like Green Day or Pink. This is called “raising the stakes.”
SEXTing Rule #7: Send Some Practice SEXTs for Starters
You’re almost ready to SEXT! You know some of the basic concepts, and are aware of a few of the pitfalls. But practice makes perfect, even in SEXTing. I recommend finding someone you know and trust and sending them a few practice SEXTs just to make sure you’re doing it right. For example, you could send me some SEXTs. Right? I’m the perfect person topractice with, and maybe we’ll even strike up a friendship. Or a love affair! Look, I feel like
I have to be honest with you: things with Karen are rougher than I was letting on. Between you and me, we haven’t slept together in six weeks. I spend most nights on the couch! She screams when I try to touch her. Do I hope we can get through this rough patch and back to where we used to be? Of course, but I’m also a realist. People drift apart all the time. It’s tough. Maybe a SEXT from you, even if it’s just a practice SEXT, will help take my mind off of it. And if it makes Karen jealous, that’s her problem. What is she going to DO about it? That’s what I would say to her if you SEXT me and she found out. Do YOU want to SEXT with me, Karen? Because I’ve tried and you laughed at my needs and desires as if they were embarrassing, but they’re not embarrassing, Karen. They’re HUMAN. This person gets it, Karen. This person loves me. We’re in love. Goodbye, Karen.
Or, you know, something like that haha. Anyway, my number is (860) 615-9469.
SEXTing Rule #8: There Are No Rules.
SEXTing is a lot like life. Eventually you’re going to have to get out there and figure it out for yourself. I’ve called everything here Rules but really they’re more like Guidelines, except for Rule #5, which is a Rule. Find what works for you and ignore the rest. You’ll probably make a couple mistakes along the way, but I’m confident that if you keep some of these simple ideas in mind, you’re going to be just fine. Soon enough you’ll be communicating sexually over text with that special someone about your burning hot genitals! Heck, that person might even be me (see Rule #8) although if that’s the case then please see Rule #10: Don’t Fall In Love With Me. Just kidding there is no Rule #10. Fall away. Hey! Let’s go somewhere together?! Karen hates travel. Who hates travel? Have you been to Mount Rushmore? I’ve heard it is very sexy. Let’s go just the two of us. How about this: if you’re interested just SEXT me a photo of your junk. I’ll tell Karen that I’ve got a work thing. I want you so bad right now!
This article was originally published May 2013
Semester Abroad
It’s the year 3013. Semesters abroad have become interplanetary. Take a glimpse into life on Saturn through the eyes of one dedicated college student.
September 23, 3013
Okay, so this is, like, my diary or whatever. I wasn’t going to keep one, because it’s sort of annoying to remember to do entries, but then I started thinking, when Derek and I are old, we’re going to look back at this time in our lives and be, like, “wow,” so I decided, I’m going to speak into my transcriber every night before I go to sleep, unless I’m, like, you know, really wasted.
I guess I should start with the rocket launch. Derek came with me to the spaceport to say goodbye, which was really sweet of him, because he was right in the middle of a video game. And I was, like, “Long distance is going to be so hard, but I know we can make it work, because we’re fully invested and we love each other,” and he was, like, “yeah.”
The flight was awful. I had to put my phone away during lift-off, even though I was right in the middle of texting Derek. Eventually, the pilot said phones were okay, but by then we were in outer space, so when I took out my phone it kept floating around the cabin, which was, like, so annoying. Eventually, I was able to finish texting Derek, but he didn’t text back, not even after I texted him again and also left him a voicemail and some holograms. And I started to freak out, because my semester abroad just started and things were already weird between me and Derek.
So then the pilot was, like, “If you go to the observation deck, you can see a view of earth,” and I really wanted to go, because seeing earth from space is supposed to be this, like, transformative experience or whatever. But there’s no reception on the observation deck, and so I couldn’t go, because I was still waiting for Derek to text me back. But he never did.
September 27, 3013
Okay, so, things with Derek have been really weird, but before I get into it, I guess I should talk about the program or whatever. I’m doing my semester abroad on Saturn, which I know is, like, pretty random. I was going to do Mars, but everyone was doing Mars, and I didn’t want people to think, like, “Oh, she’s only doing Mars because everyone’s doing Mars.” So on the form I checked Saturn. Anyway, classes so far are really easy. It’s a lot of Saturn history, which is incredibly boring, but there’s only two hours of lectures a day, and also the days here are two weeks long, so when you think about it, that’s really not so much class time. On the weekends there are optional tours you can do to see what life is like among the aliens (sorry, I mean, natives). I really want to do the tours, because I’m interested in other cultures and, like, that’s one of the main reasons I’m doing semester abroad is to get perspective. But I haven’t had time because Derek has been so weird. Which brings me back to things with him.
Okay, so, yesterday he finally sent me a hologram, but it was, like, only five seconds long and he did it at the dining hall so there were, like, bits of people’s arms and trays in it. And I was, like, if you can’t take the time to go inside an orb and send me a private hologram, how is this ever going to work?
September 29, 2013
Tomorrow we have our first quiz. It’s on the culture of the Narvians, who are our host tribe. I’m sort of nervous, because at Oberlin I get time-and-a-half, and I’m worried that the teachers here won’t know that I get that. Also, the reading is really confusing. The Narvians don’t have any concept of “me” or “you” (they see their tribe as a “single, living being”). So because of that, it’s, like, really hard to keep track of all the names.
Anyway, yesterday morning I sent Derek a text to be, like, “I’m freaking out about the quiz,” and I figured he would just ignore it, as usual. But he wrote back right away, saying, “you’ll do great,” and I was, like, oh my God, that’s so Derek. Just when I think he’s a total jerk, he’ll do something that’s freaking amazing and I’ll remember how much we love each other. In a way I think that this long distance thing is a good test for us, because if we can get through it, it means we were really meant for each other.
Anyway, I was so relieved that things with Derek were finally good again that I signed up for one of the optional culture trips. We went to Titan, which is like the biggest moon. It’s sort of cool, because it has all these underground rivers. But when I tried to text a picture to Derek there was no reception. Like, none. So I complained to Narvia, who’s, like, the alien lady who runs the program. And I was like, “I don’t want to be rude, but in the brochure it said there would be reception and I’m, like, trying to make long distance work with my boyfriend Derek and there’s no reception.” She tried to fix my phone by zapping it with her eyes, and it helped a little, but not really. And at this point, I was sort of freaking out, because even though Derek can be a total jerk, I love him unconditionally, and I, like, for real want to have babies with him someday, and that’s, like, actually something I think about, and I don’t want it all to end just because of my stupid phone. So I was, like, “Narvia, what’s going on with the reception?” And she explained that a war had started that morning between the Narvians (her tribe) and the Gorgons (who live on some other moon). It’s complicated, but basically, when they have their battles, or whatever, it screws up reception. So I was, like, “I know it’s not your fault, or whatever, but I just want you to be aware that there isn’t reception.”
September 30, 3013
So the quiz went okay, but I think I screwed up the last part because I was having trouble concentrating. Narvia made us turn off our phones for the quiz, so the whole time all I could think about was Derek and whether or not he was trying to get through to me. Also, I was really, really hungry. That’s the one complaint I have about semester abroad: I’m interested in other cultures, and that’s why I came to Saturn, is to experience new things, but I’m sorry, the food here is ass. The Narvians don’t eat meat, because they believe everything has “a common soul,” and I respect that, or whatever. But the fruits and vegetables here are totally weird. All they have in the cafeteria are these purple star-shaped thingies and these giant petals from different flowers. There’s one vending machine in the hallway that has Nutrigrain bars and that’s what I’ve been living on this whole time. Also, there’s no beer, only XanXan, which is made out of flowers (like everything here). I’ve tried it, and it’s actually not horrible, but it makes you really hungover. I usually only drink on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, and it’s a Tuesday, but the quiz was so stressful and things with Derek are so weird that I think I’m going to make an exception.
September 31, 3013
Last night was the worst. I was doing XanXan shots alone in my room and watching old sitcoms on Hulu when I realized I’d forgotten to eat dinner. The thing is, though, you’re not supposed to leave your pod at night, because that’s when the Gorgons do their air strikes. I thought about waiting until morning to eat, but my stomach was, like, literally rumbling. And so eventually, I was, like, forget it, I’m getting a Nutrigrain bar. So I put on my suit, and floated down the hall, but when I got to the vending machine, they were out of blueberry, which is the only kind I like, and all they had was strawberry, which tastes like straight ass. And this was just, like, the last straw. So I called up Derek and he picked up, but he was acting really weird. And I heard voices in the background. And I was, like, “Are you at a party?” And he was, like, “No, I’m just hanging out with some people.” And I heard some girls laughing, and I was like, “Are there girls there?” And he was, like, “There are a lot of people here.” And I was, like, “I thought you said it wasn’t a party.” And he was, like, “It’s not a party.”
So Narvia came by and was, like, “You must stay within your pod. The Gorgons are attacking.”
And I was, like, “Listen, I know this isn’t your fault, and I don’t want to be rude, but in the brochure it said there’d be nightlife and there isn’t any nightlife, like, at all.” And she apologized and said that the war had escalated, and that the Gorgons had started enslaving and torturing the Narvians, and because of her antenna, or whatever, she could physically feel it when her fellow Narvians were being tortured, because that’s how her species has evolved. And I was, like, whoa, too much information, but of course I didn’t say that, because I didn’t want to be disrespectful of her culture. So anyway she made me go back inside my pod, but by that point, Derek wasn’t picking up his phone.
I would never admit this to anyone, but sometimes I wonder if Derek and I are even compatible. I mean, I love him with all my heart, and I know he loves me, even though he’s never, like, said the words, or whatever. But the thing is, we have pretty different interests. For example, he’s really into full-immersion virtual reality first-person shooter games and I’m really into, like, relationships. That’s the whole reason why I’m majoring in communications -- because I want to work for a non-profit when I graduate and try to save the world. I know a lot of people would say that’s a crazy pipe dream, and I should just give up, but I’m, like, you only live once and you have to seize the day or whatever. There’s this quote I saw once on my friend Karen’s yearbook page and I liked it so much that I put it on my yearbook page, even though I knew everyone would be, like, “you copied that from Karen,” but I was, like, who cares, I like the quote. It goes: “shoot for the moon, because even if you miss you’ll end up among the stars.” When I first saw that, I was, like, oh my God, I’m going to freaking cry, because I freaking love that. I try to talk about this kind of stuff with Derek, but it never works, because he doesn’t like to have deep conversations. All he wants to do is play his videogames, and break his kill records, which are, like, really high, but so what?
I’m trying to decide now whether to text him goodnight. I kind of want to, because I miss him like crazy, but also part of me is, like, he doesn’t deserve it, because I’ve sent him goodnight texts for nine straight days and he hasn’t written me back once. I don’t want to play games, though, because I don’t believe in them, so I’ll probably just text him what I always text him, which is, “Goodnight, XO, I love you.”
October 10, 3013
Derek broke up with me. That’s why I haven’t been recording new entries, because it happened four days ago, and since then I’ve just been crying.
We’d been out of touch for a few days and then he called me out of the blue, and I was excited, because he never does that. It was right in the middle of a quiz, but Narvia was distracted, because there was some big Gorgon/Narvian battle going on, and her eyes kept rolling back in her head, so I was able to sneak out into the hall.
So the first thing Derek says is, “I want to talk to you about something,” and my heart immediately starts pounding, because, like, he never wants to talk about anything. So I’m like, “what’s up?” You know, trying to sound casual, and he says, “I think we should do an open relationship.” And so I’m, like, “Where is this coming from?” And he’s like, “I don’t think long distance is working.” And so, by this point, I’m starting to get mad, because it’s not my fault long distance isn’t working, it’s his for not making an effort. So I blurt out, “if you’re going to be weird like this, what’s the point of even dating, why not just break up?” and he says “fine” and hangs up. And I’m, like, “Did what I think just happened actually just happen?” So I call him and text him and leave a voicemail and a hologram and I even send him a telepathic message, even though they’re expensive, and my plan doesn’t cover them if I’m roaming, but Derek never responds. And finally I realize, “oh my God, it’s over. Derek Kleinbaum and I are no longer a couple.”
So for the next four days, I don’t leave my pod, not even to go to class, and eventually Narvia knocks on my door and I’m, like, great, just what I need right now. So I let her in and I expect her to lecture me about schoolwork or whatever but instead she says, “Please pack your bags. The rocket leaves in one hour.” And I’m, like, “what?” And she’s like, “Have you been watching the news?” And I’m, like, “No, Derek broke up with me.” And so she explains that the Gorgons won the war by rounding up all the Narvians and destroying them with a heat blast. And I’m confused, because she’s a Narvian, but she’s still alive, and she explains that she survived, because the lasers couldn’t permeate the school, but all of her friends and family died, or whatever. And I’m, like, “Oh my God,” because that’s freaking horrible. And I start to feel really bad, because all this time I thought we had nothing in common, but now that she’s lost her tribe, and I’ve lost Derek, and both of our worlds have come crashing down, I realize we’re, like, the same person.
So I’m, like, “I think it’s time for some XanXan,” and she waves her antenna like she doesn’t want any, but I just ignore her and pour out two huge shots. And we start downing shots, like, one after the other, and I’m, like, “I know what will get our minds off things, let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever!’” She doesn’t know how to play, so I explain the rules and say, “you go first.” And she’s, like, “Never have I ever seen so great a genocide as the one the Gorgons inflicted on my people.” And I want to be, like, no, you’re supposed to say fun stuff, but I don’t want to make her feel bad, so I just nod and take a sip.
We finish the bottle and I get on the rocket, and that’s where I am now, just riding back home through space. And the pilot just said, “If you go to the observation deck, you can see a view of earth.” And I didn’t look the last time, but this time I kind of want to look, because who knows when I’ll get another chance? So I guess this is the end of my diary, because phones don’t work up there and I want to go up there. So I guess I’m just going to turn this thing off and go up there. Okay. This is it. I’m turning this off. I’m doing it. I’m going up there.
Illustration by Nathaniel Soria
This article was originally published May 2013