The Best Deal in Town

 

This article was originally published August 2013

How to Beat Up Your Dad: A Tutorial

 

So you’ve decided to beat up your dad. Good, he deserves it. You are a grown man, why should he be telling you how to live your life? He shouldn’t, and the best way to let your father know this is by kicking the living shit out of him. Let’s begin.

 

ProTip: If your dad simply isn’t the “fighting type”, that makes it all the more easy to beat him up.  

 
 
 

Best Songs To Listen To While Beating Up Your Dad:

  •  “Cat’s in the Cradle” by Harry Chapin
  • “Father and Son” by Cat Stevens
  • “Du Hast” by Rammstein
  • That Filter song that goes “Heyyyy, Daaaaadd, what do you think about your son nooowwwww?!”
  • “My Father’s Eyes” by Eric Clapton

Reasons To Beat Up Your Dad:

  • Because he’s not the boss of you
  • To prove you are better than he is
  • General anger (at him or this cold world he helped bring you into)
  • Because you can
  • Shut up, I don’t have to tell you shit

Things To Say While Beating Up Your Dad:

  • “No, YOU get YOUR hair cut!”
  • “I am Captain Phillips! I run the ship!”
 
 

Originally published November 2013

MORPHS: Here's What These Super Hero Stars Looked Like When They Were Younger

 

The appearances of the actors portraying iconic superheroes are locked into our minds, as they, themselves, became synonymous with the character. But what did they look like when they were just fresh faces, before they even had donned a cape?

 

Slide the pegs below to watch the heroic become younger.

 
 

Christian Bale

 

Robert Downey Junior

 

Hugh Jackman

 

Halle Berry

 

Chris Hemsworth

 

Mark Ruffalo

 

Chris Evans

 

Scarlett Johansson

 

Toby Maguire

 

Christopher Reeve

 

See More Morphs:

An Excerpt From The Script "A Living Inspiration," By Michael Jordan

 

The Occasional is pleased to present an excerpt from the draft of a screenplay about Hall of Fame basketball legend Michael Jordan, written by Michael Jordan himself! Entitled A Living Inspiration, the discovered pages appear to be from his personal copy, as it contains editing notes written in his handwriting. Enjoy!

Click or drag page edges below to read the script

 














Explore The Depths of The Ocean

 
 

From playful dolphins to the monstrous, glowing angler fish of the deep, the ocean is a place full of miraculous life and wonder. Scroll down to explore the many diverse layers of undersea life, and when prompted, don't forget to click the 'Enhance with Real Ocean Sounds' button to experience the mysterious sounds of the deep.

 
 

Animated & Illustrated by Natasha Fedorova

Raver: Matt Hunziker

 

From Chunky To Hunky: Here's What 10 Celebrity Studs Looked Like As Chubby Children

 

Many of Hollywood's brightest have whittled down their weight to begin healthy new lives. But what did they look like before?

Slide the pegs to see how far they've come.  

 
 
 

Ryan Seacrest

 
 

Jennifer Hudson

 
 

Russell Brand

 
 

Jerry O’Connell

 
 

Jonah Hill

 
 

Forrest Whitaker

 
 

J-Woww

 
 

Josh Peck

 
 

Kesha

 
 

Ricky Gervais

 

SEE MORE MORPHS:

‘Who’s Hollering For Harry?’: An Audio Children’s Book With Marc Maron

Click or drag the pages below to read the book.

Press animal buttons below when prompted.

 

Narrated by Marc Maron

Illustrated by Brad Jonas

 

Originally Published March 2012

Best App of the Month: Uber For Dogs

 

Every month, The Occasional saves you the trouble of sifting through the app store and recommends the one you must download.

 
 
 
 

About The App: Uber Dog

An entirely new way to travel, Uber Dog finds nearby dogs to give you a ride to your destination. It’s available in most major cities and has three levels, depending on how premium of a service you’re willing to pony up for: Bad Dog X, Good Boy, and Big Dog. We recommend shelling out for the Big Dog, who’s guaranteed to be a sizable pup who’ll carry you in its mouth. 

New functionality lets you easily set pick-up location by informing you what type of bacon to leave out on your front step. 

 
 

INTERACTIVITY ALERT! CLICK BELOW TO USE THE APP.

Select your level of dog and request a pick up. If you’re not satisfied with your driver, hit the “No!” button to return to the main menu. 

 
 

Reviews From The App Store:

JohnnyBakes ★★★☆☆

Cool app, wish it were better

This seemed like a great idea in theory. And I thought I’d be a big fan, as I absolutely adore the film ‘Hotel For Dogs.’ But it’s almost like they didn’t do ANY product testing. The first dog I ordered just ran into my house and hid under my bed for 3 hours. The second dog I ordered showed up on time, but didn’t know where he was going and despite me showing him repeatedly on my phone’s Google Maps, he brought me to his owner’s house, which was like 5 miles away. That said, I got to ride a doggy.


HeyKatieHeyyy ★☆☆☆☆

Bad app!

My dog stopped to take a shit every 5 minutes. WTF??? How u gonna give me a diarrhea dog?


JKSweets ★★☆☆☆

WATCH OUT 4 PRICE SURGING!!!!!

I love this app so much because I love dogs but don’t want the responsibility of owning one. Too needy and are always wanting stuff. At first all the dogs that picked me up were cool and let me ride them. Then they stopped being cool. On New Year’s Eve, no dogs wanted to pick me up and when one finally did, IT RAISED THE PRICES SO MUCH!!!! I had to pay 3x as much to ride a dog to my party.    


ComeOnRideTheChrisBruss ★★★★★

Bout time!

Much better and cheaper alternative to the over-priced Uber Horse


PoppaBear23 ★★★★☆

Not what I expected

My dog actually showed up driving a car and said “Get in. There’s no time to explain.” I didn’t ask any questions and he didn’t explain, which was fair given the disclaimer. But I got to where I needed and there were even a few bottles of water and a pack of Mentos in the back. Can’t complain. 

 
 

MORE BEST APPS of the Month:

MORPHS: Here’s What The Wealthiest People In The World Looked Like When They Were Young

 

The appearances of the world's richest people are locked into our minds, as they, themselves, became synonymous with wealth. But what did they look like when they were just fresh faces, before they even had bank accounts?

Slide the pegs below to watch the wealthy become younger.

 
 
 

Warren Buffett

Net Worth: ~47 Billion

 
 

Beyonce

Net Worth: ~850 Million

 
 

Bill Gates

Net Worth: ~76 Billion Dollars

 
 

Donald Trump

Net Worth: ~2.9 Billion

 
 

Richard Branson

Net Worth: ~4.6 Billion

 
 

Tiger Woods

Net Worth: ~500 Million

 
 

George Lucas

Net Worth: ~7.3 Billion 

 
 

Michael Bloomberg

Net Worth: ~33 Billion

 
 

Oprah

Net Worth: ~2.9 Billion

 
 

Mark Zuckerberg

Net Worth: ~29.7 Billion

 
 

SEE MORE MORPHS: